


CollectiveStuck

by LawrenceFriday



Series: CollectiveStuck [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Session, F/M, Gen, Humanstuck, Original Character(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-22
Updated: 2015-04-13
Packaged: 2018-03-19 02:18:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 71
Words: 50,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3592641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LawrenceFriday/pseuds/LawrenceFriday
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Homestuck fansession. Almost entirely original characters. Character images available at tiny.cc/collectivechars</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

A boy stands in his bedroom. It is not his birthday, or even any holiday at all. It's just another day. 

Your name is STEVE GARRISON.  
  
Your room is a mess - just the way you like it. Thanks to your IMPRESSIVE MEMORY, you can find anything; it's always exactly where you left it. Much of the floor is covered in STUDDED BUILDING BRICKS, which you use as a creative outlet. Also scattered across the blue carpet is a vast collection of VIDEO GAMES. You dream one day of creating your own, and your studded bricks are arranged in complete levels and arenas.

On the far wall is a bookcase, filled to the brim with FANTASTICAL BOOKS OF AN AMUSING NATURE. You enjoy reading, a trait you picked up from your COOL MOM.  
  
You brush your long, shaggy brown hair out of your face. This time of year, you wear short-sleeved shirts and jeans. Summer isn’t long over, so the temperature is comfortable. The first leaves of autumn are starting to change; in a few weeks, they’ll cover the ground entirely. On this part of the east coast, the seasons are strictly defined - summer is scorching and humid, winter is frozen, fall is colorful and brisk, and spring is three months of congested sinuses and bugs.  
  
It's a Tuesday - your least favorite day of the week. Mondays can be slogged through in a sleepy stupor, but Tuesdays bring the real bulk of the week's problems. Thankfully, school is out for the day. You have the entire afternoon to yourself. Your homework was finished over the lunch break. The school you attend breaks its schedule into odd days and even days. On odd days, like today, you don't know anyone who eats lunch when your class does, so you finish your work instead of socializing. You don't mind; it means more gaming time at home.  
  
And it couldn’t be a better day for it. All day the beta for the coolest new game has been downloading. Your laptop sits on the desk in the corner of your room. While last year you could bring it to school for “note-taking”, this year the administration declared all portable computing devices contraband, a policy that is COMPLETE BULLSHIT. Now you actually have to pay attention in class.  
  
You carefully tiptoe through one of the few safe paths through your room and drop into the chair at your desk. A stack of books sits on the corner of the desk. Each one sports a receipt or coupon as a bookmark. You read all of them at the same time. Part of you thinks you might have an attention disorder. The rest thinks you’re a hypochondriac.  
  
In the center of the desk is the laptop. The wallpaper is a fan-drawn piece about your favorite game. A charismatic air pirate and his friends pose on the deck of their sleek steel ship. You admire and envy the awesome pirate. He gets an airship, a crew of enthusiastic swashbucklers, and two fine lady friends who are happy to share him. If only you could have that kind of luck.  
  
A chirp sounds from the speakers. Someone on BadgerBud has sent you a message. The game download still has half an hour to go, so you might as well kill some time chatting with your friends.  
  
Your BadgerBud brobriquiet is siliconSwashbuckler, and you type using proper grammar. You never swear, even though you often want to.

\-- bebopBelter [BB] began badgering siliconSwashbuckler [SS] –-  
  
BB: bojangles  
SS: Dude, what is your weird obsession with that restaurant?  
BB: its fun to say  
BB: you busy?  
SS: Just waiting for this download to finish.  
BB: oh thats today?  
BB: shit i forgot  
SS: …  
SS: You’re kidding.  
BB: sorry man  
BB: workin on a new amv this morn  
BB: just slipped my mind  
BB: you should watch this one. we are totally the main duo  
BB: theres this guy who can break down matter and cover his arm for incredibly strong punches  
SS: AAAAAAUGH  
SS: We’re supposed to be each other’s servers.  
BB: sorry man  
BB: im starting the dl now  
BB: says itll finish by tomorrow  
SS: No!  
SS: I got my crappy lit homework done so I could play today!  
SS: Plus, tomorrow AA will already have played, and he’ll rub it in my face.  
BB: so?  
BB: fuck him. hes an ass anyway  
BB: why do you even care what he says?  
SS: I don’t!  
BB: hey, maybe you can play with him  
SS: No way.  
SS: We’re playing together, remember?  
SS: I’m not starting without you.  
BB: go ahead  
BB: i wanna finish this video anyway  
BB: and see if i can find new episodes  
SS: Really? I’d rather have you as my server.  
BB: dude you get served by me every day  
SS: Ha. Ha.  
BB: go ahead  
BB: when im ready well just start over  
SS: Yeah, I guess.  
SS: I’ll just do like the first level.  
BB: cool  
  
\-- bebopBelter [BB] ceased badgering siliconSwashbuckler [SS] –-

  
You lean back in your chair and run a hand through your hair. This complicates things. If you could play with your best friend, everything would be perfect.  
  
Instead, you’re going to have to contact… him.

\-- siliconSwashbuckler [SS] began badgering audaciousArchitect [AA] –-  
  
SS: Hey.  
AA: Steve. What’s up?  
SS: Have you installed the beta yet?  
AA: Of course. I’m about to start.  
SS: With who?  
AA: EE.  
SS: Just the two of you?  
AA: Yes.  
AA: Just her and me.  
SS: Uh.  
SS: Can I  
SS: join you?  
AA: Ha. No.  
AA: She’s already connected to me.  
AA: And I’m about to connect to her.  
AA: And yes, I mean it that way.  
SS: …Right.  
SS: Look, I don’t have a server player now.  
SS: Will you connect to me too?  
SS: I want to at least play some today.  
AA: I can’t.  
AA: Only one server and one client per player.  
AA: And as I said, she’s already my server.  
SS: Uuuuugh.  
SS: Fine. What would it take to get you to be my server?  
AA: Hmmm.  
AA: It looks like I hold all the cards.  
AA: Alright, Steve. I’ll connect to you.  
AA: But.  
AA: You can’t be her server.  
SS: Fine. I was going to be BB’s server anyway.  
AA: And.  
AA: You will owe me a favor to be decided later. Any boon I decide.  
SS: Whatever.  
AA: Perfect. Send me a message when you’re ready.  
  
\-- audaciousArchitect [AA] ceased badgering siliconSwashbuckler [SS] –-

  
Man, you hate that guy. He’s so cocky. And smarmy. And arrogant. And confident. And lucky with the ladies. And good looking. And sure enough in his own self worth that he can get any girl he wants.

What a jerk.

There’s still ten minutes until the game finishes downloading. More than enough time for you to look around your room at the signifiers of your interests.

One of the walls of your room is covered in promotional posters for POPULAR VIDEO GAMES. You’re close friends with the assistant manager of a local game store, so you get the swag for upcoming games for free. The shop doesn’t get enough business to give away the freebies, so you get the leftovers. The wall next to your bed is plastered in advertisements for games that were released long ago.

You prefer long, involved games with elaborate stories about heroes saving the day and getting the girl (or girls). You and your best friend take turns playing through them, living vicariously through the exploits of time travellers, ancient kings, and starship captains.

On the far wall hangs a single poster for a popular EASTERN ANIMATION SERIES. Your best friend adores all media creations from the land of the rising sun, and he supplied you with the poster in question. Two space cowboys gaze at the viewer with disinterest - one slender, aloof, and dextrous, the other stocky, steadfast, and other words beginning with ‘S’.

They fit you and your friend perfectly. The pair of you have been friends since you met, and you insist on matching yourselves to fictional character duos as often as possible. Movies, television shows, games and animes - the two of you can find yourselves in any terrific twosome.

Your bookcase mirrors the rest of your room in representation both of your interests and of your refusal to organize anything. Books are stacked vertically, horizontally, diagonally, and in one instance balanced on a single corner. In additional to your fantasy satire collection, you own a number of instructional tomes on the programming of video games. They occupy the far corner of the shelf, collecting dust in their own PILE OF SHAME.  
  
On a lark, you pick one up, captchaloguing it to your Sylladex. Your preferred Fetch Modus is Recall. Each item is placed on a card and left face down in a grid. When you need to retrieve one, you simply draw it. The Recall Modus isn’t terribly popular; unlike the similar Memory Modus, it doesn’t involve matching pairs and thus more chances for success, and it can’t be weaponized. Thanks to your IMPRESSIVE MEMORY, however, it’s the most convenient.  
  
This particular volume details methods of drawing objects on a screen and moving them in pre-scripted patterns. It’s incredibly useful for making the example game from the included disc (long ago banished to the wasteland of installation CDs, old albums, and other future drink coasters), but not terribly useful for making something someone would actually want to play. All of the other inhabitants of the PILE OF SHAME share the same problem.  
  
At least this one has an interesting cover. A caricature of a swarthy action hero brandishes a gun that fires binary strings. His manly stubble and devil-may-care attitude imply that game development is a career for cool dudes, the kind who wear sunglasses indoors and have hobbies they don’t hide in chagrin.  
  
Oh. That chime means the beta is done installing.  
  
Sure enough, the air pirate wallpaper is now replaced by a spirograph and a box waiting for the server’s information.  
  
It’s time to contact the jerkwad.


	2. Chapter 2

A boy stands in his bedroom. Like all days, it’s a good day. Mondays may be bad for everyone else, but this guy doesn’t have bad days.  
  
Your name is GREG CARSTEN.  
  
You keep your room spotless. Everything is straightened and ordered. Being a SMOOTH OPERATOR means being in control at all times. Books stay on the shelves in alphabetical order (first by genre, then by author, then by title). Movies stand on the film rack, ordered by likelihood of subsequent views (watching a film moves it to the bottom of list, where it will wait until it becomes fresh again).  
  
Even the workbench is immaculate. As president of the robotics club, you have to keep a selection of MISCELLANEOUS MACHINERY on hand should you have an engineering epiphany. Your designs have led the club to victory in the last two regional Bot Battles. This year promises to be even better. Sitting atop your toolbox is the prototype for your magnum opus, SHIVA, DESTROYER OF WORLDS. She sports four pneumatic arms capable of lifting blocks (or flipping rival robots), two parallel treads capable of rotating and pivoting, and a spring-loaded foot beneath her chassis to keep her balance. A stroke of genius shaved a few pounds off last year’s model, letting her slip into the next weight class. All she needs is her face.  
  
But there’s plenty of time for that later. It’s almost time to head to the bus.  
  
Your Sylladex was loaded last night. SMOOTH OPERATORS are always prepared. They also use only the best Fetch Modus – the Linked List. Every element of a Linked List has knowledge of the element directly before and directly after it. This means that removing an object is instantaneous and simple; the object pops out, and its parent links back to its child. No fussy retrieval rules, no collision detection, no problems. It can’t be weaponized, but a SMOOTH OPERATOR fights with his Strife Specibus, not his Sylladex.  
  
As you start down to the stairs and out to the bus stop, you pull out your phone. You’ve installed the latest mobile version of BadgerBud. It’s the perfect way to remind your enthralled ladyfriends who rules the roost.  
  
Your BadgerBud brobriquiet is audaciousArchitect, and you type better than everyone else. Your grammar, spelling, and vocabulary are exquisite.

\-- audaciousArchitect [AA] began badgering equineEngineer [EE] –-  
  
AA: Morning.  
EE: hi greg!  
EE: ready for the history test?  
AA: Aren’t I always?  
AA: Say.  
AA: Can I ask you something?  
EE: cant you always?  
AA: There’s a game I’d like to play with you tomorrow.  
EE: a game?  
AA: Yes. An online game.  
EE: ugh you boys and your games  
EE: cant you play with steve?  
AA: I could. But I’d rather play with you.  
EE: i really think you should play with him  
EE: you and him need to get along better  
AA: His envy of me is hardly my problem.  
AA: I ask again. Will you join me?  
EE: maybe  
EE: ask me again after class  
AA: I’ll do that.  
  
\-- audaciousArchitect [AA] ceased badgering equineEngineer [EE] –-

  
SMOOTH OPERATING as per usual. She’ll join you. She always does.


	3. Chapter 3

  
\-- siliconSwashbuckler [SS] began badgering audaciousArchitect [AA] –-  
  
SS: Okay, I’m in.  
SS: Hey! Put my bed down!  
AA: No secret stash here. Smart, Steve.  
SS: Secret…?  
SS: Okay, first, screw you. I don’t keep a “secret stash”, and definitely not under my bed.  
SS: Second, even if I did, I wouldn’t leave it somewhere you could find it.  
SS: I’m not an idiot.  
AA: Whatever you say. Now move. I need to deploy the cruxtruder.  
SS: …Uh, what?  
AA: You started this up without even researching? Typical.  
AA: Just sit down somewhere and read the FAQ. I need to clean your room of these kid toys so I can get started.  
  
Jerk.  
  
Wad.  
  
He starts the game and immediately starts messing around in your personal business. It’s just like him to immediately jump to perverse conclusions. Why are you even friends anyway?  
  
You grumble as you open your laptop and skims the game’s site. Looks like the goal is to deploy three objects, and...

SS: What the heck is this?  
SS: The FAQ just stops after the list of the Phernalia Registry.  
SS: Was this written by a 12 year old?  
AA: No. Now move. I need that space.

The cursor has swept up most of your room. As always, looking at your room without a carpet of building blocks, discarded clothing, and game cases is unsettling. It’s too big and too empty. That may be why you leave it so cluttered.  
  
On the side opposite your bed is an indentation that leads to the attic. Normally it’s a gaping hole you fill with a laundry basket and a heap of clothing. Now, in its place sits a large square machine. The top narrows into a funnel, blocked at the top by a lid bearing the spirograph from the game’s loading screen. Each of the four sides of the machine houses a digital clock that appears to be powered off.

SS: Uh…  
SS: What’s this clock? The FAQ doesn’t say anything about this.  
AA: It doesn’t matter right now.  
AA: You need to open the Cruxtruder.  
AA: Immediately.  
SS: Why?  
AA: You haven’t looked outside recently, have you?  
SS: No. Why?  
AA: Go do it. I need time to clear that room down the hall.  
SS: Woah, no. My mom will kill me if you mess up the rest of the house.  
AA: That won’t be a problem. Go look outside.  
  
Jerk. You can already hear him rearranging the guest room. Your COOL MOM is going to blow a gasket when she gets home.  
  
A quick glance out your bedroom window doesn’t reveal anything but your front lawn. It’s probably in need of trimming – something you’ll be stuck with this weekend, no doubt. The houses on either side of yours are quiet as well, everyone still working their nine-to-fives. There’s nothing out of the ordinary that you can see.  
  
Grumbling, you cross your uncomfortably clean floor and exit your room.  
  
The top floor of your house has three rooms. It’s divided somewhat in half – the stairs down separate the master bedroom from the other two. One of these is yours; the other is a spare that houses the sofa-bed for guests. Before last Christmas, the guest bedroom was your lair, home to the best TV in the house and thus also home to your gaming devices. Now your bedroom has an extremely nice television set, so the guest room goes unused.  
  
As you reach the top of the stairs, you look over to the master bedroom where your COOL MOM sleeps. You’re no stranger to it; the medicine cabinet just inside holds the house’s supply of bandages, aspirin, and cough drops, and you’re free to take from it whenever you need. Still, you don’t go in unless you absolutely must. It makes you kind of uncomfortable.  
  
The stairs lead straight down to the front door. You pull it open and step outside. The early autumn air hits you, still rather warm from the last vestiges of summer. Were you younger, you’d probably be out riding your bike down and around the cul-de-sac.  
  
Actually, it’s warmer now than it was this morning. Warmer than it should be.  
  
Maybe the clouds have parted and dropped a sunbeam on your head.  
  
You look up, squinting past the afternoon sun.  
  
…What is that?

SS: CRAPCRAPCRAPCRAP  
SS: THERE’S A FRICKING METEOR GOING TO CRASH INTO MY HOUSE  
AA: Yes. Yes there is.  
AA: Which is why you need to move quickly.  
SS: I can’t outrun a meteor!  
AA: No, you can’t.  
AA: You need to do exactly as I say.  
SS: Screw that! I have to call my mom!  
AA: You have only minutes until it lands. You need to do something more productive than that.  
SS: What? How do you know that?  
SS: DID THIS GAME SEND A METEOR TO MY HOUSE  
AA: I don’t know. But it will let you escape if you exactly as I say.  
  
That… that… jerkwad! How can he be so calm when giant fiery doom hurtles toward you?  
  
Fighting a mix of panic and frustration, you rush back inside and upstairs.

SS: Okay, smartass, what do I do now?  
AA: You need to open the Cruxtruder. Hit the top hard enough, and it will pop open.  
SS: What good will that do?  
SS: Hello?  
SS: You’d better not be ignoring me.  
SS: I know you’re talking to her.  
SS: Stop flirting and help me!  
  
\-- audaciousArchitect [AA] ceased badgering siliconSwashbuckler [SS] –-  
  
Well crap. Looks like you’re on your own.  
  
Hopefully your Strife Specibus can do something. As always, it’s set to STAFFKIND. Years in the past (but not many), you studied martial arts at the local dojo. You don’t remember much of the actual fisticuffs, but you had a knack for smacking people with large sticks. Lucky for you, the BO STAFF you trained with is still in the closet.  
  
The door to your closet slides open easily. Half the hangers on the rack are empty, the shirts that should occupy them now piled on the floor near your window. A small shelf sits in the lower left corner, where your board games collect dust. You and your COOL MOM haven’t played one in a while; you’ve both been so busy. Hopefully you’ll both still be alive to play one again.  
  
There, tucked in the back, is your BO STAFF. It’s a little small, as it was chosen for a younger you. Still, it’s a weapon you know you can use.  
  
You step back out into your room and try a few practice swings. Much as you’re loathe to admit it, having a clean room makes staff practice a lot easier. You tried running through a few moves while dancing between open spaces in your clutter. The rest of the night consisted of pulling studded building bricks from your feet and moaning. Never again.  
  
Okay. Time to do this.  
  
With a proper warrior’s cry, you heft your mighty staff over your head and slam it down on the Cruxtruder’s lid.  
  
The staff bounces back and smacks you in the face.  
  
You feel like a COMPLETE IDIOT.


	4. Chapter 4

A girl stands in her room, getting herself ready for school.  
  
Your name is TIFFANY ORRIN.  
  
Today will be a good day. It’s an odd-number day, which means you have your favorite classes today. You start the day in band class, where you enjoy PLAYING THE FLUTE. After that is your favorite subject, CHEMISTRY. While you aren’t really a fan of history class, you do share it with a CUTE GUY you like. Finally, the day ends with trigonometry, where you sit next to your best friend in the world. You two are so alike, you usually dress the same without meaning to. She even has the same shade of blonde hair. She’s the person with whom you share all of your secrets and woes.  
  
Like the messy love triangle you’re stuck in. Both Steve and Greg are close friends, and you like them both a lot. So far, you’ve refused to do anything because you don’t want to hurt either of their feelings. You can already imagine the drama it would cause if you actually started dating one of them.  
  
Ugh, that’s not a good subject to think about this early in the morning. You turn your attention elsewhere.  
  
Your room is covered in ribbons, won in the EQUESTRIAN TOURNAMENTS in which you compete. Horses are one of your two great passions, alongside the interactions of atoms and molecules. When it comes to riding hoofed beasts, you are simply the best there is. Most of the ribbons you’ve won are in show jumping; you must guide your steed through an obstacle course, leaping poles and fences. Points are lost for knocking over obstacles or straying too far from the par time. Completing the course too quickly is penalized just as is completing it too late. Your strict study of your courses and reliable INTERNAL CLOCK mean that you rarely miss the par by more than three seconds.  
  
To commemorate your latest victory, your mother commissioned a small statue of your prize mare MARIE. She’s a beautiful Irish Draught, standing at just over 16 hands. You’ve ridden her since you turned thirteen, and you have a bond that rivals that of your best friend.  
  
Speaking of which, it looks like she’s trying to get your attention.  
  
Your BadgerBud brobriquiet is equineEngineer, and you’re way too energetic to use proper capitalization.

\-- phaithfulPhysician [PP] began badgering equineEngineer [EE] –-  
  
PP: Good morning, Tiffany.  
EE: morning! :)  
PP: How are you? Are you ready for the trig quiz today?  
EE: ugh dont remind me  
EE: theres a history test today too  
PP: Do you want to study during lunch?  
EE: maybe  
EE: greg wants me to play this game with him  
EE: i told him id decide after the test  
EE: hell probably want to talk about it then  
PP: I see.  
PP: Are you going to?  
EE: i might  
EE: it would be nice to talk him alone  
PP: I was under the impression you and he talked alone often.  
PP: Or was there no talking happening then?  
EE: :O !!!  
EE: we talk  
EE: okay? >:O  
EE: i mean yeah hes super cute  
PP: He is.  
EE: but i dont know  
PP: My ride is here. We’ll talk about it later.  
  
\-- phaithfulPhysician [PP] ceased badgering equineEngineer [EE] –-

  
Your other friend must have arrived to pick her up. Being the oldest of all of you, she’s the only one who can drive.  
  
Really, she’s the one who can solve your problems. If you could only convince her to speak up…


	5. Chapter 5

You are totally going to break your neck.  
  
You’re perched on the edge of your bedframe. It’s the highest object in the room. If your hypothesis is correct, it will give you enough momentum to hit the Cruxtruder hard enough to open it.  
  
But probably you’ll just fall and break your neck.  
  
With a cry of both determination and sheer terror, you leap off the bedframe and swing your staff down hard.


	6. Chapter 6

A boy sits at a desk in his bedroom.  
  
Your name is JAMES STELIOS.  
  
You have arranged your room around your massive television set. Alongside your bed is a comfortable chair, both facing the TV from across the room. The desk you’re currently using rolls up to the chair so you can work in front of it. When you aren’t using it, the desk slides under your window.  
  
The television is your pride and joy. You saved all of the money from your summer job bagging groceries to be able to get such a fantastic set. It’s perfect for your interests. You love LONG-RUNNING JAPANESE ANIMATIONS, buying enormous boxed sets to watch on your beautiful television. The computer your father bought you uses the set as its monitor, and your primary form of entertainment and expression is creating MUSIC VIDEOS from footage of your favorite shows.  
  
Music is your passion. You’re a prominent member of the SCHOOL CHOIR, and you’ve even arranged the set for one of your show competitions. While your team didn’t win, you did get recognition for your upbeat, unexpected song selection. In order to record and mix songs, you own a STUDIO-QUALITY HEADSET. Both the microphone and earpieces were carefully selected to produce the finest sound possible.  
  
Right now, you’re splicing together a video from the latest series to earn your obsession. It’s so great that you ordered a new Strife Specibus. Instead of your old FISTKIND, you now use GLOVEKIND, just like your anime hero. You wear a fingerless glove on your right hand at all times. It earns you some odd looks at school, and your best friend Steve says you’re more likely to knock someone out with its smell than with a punch.  
  
In the background, you’re downloading the beta for a game Steve wants to play. You were going to play it now, but you completely forgot to start the download before heading to school. This isn’t the first time you’ve inconvenienced him; you have a tendency to act without thinking that gets the two of you into trouble. Thankfully, your best friend is always there to bail you out.  
  
He’s probably playing it now. Maybe you’ll see how it’s going.  
  
Your BadgerBud brobriquiet is bebopBelter, and you don’t really care about things like grammar.

\-- bebopBelter [BB] began badgering siliconSwashbuckler [SS] –-  
  
BB: hey  
BB: hows the game  
SS: …  
SS: You know how I don’t curse?  
BB: yeah  
BB: kinda weird man  
BB: like you have anger issues or something  
BB: and i know about those  
SS: Go outside and look the fuck up.  
BB: uh  
BB: ok  
  
You stick your cell phone in your Sylladex and head down the stairs. Much to the annoyance of your friends, you use the Pun Fetch Modus. In order to retrieve anything, you have to make a terrible play on words related to the object you want. The worse the joke, the greater the velocity at which the object is expelled. You’ve become so practiced at groan-inducing jibes that you once scythed down a tree using a single tennis ball. (“It’s not that I can’t juggle. I just don’t have the balls.”)  
  
You step out onto your street. Most of your neighbors are retired, so your block is always silent. The houses are well-maintained, all a uniform shade of gray. Each lawn is kept pristine and precisely level. One of your neighbors on the community associate board is anal about appearances. You’ve got an assload of puns in your pocket waiting for an opportunity for that.  
  
You glance up.  
  
Slack-jawed, you mumbled something about mitochondria, and your cell phone drops into your hand.

BB: shitshitshitshitshitshitshit  
SS: Yeah. There was one headed for my house too.  
BB: what the fuck do i do  
SS: We have to get you into the game.  
BB: hows a fucking game to stop a meteor  
SS: It takes too long to explain. Just trust me.  
BB: ok  
BB: youd better not be fucking with me  
SS: At a time like this?  
SS: Dude, I’ll screw around with you when our lives aren’t at stake.  
SS: Did you finish the download?  
BB: no  
BB: my shitty internet is too slow  
BB: and they call it sprint  
SS: We’ll figure something out. Just hang on.


	7. Chapter 7

Groaning, you stand up.  
  
The lid of the Cruxtruder lays discarded next to you.  
  
On the sides of the device, the digital clock has started. You have six minutes.  
  
None of that catches your eye at the moment, though.  
  
There’s a floating, glowing, flashing orb hovering in front of your face.  
  
What is this thing?  
  
You glance at your Bud Ballot. Greg is still busy. You’ll have to figure this out on your own.  
  
It sure is blinking insistently at you. Is it supposed to do that?  
  
You swat at it with your staff, and it zips out of the way. Whatever it is, it doesn’t want to touch your weapon.  
  
The funnel of the Cruxtruder is now open, and there’s something inside. It’s a long maroon cylinder of… something. You’re pretty sure you’ve never seen that material before. It’s shiny, but you can’t tell if it’s a metal, highly polished stone, or something else altogether. Whatever it is, you grab it, slotting it into a spare space in your Sylladex. The memory of its location becomes fixed in your mind so you can retrieve it later.  
  
You don’t know what else to do right now. And that flashing is really starting to get on your nerves. Maybe it wants the cylinder?  
  
You try to give the strange object to the floating orb, but it keeps hovering out of reach. Now you’re really annoyed. Greg won’t answer, the clock shows four minutes, and this stupid thing just keeps flickering. If it keeps up like that, you might have a seizure. Are you susceptible to seizures, or is that just your hypochondria again?  
  
Frustrated, you look around for something to throw at it. Greg swept everything away, so there’s nothing at hand.  
  
Inspiration strikes you. A quick reach into your Sylladex retrieves the programming book you captchalogued earlier.  
  
Take that!  
  
The orb glows bright red as the book hits it.


	8. Chapter 8

A girl stands in her room at the crack of dawn.  
  
Your name is STEPHANIE NESTORE.  
  
The light in your room is dim thanks to the large blinds covering your window. Over your desk is a floor lamp to aid you in your work. You are a PROLIFIC ARTIST, talented with pencil, pen, and watercolor. Being a fan of MONOCHROMATIC MANGA, you tend to mimic their style. Some of your better drawings are pinned to your walls. The subjects range from characters you’ve read to the strange dreams you have.  
  
One corner is devoted to depictions of your friends. You’ve drawn them in their elements – Greg tinkering with his robots, Tiffany on her horse. By far the most common and detailed subject is Steve, on whom you have an ENORMOUS CRUSH. From the day you met, he’s been smart, funny, and better looking than he gives himself credit for. You watch him work himself up over Tiffany and Greg and you get depressed. If you had more courage, you’d tell him your feelings.  
  
Alas, you are a TOTAL COWARD.  
  
You’ve tried to drop hints through your sketches. Sometimes you draw the two of you together. He always says those pictures capture the real you, one who smiles.  
  
As the eldest of your friends, you’re the only one with a driver’s license. You drive the car that used to belong to your older sister. Oftentimes you look at her with pride and envy. She’s so smart and confident, and she definitely got the looks. You keep your hair cut extremely short; you claim it’s because it’s easier to deal with, but really it’s because your hair isn’t nearly as pretty as hers is.  
  
Your house is at the very boundaries of your school district. The bus doesn’t come out all the way; in order to catch it, you have to walk a quarter mile to the nearest stop. This year, since you can drive, you skip it all. Now you can arrive before the buses drop everyone off and claim a nice space in the cafeteria to wait for the starting bell. It gives you time and space to draw.  
  
One of your friends lives on the route you take to school. You’ve arranged to pick her up on your way.  
  
Your BadgerBud brobriquiet is intenseImpressionist, and you don’t bother to use proper punctuation.

\-- intenseImpressionist [II] began badgering phaithfulPhysician [PP] –-  
  
II: morning  
PP: Good morning, Stephanie.  
PP: How are you today?  
II: okay I guess  
PP: That’s good to hear.  
PP: Did you have trouble with the Lit homework? I have to admit, even I couldn’t stomach that book.  
II: yeah it was dull  
II: I finished the response paper tho  
PP: Would you mind if I took a look at it before class starts?  
PP: I’m curious what your opinions were.  
II: sure  
II: Ill give it to you in the car  
PP: Thank you. I’ll see you in a little while, then.  
II: see you  
  
\-- intenseImpressionist [II] ceased badgering phaithfulPhysician [PP] \--  
  
You can see right through her. She’s always trying to get you to open up. It’s not that you don’t want to; you’re just not comfortable being vulnerable like that. Still, there really isn’t anyone else you would be trust. She’s the nicest, most honest person you know.  
  
Before you lock your computer, you glance at the progress bar. The game that Steve and Greg were going on about should be installed by the time you get home. Maybe he’ll play with you.


	9. Chapter 9

The floating maroon hero stares you down. His cool eyes lock with yours. He points a strong finger at you.

ACTIONSPRITE: ARE YOU A BAD ENOUGH DUDE TO RESCUE THE UNIVERSE?

...

What.


	10. Chapter 10

A girl lays on her bed.

Your name is ELIZABETH MAREK.

It’s a quiet Sunday night. You’re relaxing after a long and hectic day. This week you and your grandmother served as ushers and attendants for Sunday Mass. She raised you as a DEVOUT CATHOLIC, and your faith has been important to you all your life. You’re always willing to step up and assist your church in the weekly service, and being chosen this week was a great honor.

Now, you’re enjoying one of your favorite books. You have a taste for HISTORICAL DRAMAS, particularly of the vaguely romantic variety. Southern belles and their beaus, Victorian ladies and their gentlemen callers, New England loyalists and their secret patriot mistresses. These stories feed your active imagination, and you often wish you lived in one of these storied and passionate times.

When you’re full of emotion and zeal, you dabble in writing your own tales of amorous intrigue. The hard drive of your laptop is full of the escapades of Lady Sarah Trumpington, who has the magical ability to travel through time. She doesn’t have any control over her power, causing her to find and lose love over and over. Even though she always finds a handsome and courteous man whenever she goes, she always dreams of returning to her one true love Sir Lawrence Boddenham in her home time. Though she is ever tempted, she will always remain chaste and true to her soulmate.

Your studies of the heart have made you the emotional rock of your circle of friends. You often MEDDLE IN THEIR AFFAIRS, always for their own good. They depend on you to help them unravel their feelings.

Take your best friend, for example. She’s caught the eye of two young cavaliers, and she toys between them. It causes them no end of fuss, and you always try to mediate between the three. All of them are your closest friends, and you only want the best for all of them.

And there she is now.

Your BadgerBud brobriquiet is phaithfulPhysician, and you treat everyone with respect and kindness.

\-- equineEngineer [EE] began badgering phaithfulPhysician [PP] -–

EE: liz are you there  
EE: ?  
PP: Yes, I am.  
EE: can i bug you about something  
EE: ?  
PP: Always.  
EE: you know how the fall dance is coming next month  
PP: You’re worried about Steve and Greg.  
EE: i think steves going to ask me to go  
PP: Do you want to go with him?  
EE: not really  
EE: but i dont not want to either  
EE: hes really sweet but  
PP: His heart is in the right place, even if his mind isn’t.  
EE: yea  
EE: i dont want to hurt him  
PP: Well then. It looks like you have two options.  
PP: You do want to go with Greg, don’t you?  
EE: kind of  
EE: i mean  
EE: hes kind of a jerk sometimes  
EE: but hes also funny too  
EE: he can be really charming  
PP: He’s not going to ask you. It’s not what a “smooth operator” would do.  
EE: ugh  
EE: i wish he would stop saying that  
PP: To tell you the truth, I think he does it to irk Steve.  
PP: He does this sort of thing to try to get Steve to be more assertive.  
EE: yea i think so too  
EE: its kind of sweet  
PP: In a somewhat sociopathic way, I suppose.  
EE: so what are my two options  
PP: You can either charm Greg into dropping his facade and asking you first.  
PP: Or you can find Steve another date.  
EE: you mean stephanie  
PP: It was certainly one of the possible options, yes.  
EE: i wish she would come out and tell him  
EE: its so obvious to everybody else  
PP: Steve can be a bit blind sometimes.  
EE: can you do something about it  
EE: id talk to her but i dont think she likes me much  
PP: She does, I assure you. She just has trouble showing it.  
EE: i guess so  
PP: Yes, I’ll see what I can do to boost her confidence.  
PP: I would like to see the two of them together and happy.  
EE: me too  
EE: okay i g2g  
EE: see you later!  
PP: Have a good night, Tiff.  


\-- equineEngineer [EE] ceased badgering phaithfulPhysician [PP] -– 

You close your laptop and set it on your nightstand. Hung over it is the picture of Lady Trumpington Stephanie drew for you. It wasn’t quite how you imagined her, but you do appreciate the gesture. Even if it didn’t help Tiffany with her problems, you’d still be trying to help her work up the courage to confess to Steve. It’s your duty as a courtship connoisseur and a good friend. 

It’s getting late. Time for you to say your prayers and tuck yourself in. You’ll need a good night’s sleep if you’re going to play matchmaker tomorrow. 


	11. Chapter 11

You’re doomed.  
  
Completely, utterly, totally screwed beyond comprehension.  
  
The jerkwad threw the sofa-bed through the window.  
  
Your mom is going to go ballistic.  
  
In its place is what you recognize from the FAQ as the Totem Lathe. It’s tall and thin, sharp and angular. Knobs, dials, buttons, and wheels cover it. If you had more time, you’d probably start fiddling with it.  
  
ACTIONSPRITE: YOU DON’T HAVE TIME TO PLAY WITH YOURSELF  
  
Ugh. That thing won’t shut up. You’re beginning to really regret your choice of literature.  
  
The centerpiece of the Totem Lathe looks like just the right shape for that weird cylinder you pulled from the Cruxtruder. If your vast experience with games has taught you anything, it’s that the only way to proceed is to use items with other items until something good happens. You withdraw the cylinder (you need a better name for it. Cruxore? Good enough.) and slot it into the Lathe.  
  
Now what?  
  
None of the buttons looks particularly more important than the others. You don’t have time to experiment. Maybe if you run back, you can pick up your laptop and check the FAQ again.  
  
ACTIONSPRITE: IT’S DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE  
ACTIONSPRITE: TAKE THIS  
  
Okay, you are officially fed up with that thing. You’re going to-  
  
Wait, what is that?  
  
There’s a captchalogue card on the floor. It’s not one of yours; you made sure to clear this room out when you got your sweet TV. In fact, it looks like it’s trash. Someone poked a bunch of holes in it. Your mom would never let one of her cards get roughed up like this. Did the jerkwad drop it here? Is it part of the game?  
  
ACTIONSPRITE: IT MIGHT BE HANDY IF YOU, THE MASTER OF UNLOCKING, TAKE IT  
  
It sounds like that thing wants you to use it. And sure enough, there’s a little slot in the Totem Lathe just the right size for the card.  
  
Well, nothing ventured, nothing gained. You slip the card into the Lathe. Almost immediately, the Cruxore starts spinning, and a set of needle-like pins descend upon it. Moments later, your perfect Cruxore cylinder is now a weird piece of art. You snatch it, tucking it under your arm.  
  
The temperature has skyrocketed in the last few minutes. You can’t have more than a minute or two left.  
  
Sprinting down the hall, you slide into your mom’s room. Her large bed has been shoved against the wall to make room for the last item of the Phernalia Registry – the Alchemiter. On one corner is a pedestal, perfectly sized for your new Cruxore creation. You slam it into place, panicking as the pivoting arm unfolds. Precious seconds slip away as the laser runs up and down the ridges of the ore, and finally the central platform zaps to life.  
  
A familiar object springs into existence on the podium, the same shade of maroon as the ore and your floating follower. Its spots are represented by round dimples to create a different hue.  
  
The last thing you see through the hazy heated air is your hand slamming into the glittering mushroom.  
  
Then everything goes black.


	12. Chapter 12

The CUTE GUY you like has convinced you to play a game with him. Ordinarily, this wouldn’t be your thing; you have more fun playing around with your miniature lab. Today, however, you had a difficult history test, and you promised to play if he’d give you the answer you couldn’t remember. Now, you’re finishing the installation while chatting with him.  
  
\-- equineEngineer [EE] began badgering audaciousArchitect [AA] –  
  
EE: okay  
EE: its almost done  
AA: Excellent. Did you read the guide?  
EE: bleh  
EE: i dont really want to  
AA: Of course you do. You enjoy reading.  
EE: not this stuff  
EE: its all weird game talk  
AA: How do you expect us to succeed if you don’t study up?  
EE: didnt you read this already?  
EE: you can just tell me what to do  
AA: Nonsense. We’re a team. A fine couple.  
  
It’s a good thing he can’t see you blushing right now.  
  
EE: okay okay  
EE: ill skim it  
EE: oh!  
EE: its done!  
EE: i can see you!  
  
On the screen of your thin laptop is the CUTE GUY, standing in the middle of his room. It doesn’t look quite like you expected; you’re not surprised to see the workbench and robot parts, but you expected the rest of the room to have more personality. He keeps his room tidier than you keep yours.  
  
EE: wow greg  
EE: wheres all your stuff?  
AA: Tucked away. We need plenty of room for this.  
AA: Go ahead and start deploying the Phernalia Registry.  
EE: hang on  
EE: i want to look at your room more  
AA: I’d be more than happy to show you my room intimately later.  
EE: :O !!!  
EE: jeez greg  
  
He can be so crude!  
  
It’s…  
  
Kind of hot, actually.  
  
EE: okay so I just put this stuff down somewhere?  
AA: Yes. You should have plenty of room.  
  
You pull the three objects from the toolbar and set them in a line. Greg was right; you did need a lot of room. Whatever these things are, they take up a lot of space.  
  
EE: what do all of these things do?  
AA: We’ll have to figure that out ourselves. The guides I’ve checked have been disappointingly lacking.  
EE: okay  
EE: oh wait  
EE: theres one more thing here  
EE: it looks like a captcha card  
  
You drop the card on the bench next to his robot. While you’re no expert, it looks like it’s almost finished. You’re looking forward to seeing in action and rooting for Greg at the finals.  
  
AA: This is odd.  
EE: what?  
AA: This card appears to have been punched with some sort of rectangular press.  
EE: thats weird  
EE: whats the point? it ruins your card  
AA: The spacing is exact. I’d wager it’s some sort of code, wouldn’t you?  
EE: youre the code guy  
EE: does it work with one of the machines?  
  
While he turns the card over in his hands, you bring up your web browser and get back to skimming the guide. Greg was right about this, too. It’s really sparse, barely detailing the devices at all.  
  
EE: okay i think i get this  
EE: the big square one is the cruxtruder  
EE: you have to open that first and get the cruxite out of it  
EE: then you use the totem lathe to carve it  
AA: And then the Alchemiter produces an object based on the carved dowel. Yes, I read the guide too.  
AA: I don’t have enough leverage to pry the lid off. It appears to be jammed.  
EE: maybe i can do something

Your attempts to open the Cruxtruder with the cursor fail spectacularly. It doesn’t respond to be tapping, and trying to pull on it just lifts the entire device. When you let go, it drops with such force that the whole house shakes.  
  
EE: eep!  
AA: Okay, no more playing around. Leave the experiments for your lab.  
AA: Well now.  
EE: huh?  
AA: Steve just sent me a message. It seems James is unreliable as ever.  
AA: I’ll handle him. You continue reading.  
  
Greg becomes engrossed in his phone. Hopefully he doesn’t upset Steve too much. You’d hate for this harmless game to get blown out of proportion.  
  
Unfortunately, these walkthroughs are still dense and unapproachable. Most of the jargon in them goes way over your head. There’s one that looks like it’s actually detailed, but whoever wrote it clearly loves to hear herself talk. It’s like a freaking novel. Maybe Liz would have the patience for that, but you sure don’t.  
  
EE: woah!  
EE: i figured out how to zoom  
  
You magnify far in, until you can count all the golden hairs on his head. Jeez, he has great hair. You spend a while just staring.  
  
Then you try zooming out. You can see his room, then his house, then his neighborhood. If you keep scrolling out, you could probably see your house. Wouldn’t it be weird to look over your own shoulder? Maybe you can try that. The camera controls seem to be simple enough. You can move it around, and even pivot to look down or up.  
  
Wait. There’s something up there.  
  
EE: !!!!  
EE: GREG!  
  
He’s not paying any attention to his phone at all now. Something else has him enthralled.  
  
The Cruxtruder is open. Judging by the saber in his hand, Greg managed to pry it open himself. Floating before him is a glowing version of the robot that used to sit on his bench. They seem to be talking.  
  
SHIVASPRITE: user.danger > 0.99 = true;  
SHIVASPRITE: user.obtain(Cruxite);  
SHIVASPRITE: define artifact = lathe.carve(Cruxite);  
SHIVASPRITE: user.obtain(artifact);  
SHIVASPRITE: if(user.alchemitize(artifact)) then Reckoning.target = null  
  
He’s nodding. Did he understand that babbling?  
  
EE: greg!  
EE: damn it look at your phone!  
AA: Yes?  
EE: you have to get out of there!  
EE: theres a giant meteor headed for you!  
AA: I know.  
AA: Did you install the client as well as the server?  
EE: who cares?!  
EE: stop standing there and run!  
AA: No. We have to finish the game.  
EE: no!  
EE: this is stupid!  
EE: im not going to let you stand around and get killed!  
AA: I won’t be.  
AA: That’s the point of all this.  
EE: what?  
AA: According to Shiva, using all of the devices of the Phernalia Registry will send me to safety.  
AA: I have to wonder if that’s the intent of the game.  
EE: youre talking crazy!  
EE: greg ill drag you of this if i have to  
  
You swing the cursor around to try to grab him, but he easily bats it away with his sword. He won’t answer you anymore; he’s busy fiddling with the devices you deployed.  
  
Desperate, you zoom out. The meteor is descending quickly. You think fast. If you can’t move Greg out of danger…  
  
You reach the cursor up to grab the meteor.  
  
You leap backwards and scream as your laptop screen bursts into flame.


	13. Chapter 13

\-- intenseImpressionist [II] began badgering bebopBelter [BB] -–  
  
II: hey  
BB: yo  
BB: steve says your going to be my server  
II: yeah  
BB: i hope you went to school on butler island cause shits going to be hard  
BB: i cant download any faster  
II: I zipped it  
II: Ill send you a link  
BB: does that work  
BB: it wont make my game work weird will it  
II: dunno  
II: but its better than being crushed by a meteor  
BB: your right  
BB: like a republican congress  
II: ...  
BB: sorry  
II: badger me when its done  
II: I have to deal with imps  
BB: what  
  
\-- intenseImpressionist [II] ceased badgering bebopBelter [BB] \--


	14. Chapter 14

With a sigh, you push your laptop away from you. Another tale of Lady Trumpington joins its brethren in your writing folder. Your spark of inspiration has burned out, and now you need something else to do.  
  
Tiffany appears to be away on BadgerBud; it looks like her game with Greg didn’t last long. That’s a shame. It would have been the perfect moment to coerce him into asking her out. Once again, your matchmaking skills will be needed.  
  
Most of your friends are set as busy. That’s a little unusual for a school night. Normally they’d be chatting as they completed their homework or sought a brief respite from studying. It’s actually kind of lonely.  
  
Only one appears to be active.  
  
\-- phaithfulPhysician [PP] began badgering siliconSwashbuckler [SS] -–  
  
PP: Hello, Steve. How are you this evening?  
SS: Liz!  
SS: Man am I glad I got ahold of you.  
SS: We have to get you into the game.  
PP: Pardon?  
SS: James can get you, and then you can get Tiffany. That closes the loop.  
PP: I think you lost me.  
PP: Are you asking me to join you in this game that has captivated you and Greg?  
PP: I’m sorry, but I have to decline.  
PP: I hope you enjoy it, though.  
SS: No! Wait!  
SS: You have to enter or you’ll die!  
PP: Steve, have you been taking joke tips from James?  
PP: This is beneath even him.  
SS: I don’t have time to explain, but this isn’t a joke.  
SS: You’re going to be crushed by a meteor if we don’t get you in here as soon as possible.  
PP: ...  
PP: That is preposterous.  
PP: I’m going to let you get back to your game.  
SS: Wait!

\-- phaithfulPhysician [PP] ceased badgering siliconSwashbuckler [SS] -–

Honestly.  
  
You never did understand what Steve saw in him anyway. It’s hard to be a good person and see the best in everyone when it includes someone whose idea of amusement is bad wordplay and tasteless comments. You’re still friends, of course, but really only by association.  
  
Oh look. He just came online. You should tell him not to corrupt Steve like that. Especially when you’re trying to set him up with Stephanie.  
  
\-- phaithfulPhysician [PP] began badgering bebopBelter [BB] –-  
  
PP: James, I need to have a word with you.  
BB: oh good  
BB: after that your getting served  
PP: Ugh.  
PP: Listen, I know you love these cornball jokes and immature pranks. But please leave Steve out of them.  
PP: He’s already tried to snare me. If he tries something foolish like that and ends up ruining his friendship with Tiffany or Stephanie, I will hold you accountable.  
BB: no really  
BB: im gonna be your server  
BB: save you from the giant meteor about to crush your house  
BB: and fuck you my jokes are great  
PP: That’s it. I’m done.  
PP: This isn’t funny, and I won’t let you ruin my night.  
PP: When we get to school tomorrow, you are getting a piece of my mind whether you like it or not.  
  
\-- phaithfulPhysician [PP] blocked bebopBelter [BB] \--  
  
Rrrrrgh. Now you’re all in a tizzy. You should go for a walk to calm yourself down. Admiring the Lord’s beautiful work always eases your mind.  
  
You carefully cross the hall to the front door, avoiding the squeaky board near the closet. Your grandmother is likely asleep, and you certainly don’t want to endure another lecture for waking her.  
  
As you slip out, you notice the heat. Even though the sun dips below the horizon, it still feels like midday. This time of year always surprises you. It’s rather beautiful in its own way, always subverting your expectations. The unpredictable weather is something you love about this area.  
  
Another thing you love is the enormous oak tree in your front yard. On spring afternoons, you sit in its shade and work on your stories. Lady Trumpington definitely has a wonderful tree like this on her estate. She and her beau once thought about carving their initials into it, but they would never harm something so majestic.  
  
You daintily step from stone to stone along the path to your tree. Just being surrounded by nature like this is a spiritual experience. While some of your friends – particularly Greg – sneer at your dedication to your faith, you can’t help but be uplifted by the glory around you. Everywhere you look, all the eye can see is divine radiance and-  
  
…It can’t be.  
  
Your eyes are playing tricks on you. There can’t be something in the sky.  
  
He wouldn’t do that.  
  
It isn’t possible.


	15. Chapter 15

A rhythmic pounding echoes in your head. It’s like your brain is trying to beat its way out of your skull.  
  
Crash. Crash. Crash.  
  
Wait. That’s not just your headache.  
  
Using your staff to prop yourself up, you make your way over to one of the two windows of the master bedroom and peer out.  
  
You look across the LAND OF TIDES AND TRIALS.  
  
Your house sits on a small island. A solitary palm tree shares the sand, and it appears to bear a trio of coconuts. A number of other islands, also decked with tropical vegetation, break up the otherwise endless sea that stretches across the horizon. Steady waves break on the shore of your home island. Other than the plants, you seem to be the only living creature in this vast expanse.  
  
Trying to shake off the throbbing of your head, you stagger back into your bedroom. Everything is exactly as you left it; the Cruxtruder still blocks the door to the attic, but its digital countdown is now blank. You suppose you did manage to escape fiery doom.  
  
ACTIONSPRITE: !  
  
Ugh. What is that stupid thing chirping about now? And does it have to be so shrill?  
  
!  
  
You turn to face a swarthy SAND IMP. It sneers at you over its sunglasses, and its five o’clock shadow is clear even on its pitch black face. Its vest is tattered at the ends, clearly the victim of some cool battle. As it menaces at you, it cracks the knuckles on all four arms.  
  
STRIFE!  
  
You choose to ASSESS. With a careful eye, you examine its combat capabilities. It may look tough, but you can tell it’s entirely empty bravado. The imp puts up its dukes and waves them like an amateur.  
  
The imp AGGRIEVES! It swings a mighty left hook!  
  
You successfully AVERT the blow, deflecting it with the end of your staff. All those years of martial arts didn’t entirely go to waste! Master Robinson would be proud.  
  
Actually, she would probably smack you upside the head for your embarrassing stance. And for leaping off your bedframe. And for not attending lessons more often.  
  
In fact, she’d probably just smack you on principle.  
  
Now it’s your turn to AGGRIEVE. You pivot on the balls of your heels and let your momentum carry the staff across the imp’s face.  
  
KA-POW!  
  
The imp explodes in a shower of grist.  
  
Your victory sends you up a rung on your Echeladder, rising from KID KEELHAULER to SWABBY STRIPLING! Your maximum Gel Viscosity and Cache Limit are increased, and you find yourself the proud owner of a fine new feather in your cap. A shiny BOONDOLLAR drops into your Ceramic Porkhollow.  
  
The grist vanishes as you pick it up, storing itself in your grist cache. You aren’t quite sure how you know the current value of your grist cache, but you can tell it isn’t very much.  
  
ACTIONSPRITE: A WINNER IS YOU  
  
You wonder how much that stupid thing will drop. It shies away as you wave your staff at it.  
  
ACTIONSPRITE: FRIENDLY FIRE WILL NOT BE TOLERATED  
STEVE: Can you actually say anything original?  
ACTIONSPRITE: I CAN  
ACTIONSPRITE: I CHOOSE NOT TO  
ACTIONSPRITE: A MAN CHOOSES  
STEVE: Ugh, shut up.  
STEVE: What are you, anyway?  
ACTIONSPRITE: I AM YOUR SPRITE  
ACTIONSPRITE: I SERVE AS YOUR GUIDE THROUGH THE MEDIUM  
ACTIONSPRITE: YOU WILL EMBARK ON A QUEST ACROSS THE INCIPISPHERE  
ACTIONSPRITE: YOU WILL GATHER POWERFUL ALLIES  
ACTIONSPRITE: AND EARN DANGEROUS ENEMIES  
ACTIONSPRITE: YOU WILL EXPLORE STRANGE LANDS  
ACTIONSPRITE: AND TREACHEROUS DUNGEONS  
ACTIONSPRITE: IN THE END  
ACTIONSPRITE: YOU WILL ASCEND TO THE BATTLEFIELD AND FACE YOUR FINAL FOE  
ACTIONSPRITE: AND CLAIM THE ULTIMATE REWARD  
ACTIONSPRITE: WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO REPEAT THAT?  
-> YES  
   NO  
STEVE: Uh, no.  
  
You plop down into your chair and stare at your computer.  
  
To your utter shock, your Bud Ballot is alive and kicking. All of your friends seem to be online, and not crushed by meteors.  
  
\-- siliconSwashbuckler [SS] began badgering intenseImpressionist [II] -–  
  
SS: Stephanie!  
II: hi steve  
SS: I am so glad to see you.  
II: uh  
II: im glad to see you too  
II: why  
SS: Uh…  
SS: It’s kind of a long story.  
II: im listening  
SS: I… don’t even know where to start.  
SS: You know that game that just came out?  
II: yeah  
II: actually I have it installed  
II: but I dont have another player  
SS: Perfect!  
SS: I’ll connect to you. Then we can prove I’m not crazy.  
II: uh  
II: okay  
II: I dont think youre crazy tho  
SS: I’ll feel better if we can prove that.  
SS: And if we can save everybody.  
II: okay  
SS: Just hang tight. If I’m right, we don’t have much time.


	16. Chapter 16

Your entry into the LAND OF WILL AND WHIM was rather uneventful. Stephanie had direction from Steve, so you knew exactly what to do.  
  
The only way to describe this place is intense. On the horizon you can see a series of volcanoes erupting. Enormous figures – hopefully mecha – clash in the distance. You can make out cityscapes in the dim light, some of which topple as the giant battles envelop them. The air is thick, and you have to shield your face from the interminable breeze.  
  
SHONENSPRITE: KYAAAAAAAAA!  
SHONENSPRITE: THE CALL OF BAAAAATTLE!  
  
The spiky hair of your sprite is ruffled by the wind (though it did that back in your house anyway). It constantly clenches and unclenches its fists, and randomly it shouts at the top of its lungs. You probably should have prototyped it with something other than the nearest DVD.  
  
SHONENSPRITE: SENSEEEEEEEI!  
SHONENSPRITE: WE MUST PREPARE!  
SHONENSPRITE: OUR ENEMIES DRAW NEEEEEEAR!  
  
Sure enough, you can see a pair of DUST IMPS approaching to investigate your house. As Steve said, they share traits of all of the sprites prototyped so far. They have four arms, unshaven faces, circle-rimmed glasses, and now spiky hair. Their shell-like hides are the same dark hue as the crumbling mesas around you.

Well, you never did get to try out your new Strife Specibus.

BIFF! POW!

Gloves: 2, Imps: 0.

Now that you have some Build Grist to spare, you decide to put it to use. Apparently Greg figured out the purpose of the Punch Designex currently occupying your kitchen. It allows you to combine the captcha codes of two objects from your Sylladex and plug into the Alchemiter to create something new. The jackass demanded that he decide what everyone would alchemitize, but you aren’t going to listen to that asshole. You have a few ideas of your own.

First you could use a better way to keep in contact with your friends.

Cell Phone && Glove = DIGITAL DISPLAY

You flip it turn-ways to get a left-hand glove made of a slick, rubbery black material embedded with circuitry. As you flex your fingers, a hologram of your phone’s screen appears above your hand. Now you can check your BadgerBud bulletins with a flick of your wrist.

You could use something with a more combat focus.

Glove || Recording Equipment = MOONWALKER’S MITT

The white glove extends part of the way up your arm. Simply wearing it makes you feel more nimble, like you glide with every step.

Another squad of Dust Imps is headed your way. Looks like you’re going to get the chance to try out your new toys.

SHAMON!


	17. Chapter 17

You have to find a way to tell him. This is the perfect chance. You’ve got his full attention, and you’re alone. Every other time this has happened, you’ve come up with some excuse. Now, you don’t have one. You can do this.  
  
SS: Okay. Once we open the Cruxtruder, you’ll only have a few minutes to make your Cruxore object before the meteor hits your house.  
  
…Okay, that’s a pretty good excuse.  
  
Maybe next time.  
  
II: okay  
II: what do I do?  
SS: When I open the Cruxtruder, a glowing thing will pop out along with a cylinder of Cruxore.  
SS: The glowing thing will be your sprite. It’s kind of like your guide in the game.  
SS: You’ll need to prototype it with something so it can talk and give you advice.  
SS: So pick something really helpful.  
SS: Hmm. I wonder.  
SS: Try one of your drawings. Maybe it’ll turn into something like one of us. That would help.  
  
You get to pick your guide?  
  
There’s only one person you would want with you. The one person who always has something smart to say, who always cheers you up when you need it most.  
  
While he lifts your dresser with the cursor, you find the latest drawing you made. Before you connected, you made sure to hide it in your desk. It’s still rough; you haven’t had the chance to properly ink and color it. The scene is a starry, moonlit night. It’s the pier at the beach your friends go to each year at the start of summer. Gentle waves lap the shore. At the center is a bench. Steve sits on it, staring up into the sky. You sit next to him, your head on his shoulder. Behind the back of the bench, your fingers entwine with his. Your eyes are closed, and the smile Steve claims is so beautiful spreads your face.  
  
Every year, you dream of living out this scene. Every year, you can’t work up the courage to try.  
  
The glowing orb now floats into your view. Steve has opened the Cruxtruder.  
  
Giving the drawing one last longing look, you thrust it into the sprite.  
  
A bright violet flash fills your room.  
  
What then appears before your eyes is horrifying.  
  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ Hi! ♥  
  
She has your short hair. She has your circle-rimmed glasses.  
  
Worst of all, she has your smile.  
  
SS: Okay, that works too.  
SS: I’m placing the punched card and the Cruxore on your desk. Put the Cruxore in the Totem Lathe and then put the card in the slot. Then, after it finishes carving, use the carved Cruxore on the Alchemiter.  
SS: Crap, I’ve got more imps headed my way.  
SS: That’s weird. Now they’ve got your glasses.  
SS: Maybe they change every time we prototype.  
SS: Either way, I’ve got to go.  
SS: I have faith you can handle it from here. Good luck!  
  
\-- siliconSwashbuckler [SS] ceased badgering intenseImpressionist [II] \--  
  
You’re stuck here. Alone. With… that.  
  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ Aww, Steve left? ♥  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ That’s okay! He said he has faith in us! ♥  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ Let’s get started! ♥  
  
You take the punched card and cylinder from your desk. They join your art supplies in your Sylladex.  
  
As you walk down the hall toward your sister’s room, the abomination keeps blathering.  
  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ This is going to be so great! ♥  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ We’re going on a quest with Steve! ♥  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ And James and Greg and Tiffany and Liz, too. ♥  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ But mostly with Steve! ♥  
  
The door to your sister’s room is hard to open. Partially because you don’t feel worthy of entering, but mostly because Steve stuck the Totem Lathe in the way. You squeeze through and look at the strange device. Just as Steve described, there’s a place for the cylinder and the card.  
  
You’ll to remove the objects from your Sylladex. You use the Haiku Modus.  
  
Cruxore cylinder  
Brimming with untapped power  
The future within  
  
You slid it into place.  
  
Punched captchalog card  
Holes arrayed with strange meaning  
Soon to be discerned  
  
The card fits perfectly in the slot.  
  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ You’re almost done! ♥  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ Once we enter the Medium, we can see Steve again! ♥  
  
You watch the Lathe extend its needles and etch the cylinder. After a few moments, the carving is done, and you take it. The Alchemiter sits next to you. Your sister has an enormous room. There’s a pedestal perfect for the carved cylinder. You set it in place and watch the arm scan the curves. With a zap, an object appears on the pad, the same violet as the cylinder. You recognize it immediately – it’s a tube of paint, probably about half empty. As the abomination urges you on, you pick it up and give it a squeeze.


	18. Chapter 18

You finish off the last of the Steel Imps with a flourish. As usual, your parries and thrusts are perfect. In addition to being a SMOOTH OPERATOR and a genius roboticist, you’re a fantastic fencer. Sure, you’re not undefeated at your fencing classes, but that’s just because you’ve been holding back. Obviously you don’t want to overwhelm your classmates.  
  
Now that you have grist to spare, you can continue learning the intricacies of punch card alchemy. It obviously works by combining the captcha codes from the two objects you want to merge using either a bitwise AND or a bitwise OR. Changing the operation changes the resultant object.  
  
Suit || Robot Prototype = FUTURIST’S FRIPPERY  
  
Suit && Robot Prototype = BUTLERBOT  
  
You’ve donned the Futurist’s Frippery now. It’s shiny, covered in LEDs and pneumatic tubes. Each metal plate that comprises the torso is hexagonal, giving the entire outfit a honeycomb aesthetic. This is compounded by the shades that complete the ensemble, which give everything a yellowish tint. They function as a heads-up display, giving you access to BadgerBud, your web browser, and your host session with Steve. You’ve been ignoring him while you work. He needs to learn to think for himself if he’s going to be a member of your team.  
  
ButlerBot follows you around, trying to offer you a spot of tea. You’d get frustrated, but a SMOOTH OPERATOR never loses his cool.  
  
You consider crafting yourself a new weapon. While your foil is more than adequate to dispatch the trash you’ve encountered so far, you wouldn’t mind something more appropriate to your surroundings. The LAND OF FACTORIES AND FROGS demands something invented sometime after humans walked upright.  
  
Foil || Pneumatic Tube = AIRBLADE  
  
Your sword now has a compression nozzle in the hilt. Squeezing the trigger adds momentum to your thrust, giving your attacks extra power.  
  
It’s a little unwieldy, though.  
  
Futurist’s Frippery && Airblade = HIDDEN AIRBLADE  
  
Now the blade is stored in your suit until you flick your wrist. It still zips out with the same compression blast, but now you can use it as a surprise attack.  
  
You bet there’s a bit more functionality you could add to it.  
  
Hidden Airblade && Bicycle Chain = HIDDEN CHAINBLADE  
  
Serrated teeth spin along the edges of the blade. You bet this could cut through the hide of any imp you could possibly encounter. In fact, this is probably a game breaker.  
  
Obviously your engineering genius is going to be the savior of your team. You should probably take responsibility for manufacturing all of your team’s equipment. It’s just better for everyone if you’re in charge.  
  
\-- audaciousArchitect [AA] began badgering siliconSwashbuckler [SS] -–  
  
AA: Steve, do not use the Alchemiter.  
SS: What? Why?  
AA: We don’t know how available build grist will be.  
AA: We need to use it as optimally as possible.  
AA: Send me a list of the contents of your environment and your Sylladex.  
AA: I will determine the best objects to create.  
SS: No! Screw you!  
SS: I’m not going to let you play this game for me.  
SS: I am the game expert here. And I refuse to take orders from you.  
AA: As leader of this team, I am the most qualified to make these sorts of important decisions. It’s best for everyone.  
SS: Screw that! What makes you think you’re leader?  
AA: Steve. Please.  
AA: I have the most experience creating intricate devices from limited resources, and I have the most experience managing a team that is capable of victory.  
AA: Need I remind you which team is the regional champion?  
SS: Oh yeah. Being the head of the robotics club obviously makes you godking of everything.  
AA: I’ve already created the best possible weapon available in my circumstances. You should let me do the same for everyone.  
AA: We need to be strong if we’re going to win this game.  
SS: No.  
SS: I can make at least as good a weapon as you can.  
SS: In fact, I’m going to go do that now.  
SS: Screw.  
SS: You.

\-- siliconSwashbuckler [SS] is now busy --  
  
Well. So be it.  
  
This will be a good learning experience for him. He can find his limitations, and then he’ll come back and be willing to listen.  
  
In the meantime, you should try to make contact with the rest of your team. Steve may be stubborn, but you’re sure that the others will see reason.  
  
Really, it’s best for everyone.


	19. Chapter 19

The nerve of that guy!  
  
He thinks he can tell you how to win a game? You’ve been gaming since you were a kid!  
  
You’ll show him. You’ll make the best weapon in the game right now.  
  
You just have to figure out how.  
  
ACTIONSPRITE: USE THE BOOST TO GET THROUGH!  
STEVE: Is that supposed to mean something? Because it doesn’t.  
ACTIONSPRITE: HAVE YOU TRIED USING EVERY ITEM IN YOUR INVENTORY WITH EVERY OTHER ITEM?  
STEVE: Stop saying words.  
ACTIONSPRITE: FINE  
ACTIONSPRITE: YOU COMBINE ITEMS USING THE PUNCH DESIGNIX  
ACTIONSPRITE: BY EITHER ADDING OR CROSSING THE CAPTCHA CODES  
ACTIONSPRITE; YOU CAN IMBUE YOUR ITEMS WITH NEW POWER  
ACTIONSPRITE: WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO REPEAT THAT?  
-> YES  
NO  
  
So you combine the captcha codes of two items? Okay, you can do that.  
  
Staff || Studded Building Bricks = STUDDED STAFF  
  
Now you have a staff made of bricks. It’s square, making it uncomfortable to hold. You give it an experimental swing, and it falls apart.  
  
Okay. So that won’t work. You bet Greg didn’t make something awesome on his first try either.  
  
Staff && Video Game Poster = +1 STAFF  
  
Hey! This is better than the last one. It’s even better than your normal staff. One better, to be precise, although one what you can’t say.  
  
Maybe you don’t need a really cool weapon. You should try creating something else, like a sweet suit of armor.  
  
Looking around your room for inspiration, your eyes fall on this year’s calendar. Every Christmas you receive the next year’s calendar from your mom. It’s not a very flashy gift, but it’s become tradition so you have to put up with it. This one was the best yet. In addition to marking the usual holidays – Easter, Thanksgiving, Arbor Day – it also notes when famous piratical battles happened. Each month has the flag and ship diagram of a legendary outlaw; September is “Black Bart” Roberts, who sailed to St. Christopher in 1720.  
  
Hooded Sweatshirt && Pirate Calendar = CAPTAIN’S ACCOUTREMENTS  
  
Alright! This is more like it! You’re now wearing a full coat that stretches down to the floor. It’s got large pockets, silver trimming, and even a holster for a pistol (you may have to expand your Strife Portfolio). The Jolly Roger grins on your breast pocket. This is definitely better than whatever dumb sword Greg made.  
  
It’s still missing something, though.  
  
Of course! You need a way to check BadgerBud and keep acting as Stephanie’s server.  
  
Laptop || Captain’s Accoutrements = IPATCH  
  
The iPatch projects over your right eye, displaying your laptop’s screen.  
  
Of course, now you’ve got to have a weapon worthy of this awesome attire. You think you’ve got the hang of this alchemy thing. Time to try something strange.  
  
Staff && Geometry Book = ARCHIMEDES’ WORLDMOVER  
  
This is, without question, the best item in the game.  
  
It’s made of a polished marble, with equations carefully etched along its length. Sigmas and pis and phis and all the other symbols glow on the smooth surface. As you swing it, you can feel the power of math coursing through you. All you need is a place to stand, and you really could move the world.  
  
But now you’re out of grist. This was expensive, but it was totally worth it. You need to find a way to meet up with Greg so you can rub his nose in it. There’s no way he could have come up with something this good. One look at your coat and your staff, and he’ll admit that he was wrong about being the team leader.  
  
The ground shakes suddenly. Through the window you can see an enormous figure rising out of the ocean in front of your home island. You dash down the stairs and out onto the porch.  
  
A great SILT OGRE looms over you.  
  
Just a few minutes ago, you would have been terrified.  
  
Now, you get a good grip on your staff and give it a grin.  
  
Eat geometry!


	20. Chapter 20

You’re sitting on your bed in tears. Beside you, Sarahsprite pats you on the back with a daintily gloved hand.  
  
How could this be part of His plan? How does destroying the Earth with meteors make any sense? How could killing every person alive ever be for their benefit?  
  
Thankfully James decided to leave you alone after you entered the LAND OF HYMNS AND HEARTHS. You don’t want to talk to anyone right now, especially him.  
  
SARAHSPRITE: Oh heavens me.  
SARAHSPRITE: Dear, I fear you’ve a number of gentlemen callers. And I must say, their manners are simply dreadful.  
  
You blink back tears and get to your feet.  
  
The door to your room flies open, and a pair of COAL IMPS burst in. You can clearly make out the effects of the prototypings – four arms, rugged stubble, circle-rimmed glasses, spiky hair, and stylish corsets on both of them. They snicker at your distress.  
  
Suddenly your despair turns to rage. How dare they! How dare He!  
  
You grab the novel you’ve been clutching for support and charge at them.  
  
DRAMATIC ARC’D!  
  
The two imps explode in a shower of surprise and grist.  
  
SARAHSPRITE: My word!  
SARAHSPRITE: Dearest, have you a touch of the vapors?  
ELIZABETH: I will mope no longer.  
ELIZABETH: Perhaps this is a test of faith.  
ELIZABETH: Perhaps this is my forty days lost in the desert.  
ELIZABETH: Perhaps it was all a lie.  
ELIZABETH: It doesn’t matter.  
ELIZABETH: My friends need me.  
ELIZABETH: And I will be there for them.  
  
You glance through your BadgerBud messages. Steve and Greg both explain how to combine objects; Steve insists you should, while Greg demands you don’t. You debate internally for a moment.  
  
It’s better to beg forgiveness than ask permission.  
  
Bathrobe || Medical Reference Book = HEALER’S HABILIMENT  
  
Your new robe sports the red medical cross on the back and on the lapel. Its pockets are full of first aid supplies that seem to replenish themselves. Your grandmother insisted that it’s never too early to study for medical school when she bought you that book. Thanks to your dedication, you know exactly what you withdraw from your pockets and how best to use it.  
  
If you and your friends are going to encounter more of those demons, you’ll need to be ready to lend aid.  
  
Perhaps not only physical aid.  
  
Cross Necklace && Novel = DIVINE DOORSTOPPER  
  
You now have a hefty tome that can convert the repentant through both inspiring scripture and a solid blow to the head. It fits nicely into your Bookkind Strife Specibus.  
  
Novel || Laptop = E-READER  
  
Now you have a book-sized personal computing device. It’s far more convenient – and you can read your books on it.  
  
You decide to reach out to Steve and see what you can do.  
  
\-- phaithfulPhysician [PP] began badgering siliconSwashbuckler [SS] –-  
  
PP: Steve.  
SS: Liz! Are you okay?  
SS: James was worried about you.  
SS: And I guess I was too.  
PP: I’m fine.  
PP: And I’m ready.  
SS: Uh.  
SS: Ready for what?  
PP: For whatever it is we’re faced with. Whatever this game, or test, or whatever it is. I’m ready to help.  
SS: Awesome!  
SS: We still need Tiffany.  
SS: But no one has been able to contact her since Greg entered.  
SS: Her BadgerBud says she’s busy.  
PP: Have you tried calling her?  
SS: Uh…  
PP: …That was the first thing you tried, right?  
SS: Uh…  
PP: …  
PP: I’ll take care of it.  
  
\-- phaithfulPhysician [PP] ceased badgering siliconSwashbuckler [SS] \--


	21. Chapter 21

You sit at your desk, head in your hands.  
  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ C’mon! We’re here! We’ve got to get to work so we can get through the gates and see Steve again!♥  
  
It keeps giving you that wide, mocking smile. Every so often, it sighs happily.  
  
You could have chosen any other drawing. You could have had Greg’s arrogance, or James’ idiocy.  
  
But you had to get greedy, and now you’re stuck with that reminder of what you could be.  
  
According to Steve, you can prototype a sprite twice. Maybe you’ll stick it with something else, something that can’t talk.  
  
No.  
  
You need to be reminded of what happens when you fly too close to the sun.  
  
A noise outside the room stirs you from your sad stupor.  
  
The two GLASS IMPS that stand menacingly in the hall peer through glasses identical to your own. They crackle the knuckles on all four of their arms.  
  
You remember that you’ve got a new Strife Specibus to try, but you can’t muster the energy.  
  
They barrel towards you.  
  
WHAP!

She... just kicked them so hard they exploded.

With that smile on her face, she gathers up all the fallen grist.

STEPHSPRITE: ♥ Here, Stephanie! Now that we’ve got build grist, we can start making things to impress Steve! ♥

You trudge over to the Punch Designix. Steve and Greg have already done the work of understanding how to use it. Greg demanded that you give him a list of your possessions, but you don’t feel up to the task.

Well, your doppelganger seemed to think that you could make something worth Steve’s attention. You might as well give it a shot.

For a moment, you consider opening your sketchbook for source material. Then you look over your shoulder.

No, it’s done enough damage already.

Shoujo Magazine && Pencil Box = HOW TO DRAW MANGA

...You’re off to a great start. Ten grist thrown away on an amateur instructional manual. Only an artistic idiot could make use of something this terrible.

Sculpting Knife || Palette && Paintbrush = CHROMATIC CLEAVER

This might actually be worth something. It’s a brush with a sharp tip and a colored dial on the side. By scrolling the wheel, you can change the hue of the tip. You give it a few test swings, and it leaves an arc of the appropriate color in the air. In the LAND OF MURK AND MIRRORS, any color stands out dramatically.

At least you won’t be completely useless. You apply it to your Brushkind Strife Specibus.

Palette && Sweatshirt = TECHNICOLOR TOPCOAT

You’re decked to the nines in rainbows now. In another circumstance, you’d probably enjoy how vibrant you look. Right now, though, it just highlights how empty you feel.

Eraser && Sweatshirt = VANISHING VEIL

This coat makes you invisible. It’s apropos, since you’d like nothing more than to disappear right now.

None of this is going to show Steve that you’re anything other than worthless. You’ve started collecting the backlog of a series about pirates in the hope that you could share it with him. It’ll do for a start.

Pirate Manga && Technicolor Topcoat = RAIDING RAINBOW

Now the suit sports a skull motif, and you have a holster for your brush and palette. It’s a little jarring; you probably won’t wear it often. You switch back to the Vanishing Veil.

Pen && Inkwell || Pirate Manga = CALLIGRAPHER'S CUTLASS

This is... weird. It’s a fancy pen, but when you hold it right it turns into a jet-black sword. It’s probably the best you’re going to get.

You have just enough grist to try something else.

Computer && Pencil Box = ILLUSTRATOR’S INTERFACE

The tiny stylus projects your screen from the head. You can tap on the hologram for interaction, even writing out your BadgerBud messages like a troglodyte. It’s certainly more portable than your usual computing options.

\-- intenseImpressionist [II] began badgering siliconSwashbuckler [SS] \--

II: steve?  
SS: One sec.  
SS: Ha! This staff is the greatest thing mankind has ever produced.  
SS: Oh hey! You started alchemizing things.  
SS: I like that coat. It really suits you.  
SS: Did you make any weapons?

You pull out the Chromatic Cleaver. On a whim, you keep flipping through the wheel as you wave it around. In moments, your room is awash in color.

SS: Woah! That’s awesome!  
SS: It makes your gloomy world a lot more bright.  
SS: I wonder if we can get you off it. I bet you’d like my world a lot better.  
SS: Ugh, hang on. I have to translate my stupid sprite’s advice. You’re lucky you got a good sprite.  
SS: Okay, if I understand him correctly, there are these gates on each of our worlds. Once we build our way up to them, we can start visiting each other’s worlds.  
II: okay  
SS: I guess that’ll be our first goal. I don’t know if it’ll be easier for me to get you or vice versa, but we’ll figure it out.  
II: okay  
SS: I’ve got to go see about getting Tiffany in. If we lost her, I don’t think I could live with myself.  
SS: I’ll keep an eye on you, okay? Stay safe!

\-- siliconSwashbuckler [SS] is now busy --

You wrap the Vanishing Veil around yourself.

You just need to be nothing for a little while.


	22. Chapter 22

You finish with a smooth spin, letting the grist shower down on you. Man, you’re slick. You’ve already climbed your Echeladder from DIMESTORE DAIMYO all the way to SUBURBAN SHOGUN. Now your Ceramic Porkhollow is a proper Wall Street executive – a fat capitalist pig.  
  
Having reaped all these spoils, you figure it’s time to upgrade your duds.  
  
Shonen DVD || Jacket = BLEACHED BATTLEROBE  
  
Now you’ve got a sweet black kimono with white trim. Sure, you feel a little empty wearing it, but it makes you look badass. You’re totally keeping this.  
  
It’s been a while since you heard from any of your friends. Liz probably still needs time. Having her entire worldview completely broken probably needed more than an hour to fix.  
  
You should see if Stephanie is there. You’ve got more grist than you know what to do with; maybe you can share it with everybody else, balance out your capitalist swine with a little distribution of wealth.  
  
\-- bebopBelter [BB] began badgering intenseImpressionist [II] -–  
  
BB: yo  
BB: you there  
BB: hey steph  
II: go away  
BB: uh  
BB: did i do something  
II: just go away  
BB: ok  
  
\-- bebopBelter [BB] ceased badgering intenseImpressionist [II] \--  
  
Huh. Well, she always was weird.  
  
No Liz, and no Stephanie. You could try contacting Greg, but that would mean talking to Greg.  
  
\-- bebopBelter [BB] began badgering siliconSwashbuckler [SS] -–  
  
BB: yo  
SS: Hey dude.  
BB: you gotta check my sweet new robe  
SS: Pssch. I can beat that. I’ve got an awesome coat and the best staff.  
BB: is it sharp  
SS: No, it’s a staff.  
BB: good  
BB: if it was you might cut somebody and give them a staff infection  
SS: …I hate you.  
BB: lol  
BB: dude i have all this grist  
BB: what do i do with it  
SS: I’m trying to find that out too.  
SS: My stupid sprite refuses to give me a straight answer.  
BB: yeah mine kept yelling  
BB: then it wanted to go fight all these giants  
BB: havent seen it in a while  
SS: Okay. Look up in the sky over your house.  
  
You glance up from the image projected over your fist. There’s a green circle way up in the air. As you squint, you realize it’s not a circle, but the same spirograph symbol from the game’s loading screen.  
  
BB: huh  
BB: the fuck is that  
SS: Apparently it’s a Gate. There are seven if I understand this idiot correctly.  
SS: We have to build our way up to them. Then something about a final battle and…  
SS: Ugh. Stupid sprite keeps rambling about chocobo breeding. I’m pretty sure we don’t have to do anything like that. It’s probably some obscure sidequest we do to get the best weapons or something.  
BB: good  
BB: only reason id be breeding giant birds is for giant drumsticks  
BB: open my own restaurant  
BB: colonel stelios  
SS: Bojangles.  
BB: thats my line  
SS: Anyway, you should talk to Stephanie about starting to build.  
BB: tried  
BB: she wont talk to me  
SS: That’s weird. I just talked to her and she seemed okay.  
SS: I guess try talking to Liz then. She’s started earning grist, so maybe she can build.  
BB: is she better now  
SS: I think so.  
BB: cool  
BB: ill get on that  
  
\-- bebopBelter [BB] ceased badgering siliconSwashbuckler [SS] \--


	23. Chapter 23

You are now the SINISTER SCHEMER.  
  
You’ve gathered your crew here in the depths of Derse to plan, plot, conspire, connive, and machinate. Sure, the queen wouldn’t like it, but she doesn’t like much. She’s too busy being a huge bitch.  
  
You glance around your circular table. At your right hand, as always, is the DUPLICITOUS DRUDGE. He’s possibly the least trustworthy creature on Derse (aside from yourself), so you keep him beside at all times. If he’s going to stab somebody in the back, you’re going to be behind him, watching and laughing. Across from you is the HALE BEHEMOTH. His strength is second only to the king himself, and you can always use a slab of muscle to do the things that aren’t fun enough to do yourself. On your left is the CURIOUS DEPUTY. You’re not entirely sure why you keep him around; he’s kind of slow. Still, a crew with only three members is scarcely a crew at all.  
  
At the moment, you’re mostly just sitting in your hideout, waiting for the opportune moment to strike. Being a two-faced manipulator involves a lot of waiting. You don’t like that part much. But it also involves a lot of stabbing, and you like that part a lot.  
  
Five of the six heroes have entered the Medium. Up in their towers on the moon, the Heir, the Prince, and the Knight lie sleeping. The decree from the queen is that everyone leave them alone until the final hero arrives. Only then can you sneak up there and kill them. You’ve considered misunderstanding that order and accidentally dropping your knife into their windpipes six or seven dozen times.  
  
But a true crew leader knows when to wait and when to wallop. If you refrain from making any hasty moves, you can take out the heroes in one fell swoop and then claim the fully powered RING OF ORBS SIXFOLD. That’s the real prize.  
  
The Duplicitous Drudge asks you why you gathered everyone here if you’re not going to do anything.  
  
You offer to show him the backside of your hand. Part of being a shifty crew known for their lack of scruples and prevalence of malice is secretly meeting in dark rooms. You’ve considered getting cigars so you can have a haze of smoke to improve the atmosphere, but it burns your eyes. You can’t be a sinister sovereign if you’re squinty all the time, unless it’s a squint born of mangrit. You’ll have to settle with clouded windows and an axe in the middle of the table.  
  
The Curious Deputy asks something stupid. You never bother to listen to him, so you don’t know what it was.  
  
As you steeple your fingers over the table, you lay out your plan. The Curious Deputy and the Duplicitous Drudge will travel to Prospit and wait in the hero’s tower there. You’ll take the Hale Behemoth and wait in the tower here at Derse. As soon as the final prototyping commences, you’ll slaughter the lot of them. Then you’ll use the celebratory parade as cover to go rip the ring from the queen’s finger.  
  
The Duplicitous Drudge thinks the plan is stupid. He says it’s obvious.  
  
You explain that it’s so obvious that no one will expect it. That’s why it’s so brilliant.  
  
The Drudge says that you’re dumb. You should just go kill the queen now.  
  
You offer him a SWIFT RESPONSE and a THOUGHTFUL RETORT (those are what you call your fists when you are feeling clever, which is always). Your singular brand of well-reasoned discourse never fails to corral your underlings.  
  
Now that the intelligent discussion is over, you buckle down and start the planning. You’ve created a gambit that emphasizes your team’s strengths. The Drudge will do a great deal of impaling, the Behemoth does the heavy lifting, and the Deputy… will be there, you guess. Maybe you’ll hand him a bomb or something. An extra explosion somewhere is never uncalled for.  
  
You burn away the hours hunched over your maps. This will be the greatest caper paradox space has ever seen.


	24. Chapter 24

Sweat drips off your brow as you whirl your staff around. You’ve fought your way through so many imps and ogres you stopped keeping track. There doesn’t seem to be any end to them; every time you clear them out, you only have enough time to catch your breath and fire off a few BadgerBud messages before a new gaggle crops up. At least you’ve managed to skyrocket up your Echeladder all the way to FORTITUDINOUS FIRST MATE. There’s a great deal more bacon on your Ceramic Porkhollow too.  
  
The last of this batch of imps falls, and you gather the spoils. Thankfully, you had the foresight to send your sprite to explore some of the islands in the distance, so you don’t have to listen to it try to hum a victory theme each time you win. The last time you leveled up, it started rattling off stat increases. By the time it reached +3 Awareness(Pumpkins), you were ready to scream. There aren’t even any pumpkins here to be aware of.  
  
You spare a glance at BadgerBud. Nothing seems to have changed since your last look. James is busy, Liz is bustling, Greg is buried. Stephanie hasn’t answered in a while. It must be that dreary world of hers bringing her down. You suggested trying to build more colorful things like that great coat she made, but you didn’t receive a response.  
  
Well, there are more important things to worry about right now. Tiffany still hasn’t entered the game.  
  
You’ve definitely got to get her to safety. The two of you have been friends for years, and you probably wouldn’t admit it, but you’ve got a bit of a crush on her. She’s really smart, and always full of energy, and probably the most beautiful girl you’ve ever seen. She’s got gorgeous blonde hair, and her constant athleticism left her with a fantastic figure. You’ve had classes together every year of high school, and any time you can spend studying together is always the highlight of your week. She always brings a smile to your face.  
  
Which is why you have to get her into the game before Greg can ruin your chance with his confidence and his charisma and his stupid face. You’re definitely going to save Tiffany and help her through the gates on her world, and it’ll give you that perfect moment you know you need. The circumstances will be perfect, and you’ll confess your feelings, and she’ll admit that she feels the same way, and you’ll have a real girlfriend.  
  
Yeah. That’s what will happen.  
  
Your thoughts are cut short when a monkey throws a coconut at your head.


	25. Chapter 25

  
\-- siliconSwashbuckler [SS] began badgering phaithfulPhysician [PP] –-  
  
SS: Hey Liz. Have you seen any creatures other than imps on your world?  
PP: Are you referring to the mice? They’re quite pleasant.  
SS: Mice?  
PP: Yes. Human-size bipedal mice. Do you not have them?  
SS: No, I don’t have any mice.  
SS: Ow!  
SS: I have stupid monkeys that keep throwing things at me.  
PP: Oh dear. Are you alright?  
SS: Ow!  
PP: According to my sprite, they are the consorts of each land. They have some purpose in our quest, though she isn’t at liberty to say precisely what.  
SS: Ow! That’s it!  
SS: I’ll be back.  
  
\-- siliconSwashbuckler [SS] ceased badgering phaithfulPhysician [PP] \--  
  
That doesn’t sound good. You look at your new companions, thankful that they seem to have refined manners. They chitter to each other in high-pitched voices. As you look around, you can see holes where they likely live.  
  
The Land of Hymns and Hearths is a cozy place. Giant stone columns reach up higher than you can see, lifting up a sky that seems to be made of stained glass. Stretching out from your house are rows of walls covered in reverent carvings. You think you can make out images of yourself and your friends among them. Periodically the walls are split by enormous fireplaces, each full of roaring flames.  
  
Your mouse companions have made their homes in cubbies over the fireplaces. They crawl out hesitantly, wide eyes fixed on you.  
  
As a gesture of good will, you reach out and scratch the nearest one behind the ears. It makes a contented noise and wrinkles its nose. At this, the rest visibly relax. You decide to start giving them names.  
  
A little while later, Madam Annette Ellingworth and Lord Bartholomew Castleton lead you along the main thoroughfare, squeaking back and forth. You give a friendly wave to Duke Neville Hallward and his fine lady before you stop in front of a large altar. Lord Castleton excitedly waves his paws at the inscriptions on its surface. You give them a close look. Six small planets orbit a very large one. There’s a seventh tucked right next to the large planet; it appears to have a small moon that’s… connected by a chain? How strange. Further out, there’s a ring of meteors, and beyond those another planet chained to a moon.  
  
You circle the altar, absorbed in the carvings. These are definitely you and your friends, along with iconography you don’t quite understand. That’s clearly a heart, and that appears to be a sun and a gear. The symbol over your head is utterly foreign to you. These must be imps here, and these are definitely your new mouse friends. Everyone seems to be bowing down in worship of… a frog?  
  
Oh dear. You seem to have stumbled across a strange mouse cult. Luckily, you are well prepared. Gripping your holy book tight, you turn to your new congregation.  
  
Listen for the Word of God.


	26. Chapter 26

You are now the DUPLICITOUS DRUDGE.  
  
At the moment, you’re sneaking your way into the royal palace. Sure, your so-called leader told you not to do this, but you’ve always been the brains of the operation. Why wait to steal the ring and let the queen get fully powered? Better to make a move now, before anyone suspects anything.  
  
Well, before they suspect anything specific. This is Derse, after all.  
  
You managed to distract one of the guards with a fine tabloid about monochromatic maidens. He didn’t quite appreciate the true artistry, but he’ll have plenty of time to study it as he searches for his other lung.  
  
Now you’ve found a quiet corner and stopped to light up a smoke. One must keep up appearances, and a villain who can’t enjoy a cigarette after a foul deed well done is nary a villain at all. You have plenty of time; word on the inside is the last hero isn’t anywhere near ready to enter the Medium. By the time of the last prototyping, you’ll be wearing that ring on your finger and flexing the full power of the MILES.  
  
You drop the dwindling end of your cigarette and stub it out on the royal floor with a grin. A nice reminder that there’s nothing so sacred that you can’t scar it.  
  
According to your map and innate sense of direction, the throne room is just around the corner and down the hall. The threats and bribes you placed made sure you’re going to have a straight shot. Your spear arm itches for a bit of regicide.  
  
As you turn the corner, you run headfirst into some sort of COOL MOM.  
  
She kicks you in the face.


	27. Chapter 27

You thank the kind little black creature for the directions. He waves his good arm and coughs some sort of response. You shake your finger at him; he really shouldn’t be trying to talk with those wounds.  
  
The tower stands before you. At the top, you can see the window that opens into the hero’s chamber. Currently there are no other patrolmen on watch. You have a short time before your entry will be noticed, though, so you’d better move fast.  
  
As you sprint up the stairs of the violet tower, you glance at your phone. The others are on their way to awaken their respective dreamers as well. With any luck, you can do this all in one fell swoop, and the Dersite plan will be foiled. The heroes will have enough trouble without these jerks getting in the way.  
  
You reach the top just as the alarm sounds. Already you can hear the heavy footsteps marching up behind you. With a bit of quick thinking, you slip into the room and barricade it with a bunch of refuse from your Sylladex. It won’t keep them out forever, but it will buy you enough time.  
  
On the bed lies your sister, fast asleep in her purple pajamas. She’s still wearing her glasses; you don’t think she normally sleeps in them, but dream selves are weird. The chamber is a near-perfect replica of her room. Someone has written gibberish all over her walls, though. You can’t remember if that was in her room back in the normal world, but you tried to respect her privacy and stay out.  
  
In fact, you probably shouldn’t let her know that you were at all.  
  
You give her a smile as you climb onto the windowsill and ready your escape. She’s got a long, difficult journey ahead of her, but you know she’ll get through it. She always was the stronger one.  
  
As you leap out over Derse, you toss a ball of modelling clay and wake her up.


	28. Chapter 28

  
\-- audaciousArchitect [AA] began badgering phaithfulPhysician [PP] -–  
  
AA: Liz.  
PP: Hello, Greg.  
AA: I understand you’ve successfully entered the game.  
PP: I have.  
PP: Now I’m attempting to enlighten my new friends.  
AA: Friends?  
PP: The consorts of my world. They appear to be part of a pagan cult that worships us.  
PP: And frogs, for some reason.  
AA: Ah. That must be what all of these compartments contain.  
AA: And these creatures would be consorts.  
PP: Oh, what do you have? I believe Steve was being vexed by monkeys.  
AA: I believe these are foxes.  
PP: Hmmm. Then it would appear each world has its own consorts. Fascinating.  
AA: But likely unimportant. Have you encountered any imps and earned any grist?  
PP: Yes. I’m sorry, but I’ve already alchemized a few items.  
AA: …  
PP: I think Steve has as well.  
AA: I expected this recklessness from him, but not from you.  
AA: I explicitly laid out an optimal strategy. We can’t afford to squander our time and resources.  
PP: You don’t trust us to make good decisions.  
AA: Of course I do.  
AA: I just trust myself to make better ones.  
PP: …I’m beginning to understand why Steve finds you so frustrating.  
AA: That was a joke.  
PP: Sure it was.  
AA: Regardless, we need structure. We can do far more if we’re certain we are all working toward the same goal.  
PP: So you say.  
PP: I think you’re just afraid to give up power.  
PP: You’ve been head of every team you’ve joined and every projected you’ve worked on. You’re now in a situation where you can’t just take charge, and you’re terrified.  
PP: I could hazard guesses about the source of this need for control – I know how strict your father can be – but I think I’ll leave that up to you.  
AA: Are you done?  
AA: I have work to do.  
AA: Don’t do any more alchemy without consulting me first.  
  
\-- audaciousArchitect [AA] ceased badgering phaithfulPhysician [PP] \--  
  
The nerve of that girl. She’s always been meddlesome, but directly contracting your orders? You have a history of successful leadership. It only makes sense that you seize authority – for the good of everyone. You are the one best suited to keeping everyone safe and successfully winning the game.  
  
And your relationship with your father has always been absolutely fine. He’s pushed you, yes, but only to make sure you reached your full potential. You wouldn’t be the champion of the robotics club and an Eagle Scout and a straight-A student and a SMOOTH OPERATOR if not for his guidance. You’re the pinnacle of excellence because you have the support you need to keep you focused.  
  
Well. If she’s going to be obstinate, you’ll just let her waste her own time.  
  
SHIVASPRITE: ERROR  
SHIVASPRITE: user.getServer().connection > maxTime  
SHIVASPRITE: user.build() cannot accept null parameters  
SHIVASPRITE: user.enterGate() cannot accept null parameters  
SHIVASPRITE: server is a key field  
SHIVASPRITE: server cannot be null  
  
Your magnum opus is correct. You need to contact Tiffany again. While you could certainly continue alchemizing with the objects you have, there are certainly better uses for the grist you’ve been collecting. The devices you had a grist cost, so there must be more that you couldn’t afford before.  
  
You do have a client player. Perhaps you’ll take a look at the Phernalia Registry from the server side.  
  
\-- audaciousArchitect [AA] began badgering siliconSwashbuckler [SS] -–  
  
AA: Steve.  
SS: Oh. Wonderful.  
SS: As if I didn’t have enough of a headache now.  
AA: Leave the apes alone. I’m going to look at the options available in the Phernalia Registry.  
AA: You’ve been able to earn a surprising amount of grist. I’m impressed.  
SS: Don’t patronize me, Greg.  
AA: I’m not. Well done, Steve.  
AA: You’ve even made a high-quality weapon. A fine example of resourcefulness.  
AA: Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to spend some of your grist.  
SS: What if I do mind?  
AA: I’m going to do it anyway. But I would prefer your consent.  
AA: I’m not an asshole.  
SS: Says you.  
SS: Fine. Do whatever you’re going to do.  
SS: I’m going to get back to throwing away anything remotely like a coconut on this whole planet.  
  
You open the Phernalia Registry and begin perusing. Steve already has the Cruxtruder, the Alchemiter, the Totem Lathe, and the Punch Designix. These appear to be the core of the system – obtain Cruxite dowels, punch cards, carve totems, and create objects. Anything else, then, must be supplemental. They would augment the existing devices, or provide some other benefit tangential to the alchemy process.  
  
There are multiple items related to punched cards. As alchemy revolves around them, they’re obviously where to start first.  
  
You attempt to deploy the Jumper Block Extension. A ghost image snaps to the end of the Alchemiter, displaying a number of connection ports. It clips through the wall, though, so you can’t simply deploy it now. You’ll have to make space.  
  
For the first time, you take a good look at the room you’re rearranging. It has the air of a master bedroom, likely where Steve’s mother sleeps. A momentary twinge hits you as you wonder about your own parental figure. It’s nonsense, though; you managed to enter the Medium, and your father is far better than you are. You don’t have a doubt that he found a way to safety.  
  
As a show of respect, you don’t chuck the contents of this room out the window as you did with the spare room. Instead, you take care to move them down to the first floor. That lets you move the Alchemiter and deploy the Jumper Block Extension.  
  
Of course, now you have empty ports. There’s something in the Registry called a Punch Card Shunt. When you drag it out, it fits perfectly on one of the extension ports. It seems, like the Punch Designix, to have a slot for a captchalog card.  
  
AA: Alright, Steve. Enough fucking around. I need your help to test something.  
SS: Okay, okay. I’m headed back in-  
SS: …Why is my mom’s bed in the kitchen?  
AA: I needed to make room. Come up to the Alchemiter.  
  
After a few moments, you see Steve on the screen.  
  
SS: What’s this thing?  
AA: The Jumper Block Extension. Put one of your cards in the slot.  
SS: Which one?  
AA: Didn’t you not want me dictating your moves?  
SS: Okay, here goes.  
  
He draws one of his cards from his Sylladex and slips it in.  
  
The pedestal that scans carved dowels transforms into what appears to be a scale. You place an uncarved dowel on it, and the central platform projects symbols into the air.  
  
A = 2πr2 \+ 2πhr  
V = πr2h  
  
AA: You used a geometry textbook, I assume.  
SS: Yeah. Looks like it makes the Alchemiter calculate the properties of the Cruxore cylinder.  
AA: Cruxite.  
SS: What?  
AA: It’s called Cruxite.  
SS: Oh. Whatever.  
AA: More importantly, the Shunt changed the functionality of the Alchemiter.  
SS: Yeah, it did.  
AA: Hmm…  
SS: Hey, I have an idea.  
AA: Yes?  
SS: Can we get the captcha codes for the things in the Registry? Maybe we can combine them all into one machine.  
AA: That’s a good idea. Is your Sylladex capable of capturing something as large as this?  
SS: Crap. No.  
AA: Nor is mine.  
SS: I think Liz can. Check with her.  
AA: …Why don’t you do that. I have other things here I need to handle.  
SS: Okay.  
  
\-- audaciousArchitect [AA] ceased badgering siliconSwashbuckler [SS] \--


	29. Chapter 29

You’ve somehow awoken in your room.  
  
Yes, you were in your room before, but now it’s a different room that’s still your room.  
  
As you sit up, knowledge washes over you.  
  
You’re currently your dream self in your tower on Derse. Something woke you up. Back in your other room, you’re now asleep.  
  
Something is pounding on your door. It’s prevented from opening it by the pile of junk blocking the way. A hunch tells you that’s not normally there.  
  
It also tells you that you don’t really want to meet whatever’s trying to break in.  
  
Noting how comfortable your new purple pajamas are, you climb onto the windowsill. You’re not sure how this is going to work, but you’re sure that it will work.  
  
The final pound shoves the door open.  
  
You step out into the open Derse air.


	30. Chapter 30

You finish your first mouse Mass with a reading of scripture. It’s hard to tell how much they understood - at least a few are asleep, but that was true of the sermons back home too - but they at least seemed interested. They also have fantastic singing voices, even if they’re always in falsetto.

As you close your Bible, a chirp on your E-Reader alerts you that you have a new message.

  
\-- siliconSwashbuckler [SS] began badgering phaithfulPhysician [PP] \--

SS: Hey Liz. Are you there?  
PP: Yes, I am. I’m just finishing my first sermon.  
SS: You’re preaching?  
PP: Yes. I’m attempting to bring the Word to these misguided souls.  
SS: Huh.  
SS: Don’t take this the wrong way, but are you sure you want to do that?  
SS: James kind of implied that you were having a crisis of faith or something.  
PP: I’ll admit, this whole situation does seem to bend the teachings I’ve read.  
PP: But it’s times of darkness and despair that our faith must shine brightest.  
PP: I don’t know how this fits into His plan, but I trust that everything will come out right in the end.  
PP: And, to be fully honest, this little bit of structure has eased my mind considerably.  
SS: Well, if it helps, I guess go for it.  
SS: Anyway, can I ask you to give me a hand with a test?  
PP: Certainly.  
SS: I need the captcha code for the Totem Lathe and the Punch Designix.  
SS: Greg and I don’t have a Sylladex that hold something that big.  
PP: I understand. Give me just a moment.

You leave the pulpit and make your way back to your house. As you navigate between the pews, you give smiles and nods to your new congregation. They seem to be hovering around, none wanting to be the first to leave. This is, of course, proper Catholic behavior. Eventually, you’ll have to get them fine suits and gowns so they can impress each other with their impeccable fashion sense.

The crackles of the fires warm your spirit as you pass the mouseholes. This may not be entirely what you expected - okay, it’s nowhere in the same ballpark - but you’ll certainly make the most of it. As far as trials go, you could do far worse than a cozy place with gorgeous decor.

Something seems off as you step up to your front door. You can’t quite put your finger on it, but something has the hairs on your neck standing on end. There isn’t any sign of forced entry; you made sure to lock the door when you left so no imps would enter your home and cause trouble.

It hits you as you walk down the hall.

Your grandmother’s bedroom door is open.

Heart pounding, you creep up to the frame and peer inside. The television is still on, as it always is, displaying a soothing static. She can’t fall asleep without some white noise, so you set up an ancient TV set with a defunct antenna. It can never find a signal, making it perfect for her purposes.

You lean in further. Her favorite chair is empty save a few discarded blankets. The bed is similarly abandoned.

For a moment, your mind goes blank. Could she have awoken, come looking for you, and been abducted by imps?

No, you don’t think so. Something about this tranquil world seems safe. You make a mental note to ask one of the mice when you see them again.

The Totem Lathe and Punch Designix are simple enough to add to your Sylladex. Steve is right that you’re the only one who could carry something that large.

You use a special, very rare kind of Fetch Modus. All objects you captchalog are shuffled into your deck. The Prayer Modus operates using methodology that no one understands; indeed, it is very likely beyond human comprehension. When you want to retrieve something, you simply pray that you get it. Somehow, you always seem to draw exactly what you want. You can’t explain it; He moves in mysterious ways.

  
PP: Okay, Steve. I have both devices.  
SS: Can you give me the codes?  
PP: The Punch Designix is L229BxoG.  
PP: And the Totem Lathe is 1219FB64.  
PP: Let me double check that I typed those correctly.  
PP: Yes, those are correct.  
SS: Awesome, thanks!  
PP: If you don’t mind my asking, what do you need them for?  
SS: There’s a thing in the Phernalia Registry that lets you change the functions of the Alchemiter.  
SS: I think I can combine them and save some space.  
PP: I see.  
PP: That would be very useful.  
SS: ...Holy crap. It actually worked.  
SS: My Alchemiter now lets me just make things by punching in codes.  
SS: This is awesome!  
PP: Is there anything else that you could upgrade it with?  
PP: I’d check myself, but I don’t have access to that registry.  
SS: Oh, right. You haven’t connected to Tiffany yet.  
SS: Did you manage to get ahold of her?  
PP: Yes, I did.  
PP: When she connected to Greg, she noticed the meteor aimed at him.  
PP: She tried to grab it and redirect it, and her laptop caught fire.  
SS: Oh crap. Is she okay?  
PP: She is, but her laptop is utterly unusable. And it sounds like there are more meteors on their way.  
SS: CRUD!  
SS: What are we going to do?  
SS: We have to save her!  
PP: It took some convincing, but I was able to persuade her to try using her mother’s computer. I believe she’s downloading the game now.  
PP: She said she would give me a call when it was done.  
SS: Good.  
PP: Once she’s set up, I simply need to deploy the Cruxtruder, Totem Lathe, and Alchemiter, correct?  
PP: She can handle carving the Cruxore herself.  
SS: Apparently it’s called Cruxite. Or so Greg says.  
SS: I kind of want to keep calling it Cruxore just to spite him.  
SS: Plus it totally sounds better.  
PP: Steve, don’t be needlessly antagonistic.  
PP: And I happen to think Cruxite has a ring to it.  
SS: Ugh, whatever.  
SS: So Tiffany is definitely going to be okay?  
PP: Yes, I’m sure of it.  
SS: Good.  
PP: Now I’m afraid that I have urgent matters to solve.  
PP: My grandmother is missing.  
SS: She made it in with you?  
PP: Yes, I think so. She was in the house with me when it entered the Medium.  
SS: ...Oh. I’m glad to hear it.  
PP: ...Oh no.  
PP: Steve, was your mother home when you entered?  
SS: ...  
PP: Oh Steve. I’m so sorry.  
SS: Yeah.  
SS: I’m going to go see if I can do something with the upgraded Alchemiter.

\-- siliconSwashbuckler [SS] ceased badgering phaithfulPhysician [PP] \--


	31. Chapter 31

You study your PDA, keeping tabs on the progress of the Derse team. Apparently the Nestore girl has already found her sister. The other two have encountered obstacles, but that was something you planned for. An effective leader is always prepared for the unexpected.  
  
The team on Prospit is also facing difficulty, though in a far different manner. You can’t make many moves without encountering someone who insists on dropping and bowing at your feet. For anyone else this would be overwhelming, but an effective leader is never fazed. You’re quite used to inspiring awe anywhere you go.  
  
As you escape yet another worshipping crowd, you check the timetable again. Plenty of time before you need to reach your destination. The plan your strange informant gave you was impressively detailed – for an amateur – but you quickly made the necessary adjustments to solidify it before distributing it to your subordinates. PRIOR PLANNING PREVENTS POOR PERFORMANCE. With proper structure, you compiled a stratagem that leveraged your team’s strengths to efficiently complete your objective. As always, you adapted quickly to unknown circumstances and rose to the challenges of leadership; the Carsten name is and always will be synonymous with bold direction and confident decision-making.  
  
Your informant insisted that waking your son’s girlfriend first. Supposedly the knowledge she would gain would be invaluable and provide some sort of context to the rest of the ordeal. You quickly dismissed that notion; it would involve waiting for her arrival, which would be an inefficient use of time. As Ms. Nestore proved, you can reach the others quickly, and they all benefit from being awakened. Besides, your son is more than capable of processing the knowledge this procedure supposedly generates, and he can instruct the others on what needs to be done.  
  
By the clock, the older gentleman should have found his grandson by now. The plan laid out by the informant insisted that he be woken last, as his abilities most need the guidance that the others would provide. You were willing to go along with this, but the older man refused to cooperate. This is hardly the first time one of your plans has been waylaid by a loose cannon, and you were quickly able to adapt to accommodate his demands. An effective leader understands the importance of flexibility.  
  
You tuck your PDA into the pocket of your business suit. Now that you’ve reached the tower, you simply must wait until the final spire is lit.


	32. Chapter 32

SHONENSPRITE: SENSEEEEI!  
SHONENSPRITE: I FOUND THESE GUYS BEING PICKED ON BY A COUPLE OF JACKASSES  
SHONENSPRITE: SO I SET THEM STRAAAAAAIGHT!  
  
Your sprite finally came back. In the distance, you can see the wreckage of giant robots and enormous corpses. He’s escorting a trio of large wolves, all of which are walking on their back legs. As your sprite floats before them, he keeps giving menacing glares to dark corners and clenching his fists. The wolves themselves seem surprisingly meek, almost more like domesticated dogs than wild beasts.  
  
JAMES: Uh, okay.  
SHONENSPRITE: WE’VE GOT TO KEEP THEM SAAAAAFE!  
JAMES: Uh, why?  
SHONENSPRITE: SO THOSE JACKASSES CAN’T HURT THEM!  
SHONENSPRITE: IF SOMEONE TRIES TO HURT MY FRIENDS, I’LL KILL THEEEEM!  
JAMES: Dude, can you stop shouting?  
SHONENSPRITE: NO!  
  
You sigh and regard the wolves. They stare back at you with yellow eyes, seeming confused and afraid. Their paws lack claws, though they look more dexterous than a normal animal. One of them opens its mouth, letting a long tongue slip out between its teeth.  
  
JAMES: What are they?  
SHONENSPRITE: THEY’RE MY FRIEEEEENDS!  
SHONENSPRITE: AND THEY WANT TO BE YOUR FRIENDS TOO!  
JAMES: Uh, okay.  
SHONENSPRITE: THEY’RE REALLY IMPORTANT FOR YOUR PERSONAL QUEST!  
JAMES: My what?  
SHONENSPRITE: THOSE JACKASSES HAVE REALLY FUCKED THIS PLACE UUUUP!  
SHONENSPRITE: IT’S UP TO YOU AND I TO KICK SOME ASS AND FIX IT!  
JAMES: Wait, we have to fight those giant things?  
SHONENSPRITE: YES!  
SHONENSPRITE: THAT’S NOT YOUR QUEST, BUT WE STILL HAVE TO DOOOO IT!  
JAMES: Then what’s my quest?  
SHONENSPRITE: THEY ALL SERVE THE DENIZEN OF THIS WORLD!  
SHONENSPRITE: HE BUILDS THEM FROM THE SCRAP OF THE HOME OF MY FRIENDS!  
SHONENSPRITE: IF WE WANT TO CLEAN UP THIS WORLD, WE HAVE TO BUILD OUR OWN MACHINE TO DEFEAT HIM!  
SHONENSPRITE: ONE-ON-ONE COMBAT FOR THE FATE OF THE WOOORLD!  
JAMES: …You want to build a mecha to fight some sort of evil mastermind?  
SHONENSPRITE: IT’S OUR DESTINY! NO ONE ELSE CAN DO IT!  
JAMES: Uh… I can’t even build a model that doesn’t fall apart.  
SHONENSPRITE: YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!  
SHONENSPRITE: I BELIEVE IN YOOOOOU!  
  
This is fucked up.  
  
SHONENSPRITE: THERE IS A FOUNDRY WE CAN USE!  
SHONENSPRITE: WE’LL USE ALL THE SCRAP WE MAAAAKE!  
JAMES: Uh…  
JAMES: If you say so, dude.  
SHONENSPRITE: COME OOOON!  
SHONENSPRITE: LET’S KICK SOME ASS!  
  
If you’re going to fight giant robots, you’re probably going to need better gear. While the gloves you’ve made so far seem to be extremely strong, they probably aren’t enough to take on something that tough. You could use some help inventing something good.  
  
Unfortunately, Steve appears to be busy. You’re not going to try bothering Stephanie again.  
  
Well…  
  
He did offer to give you alchemy advice. And he’d be the one who would know how to build a giant mecha.  
  
\-- bebopBelter [BB] began badgering audaciousArchitect [AA] -–  
  
BB: uh  
BB: yo  
AA: James. This is a surprise.  
BB: yeah  
BB: hey can i ask you something  
AA: Is it important?  
BB: dunno  
BB: my sprite says i have to fight these giants  
BB: and i dont think my gloves are good enough  
AA: Really now.  
AA: I had hoped that at least one of you would be smart enough to realize that I should be directing our efforts.  
AA: But I must admit, you were at the bottom of that list.  
AA: I expected you to continue bumbling along until Steve bailed you out.  
  
Deep breaths. There’s no point in getting angry.  
  
AA: Well, at least you came to your senses.  
AA: As I requested, I’ll need a list of your available resources as well as the results of your previous alchemy attempts.  
BB: fine  
  
You make a list of the objects in your Sylladex and your room, and you include the couple of alchemies you made.  
  
AA: …Really?  
AA: This is it?  
BB: yeah  
BB: why  
AA: …Well. This is going to be a challenge.  
  
Deep, deep breaths. You won’t get angry. You refuse to get angry.  
  
BB: whats that supposed to mean  
AA: Nothing.  
BB: bullshit  
BB: your insulting my stuff  
AA: The dreck you chose to keep in your room is none of my concern.  
  
Deep-  
  
Fuck this.  
  
BB: okay fuck you  
BB: im not going to sit here and listen to you insult me  
BB: your a giant asshole  
BB: i dont know why anyone talks to you  
BB: fuck your stupid powerhungry ass  
BB: i dont need your fucking help  
BB: no one does  
BB: go  
BB: fuck  
BB: yourself  
  
\-- bebopBelter [BB] blocked audaciousArchitect [AA] \--  
  
Fuck that asshole! He’s the biggest dick you’ve ever met! Why doesn’t he come and say that shit to your face? You’ll beat the fucking smirk off his goddamn face and shut your fist so far down his throat he’ll shit out fingernails! If you could go back and leave him to get his fucking ass crushed by meteors, you goddamn would!  
  
You can feel your blood pressure skyrocketing. All the calming techniques your granddad taught you have quietly left your head. The ordinary apathy you use as a mask evaporates, leaving the seething rage that always sits just behind your thoughts.  
  
You don’t need his fucking help. If a douchebag like him can figure out how to make a robot, you can make one a million times better.  
  
Right now you really need to punch something.  
  
JAMES: Hey spiky asshole.  
SHONENSPRITE: SENSEEEEEI!  
JAMES: Let’s go fuck up some giants.


	33. Chapter 33

\-- equineEngineer [EE] began badgering phaithfulPhysician [PP] –-  
  
EE: liz!  
PP: Tiffany! Are you ready?  
EE: liz my house is on fire!  
PP: Oh no.  
PP: Are you safe?  
EE: no!  
EE: MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE!  
PP: Okay. We’ll get you to safety.  
EE: HOW?!  
EE: greg was crushed by a meteor and my laptop exploded and now my house is on fire and there are meteors everywhere!  
EE: i dont know what to do!  
EE: i dont want to die!  
PP: It will be okay, Tiff. I’m going to rescue you, but I need your cooperation.  
EE: i dont understand! how is this stupid game going to help?  
PP: I don’t really understand either. But it does.  
PP: Greg and Steve are working on figuring out how this works. And they’re both waiting for you, worrying out of their minds.  
PP: We’ll get through this. Together.  
EE: …okay  
EE: what do i do?  
PP: I’ll walk you through it. Just keep calm.  
EE: umm  
PP: Right. House on fire.  
PP: Don’t panic more than you must.


	34. Chapter 34

You straighten your bomber jacket and shake the blood off your shoes. Even for a behemoth that size, he sure bled a lot. The fight was quite the spectacle; the rest of the black-carapaced Dersites are cowering in the shadows. All the better – you don’t have time to clobber everyone and everything in your way. The bossy pencil-pusher said that your grandson was in danger, and you’re not going to leave him there.  
  
All the anger and adrenaline from the strife washes away through your practiced meditative techniques. The men of your family have always been hot-blooded, and you’ve had to learn to cope. You taught your grandson these ancient wisdoms, but you’re afraid they didn’t quite stick. He seems to mask his rage rather than quashing it, setting him up for violent outbursts. His smart young friend has helped him, but in extreme circumstances such as these, you’re worried that he’ll completely blow his top.  
  
You kick open the door to his tower. As you stomp up the stairs to the top, you can peek out through slits to see the rest of Derse. There’s some sort of hubbub at the palace – no doubt part of the control freak’s plan. Thankfully, the ones he sent here seemed capable of handling themselves. Ms. Garrison studied at the same dojo as her son, and the other two women seemed smart enough to keep their heads down. You won’t have to worry about them.  
  
When you reach the top floor, you ease the door open. It’s a perfect replica of your grandson’s room, down to the strange writings he put on the walls. You always encouraged his creativity, so you’ve let him decorate his space however he sees fit. Sure enough, right there on the bed, he’s asleep in Derse attire.  
  
The pencil-pusher’s informant claimed that it was important that none of the Heroes see their Guardians when they wake. You trust that pale freak as far as you could throw…  
  
No, that wouldn’t be hard.  
  
You trust him as far as he can throw you.  
  
Carefully, you creep over to him and shake him gently.  
  
JAMES: Nnnnn…  
JAMES: Granddad?  
GRANDDAD: Hey, slugger. Do you know where you are?  
JAMES: I…  
JAMES: I’m on Derse.  
JAMES: How do I know that?  
GRANDDAD: I can’t right say. But you can’t stay here.  
JAMES: I… okay.  
  
Something huge and heavy slams into the door. Seems like you’re being called for round two.  
  
GRANDDAD: Aw hell.  
JAMES: Woah! What the fuck is that?  
GRANDDAD: Something bad.  
GRANDDAD: Listen, bud, I need to talk to you fast before I deal with this.  
GRANDDAD: The pale guy said you could get out of here on your own. Was he lying?  
JAMES: Pale guy?  
GRANDDAD: Focus, James.  
JAMES: I… woah. I can fucking fly.  
GRANDDAD: Atta boy. Now listen up and listen good.  
GRANDDAD: I know this is all real frustrating. Trying to figure out where you are and what you have to do. It’d drive a lesser man bonkers.  
GRANDDAD: But you’re better than that. Keep control. Don’t lose focus.  
GRANDDAD: And don’t say anything you can’t take back, hear?  
GRANDDAD: You can’t do this alone.  
JAMES: …  
GRANDDAD: I know you’ll be fine. Make me proud, kiddo.  
GRANDDAD: Now get going!  
  
You give him a shove toward the window, and he stumbles through it.  
  
The door bursts off its hinges, and the juggernaut stomps in. He looks at you through his good eye with murder on his mind.  
  
You crack your knuckles.


	35. Chapter 35

The LAND OF SALTS AND SONANCE is beautiful. Endless meadows stretch in every direction, dotted with posies and lined with occasional fences. A pleasant breeze ruffles your hair, and you hear the hundreds of wind chimes that dangle off the fences dance in the breeze. Around the place your house landed are mounds of crystalline powders. You smile as you try to identify them by their color – yellow piles of sodium chromate, bright orange potassium dichromate, and brilliant blue cupric sulfate.  
  
As you take in your surroundings, Steedsprite floats over to the nearest white pile and starts lapping it up. You giggle and run your hand through her ethereal mane.  
  
Panicked whinnies behind you spin you around. A pair of SEED IMPS are standing around a large hole in the ground, kicking dirt into it. They’re really hideous now – long faces with circle glasses and stubble, four arms, spiky hair, and lacy corsets wrapped around their midsections. You take a moment to be skeezed out before charging in for a strife.  
  
Nothing can ever hope to stand up to your Cropkind Specibus. You wield blunt instruments with zeal and skill, and sure enough, the two imps are quickly dispatched.  
  
As Steedsprite sniffs the fallen grist, you peer into the hole. A long, thin nose tipped with whiskers pokes out, twitching before ducking back in. You scoop up the spoils of your victory and sit back to wait. After a few minutes of quiet patience, a giant mole pops its head out and sniffs the air.  
  
Gingerly, you offer out your hand for it to smell. You certainly don’t mean it any harm.  
  
Suddenly, you fall asleep.


	36. Chapter 36

  
JACK: Ook?  
STEVE: Yes, see. You take the coconut and set it-  
JACK: Ook!  
STEVE: Ow! No! Bad monkey!  
  
Your attempts to civilize these damn dirty apes have failed spectacularly. Liz insists that as consorts, they worship you. If this is worship, you’d hate to see loathing.  
  
ACTIONSPRITE: THAT’S THE SECOND BIGGEST MONKEY HEAD I’VE EVER SEEN  
STEVE: Oh dear god you’re back.  
STEVE: I’m going to go bash my head into unconsciousness.  
ACTIONSPRITE: CAN’T LET YOU DO THAT STEVE FOX  
STEVE: …Even James wouldn’t stoop that low.  
ACTIONSPRITE: I’M NOT SORRY  
STEVE: You’re supposed to be my guide, right? Give me advice!  
ACTIONSPRITE: TALK TO EVERYONE  
STEVE: Useful advice.  
ACTIONSPRITE: DODONGO DISLIKES SMOKE  
STEVE: Advice useful to me here and now!  
ACTIONSPRITE: NEVER PAY MORE THAN 20 BUCKS FOR A COMPUTER GAME  
STEVE: Stop bothering me and get back to exploring the other islands. There has to be something out there.  
ACTIONSPRITE: THERE IS  
ACTIONSPRITE: YOU HAVE A NEW QUEST  
  
You pointedly refuse to turn to face him. You just know he’s managed to materialize an exclamation mark over his head.  
  
STEVE: If you ask to me to collect ten of something, I am going to jam this staff up your-  
ACTIONSPRITE: NO  
ACTIONSPRITE: IT IS YOUR PERSONAL QUEST  
ACTIONSPRITE: AS ONE OF THE SIX HEROES  
ACTIONSPRITE: IN ORDER TO REACH YOUR FULL POTENTIAL  
STEVE: Wait, you have actual information about the game to give me?  
ACTIONSPRITE: THIS PLANET HOLDS A TERRIBLE SECRET  
ACTIONSPRITE: A GREAT TREASURE  
ACTIONSPRITE: AND A DEADLY CURSE  
STEVE: All three at the same time?  
ACTIONSPRITE: YES  
ACTIONSPRITE: AS A PAGE, YOU HAVE INCREDIBLE UNTAPPED POWER  
ACTIONSPRITE: YOU MUST SAIL ACROSS THESE SEAS AND FIND THIS SECRET CURSED TREASURE  
STEVE: I’m a what now?  
ACTIONSPRITE: DO YOU WANT ME TO REPEAT THAT?  
-> YES  
NO  
STEVE: Yeah, I want you to explain what you just said.  
ACTIONSPRITE: IT IS YOUR PERSONAL QUEST  
ACTIONSPRITE: AS ONE OF THE SIX HEROES  
ACTIONSPRITE: IN ORDER TO REACH YOUR FULL POTENTIAL  
  
You tune him out.  
  
So you’re a page? Like from a book? Or like one of those medieval dudes?  
  
Maybe one of your friends knows something about this. They all seem to have sprites that aren’t intolerably annoying.  
  
That’s weird. You know Tiffany just entered the game (thank goodness), but her BadgerBud is set to busy. So are James and Stephanie. Even Greg and Liz are unavailable.  
  
Everyone made sure to have portable computing devices to stay in constant communication. What could they be doing?  
  
A sudden strike in your mind drops you to your knees. As you close your eyes, you see your stupid sprite clutching his head over you.  
  
ACTIONSPRITE: STEVE?  
ACTIONSPRITE: STEVE!  
ACTIONSPRITE: STEEEEEEVE!  
  
You sit up on your bed.  
  
Your eyes meet a wonderfully familiar pair.  
  
STEVE: …Mom?


	37. Chapter 37

You finish climbing back down the stairs and exit the tower. A glance at your PDA tells you that you’re ahead of schedule. The others likely stayed to check on the ones they woke, but you didn’t see the need. She’ll receive all the necessary information when she wakes, if your informant is correct. Your only obligation, then, was to ensure that she woke. If her mother wants to speak with her, she’s welcome to do so once her part in the plan is complete. There’s still more to be done before they’re safe, and you refuse to stop until see to it all.  
  
You open AdultAffairs to check on the progress of your team.  
  
You have a message. As always, you take a moment to highlight the text.  
  
\-- anonymousAdvisor [AA] attempted to address efficiencyExpert [EE] –  
  
AA: I see the job is done.  
EE: Yes.  
AA: They would have had an easier time had you done as I instructed.  
EE: They did as well as expected. They didn’t need an easier time.  
AA: It wasn’t your allies of whom I was speaking.  
AA: But nevertheless, your part in this is nearly over.  
EE: I’ll decide that.  
AA: I’m afraid you don’t have any choice in the matter.  
EE: Are you threatening me?  
AA: Not at all. I am merely stating a fact.  
AA: The rest falls to your son and his friends.  
AA: Please keep yourself safe. It will cause him incredible strain when you’re hurt.  
EE: You are threatening me.  
AA: Again, I am merely stating a fact.  
AA: We will not talk again.  
AA: Best of luck, Mister Carsten.  
EE: I don’t believe in luck.  
AA: How amusing.  
AA: Neither do I.  
  
\-- anonymousAdvisor [AA] announced an adieu to efficiencyExpert [EE] \--


	38. Chapter 38

You close the door to your son’s room and wipe away a tear. He’s going to do just fine.  
  
\-- mathMatriarch [MM] activates an assembly --  
\-- efficiencyExpert [EE] attends –-  
\-- bombasticBuff [BB] attends –-  
\-- sneakySage [SS] attends –-  
  
MM: okay, i’m done.  
EE: Excellent. That completes our task.  
EE: I had to dismiss our help. I no longer trust his motives.  
BB: i suppose that means no more teleportation  
EE: No. We’ll need to find our own way to travel between Prospit and Derse.  
SS: crud  
SS: i was thinking we need to get my sis off derse  
SS: its too dangerous here  
BB: agreed  
BB: they grow em damn big here  
EE: This will be a character-building experience. They need to learn to handle the pressures presented them if they’re going to succeed. Coddling them will do only harm.  
MM: there’s a big difference between being overprotective and being negligent  
MM: we can’t throw them to the wolves  
BB: im sure as hell not just leaving them alone  
SS: can we at least watch over them?  
EE: You are welcome to do as you please. Our business is concluded.  
MM: wait  
MM: suppose we turn the problem around  
SS: what do you mean?  
MM: we want to keep the kids on derse safe  
MM: but we know that they have something they have to do there  
MM: so let’s tackle it from the other end  
MM: we make derse safer  
BB: and how in the hell do we do that  
MM: our advisor told us about the archagents running derse  
MM: we’ll take them out of the picture  
MM; i already ran into their vice-commander  
BB: and i pulped the big one  
MM: we'll find the leader  
MM: and the kids only have to defeat the king  
MM: we're completely free to topple the queen  
EE: That’s quite the bold initiative. How do you intend to do that?  
MM: it’ll require careful planning  
MM: precise execution  
EE: Yes, yes. You can skip the flattery.  
EE: I see the logic in your plan. I suppose I’ll draw up a stratagem.  
SS: okay  
SS: gramps  
SS: you and me are still here on derse  
BB: aye  
BB: well play bull in a china shop then  
SS: you know it  
MM: i’ll find ms. marek and ms. orrin  
EE: Then we meet again in two hours.  
SS: sounds good  
BB: agreed  
  
\-- sneakySage [SS] aborted the assembly –-  
\-- bombasticBuff [BB] aborted the assembly –-  
\-- efficiencyExpert [EE] aborted the assembly –-


	39. Chapter 39

You wake back in the Land of Salts and Sonance without your usual cheer. Two burdens lay now on your shoulders. Your awakening on Prospit instilled in you all the knowledge due you in your role as a Seer. You see – in a sense beyond your mere physical eyes – the constructs of the game, and the infinite worlds beside you just out of reach. It is a terrible burden you’ve been dealt, to see every doomed timeline and know where and why they went wrong. If you so choose, you might be able to contact all those doomed Tiffanies and Gregs and Elizabeths and Steves, but you would never be able to save them.  
  
More importantly, though, your mom wasn’t there to wake you up.  
  
You only caught the door of your room closing when you sat up in your bed in your tower on Prospit. After you got your bearings, you flew around a bit. The other two Prospit dreamers’ rooms weren’t far away, so you wandered over. Liz was already gone from hers, but Steve was there. You didn’t want to intrude on his reunion with his mom, though; Liz had said that he was worried about her. The figure wandering the streets looked like Greg’s dad, so you’re pretty sure he’s okay.  
  
But your mom wasn’t there.  
  
You head back into your house and up to your computer. Hopefully one of your friends knows something.  
  
\-- equineEngineer [EE] began badgering siliconSwashbuckler [SS] -–  
  
EE: steve?  
SS: Tiffany! You made it!  
SS: I am so glad to hear from you.  
EE: im glad youre okay too! :)  
SS: Are you ready to get started?  
EE: not yet  
EE: i saw you on prospit  
SS: Oh, your dreamself is there too?  
SS: That’s cool!  
EE: im glad your mom is okay  
SS: Me too.  
SS: I was sure that I had lost her back there.  
SS: But apparently some weird guy saved all our parents so they could wake us up.  
EE: my mom too  
EE: ?  
SS: Yeah. Didn’t she wake you?  
EE: no  
EE: i didnt see who it was but i think it was gregs dad  
SS: Eeek.  
SS: He scares me.  
EE: me too X(  
SS: My mom said all our parents made it.  
EE: phew  
SS: I guess we should get started. I know I’m not your server, but I can still give you some advice.  
EE: thanks steve!  
SS: No problem. Did Liz deploy all the machines for you?  
EE: yea  
EE: and i got a bunch of grist when i saved that mole  
SS: You have moles on your planet?  
SS: Man, everybody has great consorts except me.  
EE: oh steve ;)  
SS: Go ahead and try some alchemy.  
  
You know that if you concentrated, you could see all the other yous’ alchemy attempts, and you could see which ones work and which ones wouldn’t. Instead, you shake your head and clear your thoughts. It’ll be more fun if you don’t know what’s coming.  
  
Obviously to start you’re going to need adventuring clothing.  
  
Lab Gloves && Horseback Attire = CHEMIST’S CHAPS  
  
The pair of riding pants you created are made of a material you don’t recognize – it’s elastic without tearing, and it has enough friction to keep you from sliding off the saddle. On the waistband are warning labels informing you that the pants are shielded from alpha, beta, and gamma radiation, insulated against heat and electricity, and resist corrosion. Gleefully you slip them on.  
  
Lab Gloves || Horse Calendar = LUSTROUS LAB COAT  
  
Your new coat is made of horse hair; it’s silky smooth, like snuggling up to Marie and wrapping her around yourself. The same warning labels cover the inside of the coat, rather than marring the gorgeous exterior.  
  
Okay, these clothes are practical, but you need something with more pizzazz.  
  
Chemistry Set && Homecoming Dress = ELEMENTAL EVENINGWEAR  
  
The ball gown is the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen. It shimmers a brilliant orange, as though it’s made entirely of sequins. On the shoulder is stitched a small square with the letter H in it. You tap it a few more times. As you scroll through the elements, the dress changes color to match the flame produced when burning that element. You stop at Barium, leaving the dress a muted green. At some point you have to find the time to wear this and strut your stuff. The neckline is just low enough to drive Greg crazy.  
  
Steedsprite nuzzles up to you and snorts. In the distance you can see a herd frightened about something. That’s right; if you’re going to keep dealing with imps, you should probably make something to defend yourself.  
  
Riding Crop && Mortar / Pestle = CROP DUSTER  
  
Your crop is now a hard white ceramic. As you swing it, little flakes sprinkle off it.  
  
Blech. You need something way better than that.  
  
Crop Duster || Chemistry Set = TOXIC TRUNCHEON  
  
Now your crop looks normal – aside from glowing a bright green. You draw a pair of matching gloves from your new coat and pick it up. When you swing it, you accidentally hit the lamp over your bed. Within seconds it dissolves into a puddle of goo.  
  
Yeesh. You should leave this in your Strife Specibus.  
  
EE: im back!  
SS: Did you make anything cool?  
EE: i made a bunch of new clothes!  
EE: and the hottest dress! :O  
SS: Oh man. I hope I get to see it.  
EE: maybe!  
EE: oh! gregs back!  
EE: im going to go see if he needs my server stuff  
SS: Oh, okay.  
SS: Be careful, Tiffany.  
EE: you too steve!  
  
\-- equineEngineer [EE] ceased badgering siliconSwashbuckler [SS] \--


	40. Chapter 40

  
\-- siliconSwashbucker [SS] began badgering intenseImpressionist [II] -–  
  
SS: Steph?  
SS: Are you okay?  
SS: You’ve been away for a while. I’m kind of worried.  
SS: Please answer.  
  
You perk up. The pile of panthers you’re lying in gives a few dozy murmurs. They found you huddled against one of the many mirrors around your house and dropped into your lap, looking for attention. You’ve been scratching the ears of one for quite some time now.  
  
II: Im here  
SS: Good. Everything okay?  
II: I guess  
SS: Do you want to talk about it?  
II: not really  
SS: Can I help?  
II: I dunno  
II: let me get up  
  
You disentangle yourself from the cat pile, drawing a few grumpy complaints. The panther you were scratching gets up to follow you.  
  
II: okay  
II: what do I have to do  
SS: You sure you’re okay?  
II: Ill live  
SS: Okay. If you want to be alone, I’ll understand.  
II: no  
II: we have to play this game right  
II: lets get started  
  
You slip off the Vanishing Veil and brandish your Chromatic Cleaver. Red seems like a good color.  
  
SS: I guess we should start by seeing if we can get you more grist.  
II: okay  
SS: Have you run into any imps?  
II: a couple  
II: Ill see if I can find more  
  
Sure enough, you spot a few misshapen monstrosities in the shadows. Drawing up your courage, you charge.  
  
Your hand moves into position, and you make swift, bold strokes. Two small notches, then two long that intersect.  
  
火  
  
Hi – fire.  
  
A brilliant red spark consumes the imp, and it burns down to a pile of grist.  
  
You turn to the next. Down, an angle to the left, two strokes to the right.  
  
水  
  
Mizu, for water.  
  
A spray of scalding steam blasts the imp in the face. Its face turns a painful red, and it flips the fuck out.  
  
You think for a moment, then switch your brush to blue and try the same strokes again. This time, a powerful jet of water slams the imp into a mirror, where it pops.  
  
SS: Steph…  
SS: That is the COOLEST THING EVER!  
SS: I thought my staff was good, but that’s probably the best weapon anyone could create!  
II: you really think so  
SS: Totally!  
SS: I’d bet that’s only limited by your imagination and your knowledge of kanji, and nobody’s better at either of those than you.  
II: thanks  
  
You can’t help but smile. You’re starting to feel better already.  
  
SS: We should get you a lot more grist.  
SS: Then we can upgrade your Alchemiter.  
SS: In fact, I bet you’d be better at deciding how to use our grist than Greg ever would.  
II: okay  
II: I need to find more imps I guess  
SS: Hang on. James is bugging me about something.  
  
You start fiddling with your brush, trying different combinations. Yellow and 光線 (ray) gives you a blinding beam of light. 空気 (air) and black produces a cloud of inky darkness.  
  
SS: Okay, this is cool.  
II: what is it  
SS: There’s a CD that’s part of the Registry with a weird program on it.  
SS: I’m going to deploy it.  
  
The cursor pops into view and leaves a disk in front of you. Perplexed, you turn the Illustrator’s Interface over in your hands. There isn’t exactly a CD slot on your pen. You click the nub at the end, and a laser shoots out. With a shrug, you run it over the back of the disk.  
  
II: whats slopbox  
SS: Apparently it stores our stuff. I moved all the grist I won there, along with some of my dumber alchemy attempts.  
SS: You should be able to take it out and use it.  
  
Sure enough, you move a bunch of grist into your own cache.  
  
II: what now  
SS: Well, if I understand things right, we have to start building. You see the gate over your head?  
II: yeah  
SS: We have to build our way up to them in order to progress on our personal quests.  
II: my what  
SS: Oh, your sprite hasn’t told you?  
SS: You’ll have to ask her about it.  
II: I guess  
SS: Mine is to find this big treasure. I’m guessing the gate will lead me to a ship or a map or something.  
II: I guess I have to find out mine  
SS: Okay. I’ll get to work building up your house.  
  
\-- siliconSwashbuckler [SS] ceased badgering intenseImpressionist [II] \--  
  
Your mood sours as your hideous sprite floats over. She was smart enough to stay away while you were moping, but you’ve got to deal with her now.  
  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ Hee! ♥  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ Did you hear what he said! ♥  
STEPHANIE: Shh! Keep it down! He’ll hear!  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ Hee! Okay! ♥  
STEPHANIE: So do you know what this personal quest thing is?  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ Of course! ♥  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ We’re going to brighten this place up! ♥  
STEPHANIE: …What?  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ All of these mirrors are connected! Like you and me! And Steve! ♥  
STEPHANIE: No. We’re not.  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ Hee! If you say so! ♥  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ There’s a special mirror somewhere! ♥  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ If we shine a light on it, it’ll bounce all over the world! ♥  
STEPHANIE: Where is it?  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ I don’t know! ♥  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ But if you and Steve work together, I know you can do it! ♥  
  
You shoo the sprite away. Glancing up, you can see that Steve has already extended your house up several stories. Your grist cache is starting to hurt, though, and you don’t want to keep taking some from him. He needs to see that you can take care of yourself.  
  
Whipping out the Cleaver again, you charge at a group of Imps mesmerized by your rapidly growing house. Time to try something.  
  
Purple.  
  
愛  
  
Ai – love.  
  
The nearest imp turns to you, starstruck.  
  
NO.  
  
FUCK NO.  
  
HELL. FUCKING. NO.  
  
The imp plants a sloppy wet kiss on your lips.


	41. Chapter 41

— equineEngineer [EE] began badgering audaciousArchitect [AA] -–

EE: greg!  
AA: Tiffany. I’m glad to see you.  
EE: im glad to see you too! ;)  
AA: How are you acclimating to all of this?  
EE: its kind of weird  
EE: but this place is so cool!  
AA: I assume you’re ready to start toward our goal.  
EE: yep!  
EE: …uh  
EE: what goal is that?  
AA: First, we need to build up to the gate over my house.  
AA: I’ve already obtained plenty of grist.  
EE: woah! :O  
EE: you’ve really been busy  
AA: Just waiting for you, my dear.  
EE: gimme a sec to figure out how to build

While she fiddles with your house, you take a moment to catch up on the rest of the BadgerBud messages you received while you were busy. Apparently Steve and James discovered another piece of the Phernalia Registry.

AA: Tiffany.  
EE: hmm?  
AA: There should be a CD in the Registry. Deploy it for me.  
EE: okay

The CD slot on your armor opens, and you slide it in. With the infinite processing power of the most advanced clothing of the future, you have it installed almost instantly. You look at your team’s shared storage. Steve has cluttered it with grist and…

Tsk tsk. Really, Steve? Showing off these abject failures? This just makes him look like an immature idiot.

He has so much more potential than he shows. You want him to succeed – you really do – but he keeps holding himself back. He never had someone to push him before, not like you did. His jealousy is a double-edged sword; he really should be man enough to ignore how great you are and focus on himself, but his self-imposed rivalry has driven him to grow. If he had the confidence due someone of his intellect, the girls would be all over him. Still, if he needs you to serve as both goal and inspiration, you’ll do it. You make a mental note to chide him for displaying his failures so openly. A SMOOTH OPERATOR needs to watch his appearances.

EE: okay greg!  
EE: i made all the way up!

She made a series of floors, supported by white columns and connected by staircases, stacked up to reach the gate. You start your climb.

EE: :O !!!  
EE: greg!  
EE: youve got trouble!

The ground rumbles, and you see a massive swarm of Steel Imps charging at your house. Not a problem – earning enough grist to build up this high shot you up your Echeladder to AUGMENTED ADEPT. The imps charge up the stairs, flailing each of their four arms in wild swings.

You never asked for this, but you’ll sure as shit take it.

SLICE!

Your Hidden Chainblade whips out of your gauntlet, beheading three imps with one slash. The rest pause and look amongst each other. Eventually, they push one forward, and it raises its arms sheepishly. You lunge, carving it in two.

The remaining imps scramble over each other to get back down the stairs.  
As you smirk, an enormous hand grabs onto the floor. The TITANIUM OGRE pulls itself up and snarls at you.

Pistons on your legs give you extra push as you dash forward, drawing your blade across its ankles. The teeth tear into its silver hide, and it howls as it drops to its knees. You leap up, slicing through its neck. As you land, you’re showered in grist. The Chainblade slides back into your armor with a flick of your wrist, and you brush your hair out of your face with your other hand.

SMOOTH.

OPERATOR.

EE: :O greg…  
EE: THAT WAS THE COOLEST THING EVER!!!  
AA: Hardly. It wasn’t even a challenge.  
EE: ;O  
AA: Do you see any more?  
EE: i dont think so  
EE: theyre all running away

All too easy. You make your way to the top of your house. One final staircase leads up to the gate.

EE: wait!  
EE: do you know what happens when you go through that?  
AA: No. Only that it’s where I need to go.  
EE: are you sure?  
EE: we just got back together  
EE: i dont want to lose you again ;(  
AA: Don’t worry.  
AA: There’s nothing through there that I can’t handle.  
AA: Especially if you’re helping me.  
EE: okay  
EE: i trust you

You know she can still see you, so you look up, kiss your fingers, and hold them up. Then you walk into the gate.


	42. Chapter 42

  
\-- bebopBelter [BB] began badgering intenseImpressionist [II] -–  
  
BB: bojangles  
II: what  
BB: your not getting a tip  
II: huh  
BB: cause i need some service here  
II: oh  
II: what do you need  
BB: whatever a servers supposed to do  
BB: steve says you like build my house or something  
II: oh  
II: yeah I guess I can  
II: do you have grist  
BB: my grist cache is fatter than gregs head  
II: okay  
  
While she starts, you turn back to what you were doing. Your sprite managed to take down a giant mecha (how he did that you still don’t know, but you suspect by yelling), and you’re trying to see how all the pieces fit together. The wolves are helping, sniffing around and sorting with their dexterous paws. You’re getting flashbacks to the Lagann Incident. The smell of glue still makes you cringe, and you never did find all the pieces.  
  
BB: woah  
II: huh  
BB: you changed my house  
II: yeah  
II: easier to build this way  
BB: is that sukiya style  
II: yeah  
BB: awesome  
BB: looks like something out of niigata  
II: its based on the katsura imperial villa  
BB: badass  
  
It occurs to you that you don’t actually know all that much about your server. You really know her through Steve; he’s kind of always been the glue that holds all of you together.  
  
BB: hey steph  
BB: whats your favorite anime  
II: fma  
II: but the manga is better  
BB: yeah  
BB: way better pacing  
BB: and the fuckin foreshadowing  
BB: like call backs to the first fuckin chapters  
II: arakawa-san is a great writer  
BB: fuck yeah  
II: hey  
II: you use glovekind right  
BB: yeah  
BB: probably need a new one soon  
BB: i gotta fight all these mecha  
II: maybe you can make an automail arm  
BB: shit  
BB: thats a fuckin great idea  
  
You head back inside and start rummaging around. At times like this you wish you had a better organizational system, but you tend to sort your possessions into kickass shows and everything else. Since you only watch kickass shows, this poses a rather large problem. Finally, you find what you were looking for and head over to the Alchemiter.  
  
DVD && Glove = FULLMETAL FINGERGUARD  
  
You flex, feeling the steel shift to match your movements. Tiny plates overlap to let your wrist move, and you throw an experimental punch. When you turn your arm over, you can see a small keypad and display on the underside. You play with it for a moment. The display has room for eight letters or numbers. Time for a test.  
  
asspizza  
  
Hehe. Classic.  
  
You move to head back outside, but your foot catches on something and you lose your balance. To steady yourself, you grab the nightstand.  
  
Your fingers are covered in cheese when you lift them. A chunk of grist was removed from your cache, and the top of your nightstand has been converted into a large deep-dish pizza – one with a crack down the middle. Confused, you captchalog it. You turn the card over. Sure enough, on the back – “asspizza”.  
  
Dear god.  
  
You have created the greatest thing ever.  
  
II: hey  
BB: holy shit  
BB: this glove  
BB: i think i can make anything  
II: Im almost out of grist and I havent reached the gate  
II: Im going to take some from our slopbox  
BB: wait  
BB: can you sell the alchemiter and that other shit  
II: I dunno  
II: why  
BB: i dont need it anymore  
BB: this fucking glove  
II: uh  
II: I think thats a bad idea  
BB: nah  
BB: im telling you  
  
You plug in the code for your Moonwalker’s Mitt and touch a busted old headset, turning it into a spare glove.  
  
BB: i got this  
II: okay  
II: if youre sure  
  
The cursor pops in over your head and lifts the Alchemiter. It disappears, and your grist cache swells.  
  
II: huh  
II: I didnt think that would work  
II: well thats enough  
II: Ill finish  
BB: sweet  
BB: im gonna go exchange some equivalence on some fucking giants  
  
\-- bebopBelter [BB] ceased badgering intenseImpressionist [II] \--


	43. Chapter 43

Rrrrrg!  
  
\-- siliconSwashbuckler [SS] began badgering bebopBelter [BB] -–  
  
SS: I’m going to kill Greg. You in?  
BB: hell yeah  
BB: whatd he do now  
SS: I asked him to build my house so I could reach my gate.  
SS: And all he did was give me a fricking ladder!  
SS: Yeah, I’d love to climb a ladder 50 stories into the air with nothing to stop me from falling to my death.  
SS: That sounds great!  
BB: what a fucking asshole  
SS: Seriously.  
BB: did you make it thru your gate  
SS: After like 30 panic attacks, yeah.  
BB: whered it take you  
BB: i havent gone thru mine yet  
BB: been busy using my badass new glove  
BB: im a real dog of the military now  
SS: Oh god. You made an automail hand?  
BB: that does alchemy  
BB: its fucking awesome  
SS: You are such a dork.  
BB: look whos talking  
BB: your king of the dorks  
BB: you know dork means whale penis right  
BB: your the biggest whale boner  
BB: a giant moby dick  
SS: So anyway.  
SS: I made it through my gate.  
SS: And it just took me to some different island.  
SS: And more stupid coconut throwing monkeys.  
BB: but i thought you liked monkey island  
SS: …  
  
\-- siliconSwashbuckler [SS] blocked bebopBelter [BB] -–  
  
\-- siliconSwashbuckler [SS] unblocked bebopBelter [BB] -–  
  
BB: fucking rofl  
SS: So what are you actually doing?  
BB: getting ready to fight a mecha  
BB: thats my quest  
BB: build a giant robot and fight a huge monster  
BB: fucking badass  
SS: Yeah, good luck with that.  
SS: Ow! Monkeys! Catch you later.  
  
\-- siliconSwashbuckler [SS] ceased badgering bebopBelter [BB] \--  
  
Okay, you know they can talk. Back on your home island you had a few conversations with Jack (granted, they consisted heavily of the word ‘ook’ but they still counted). They just choose to communicate by throwing things at you. There’s probably some stupid subtle language in the angle of the toss and the velocity of the rebound and something dumb like that.  
  
STEVE: AAAAAAAAUGH!  
STEVE: MONKEYS!  
DIDDY: Ook?  
STEVE: Don’t you ook at me!  
STEVE: I know you can talk.  
CRANKY: Want banana.  
STEVE: No!  
STEVE: No bananas until you help me!  
CRANKY: Want.  
STEVE: Too bad.  
STEVE: I have a treasure to find and more gates to reach, and I’m not doing this alone.  
ACTIONSPRITE: YOUR REPUTATION WITH THIS FACTION IS TOO LOW  
STEVE: …Just shoot me now.  
  
You make a saving throw against insanity and face your sprite. Somehow he found a tropical drink that looks really good right now. It’s been too long since you had something in your stomach.  
  
STEVE: I was really hoping I’d left you behind when I went through the gate.  
ACTIONSPRITE: YOUR PARTY MUST INCLUDE THIS MEMBER FOR THIS QUEST  
STEVE: Ugh. Can you at least do something to help me?  
ACTIONSPRITE: NOT ENOUGH MP  
STEVE: After I kill Greg, I’m coming for you next.  
ANDROSS: Ook?  
STEVE: Then you. All of you.  
ACTIONSPRITE: YOU’VE MET WITH A TERRIBLE FATE, HAVEN’T YOU?  
  
You pointedly ignore him and look around. The island the gate lead you to is larger than any of the ones you’d seen from your house. In fact, now that you think about it, you can’t see your house at all. That’s kind of a problem. The Alchemiter is there, along with your fridge.  
  
STEVE: Okay, Nathan Fake, tell me this. Is there a way for me to get back to my house? And if you say anything about a Scroll of Town Portal, I’m going to shove your head underwater until the bubbles stop.  
ACTIONSPRITE: YOU’RE NO FUN  
ACTIONSPRITE: THERE IS A RETURN GATE ON THIS ISLAND  
ACTIONSPRITE: YOU CAN USE IT TO TRAVEL BACK AND FORTH  
STEVE: Finally! Useful information!  
  
You resolve to set out to find this gate and get yourself a snack.  
  
Suddenly, a message pops up on your BadgerBud.  
  
\-- anonymousAdvisor [AA] began badgering siliconSwashbuckler [SS] -–  
  
AA: Hello, Mister Garrison.  
  
That’s… weird. You fumble with your iPatch before figuring out how to highlight text.  
  
\-- anonymousAdvisor [AA] began badgering siliconSwashbuckler [SS] -–  
  
AA: Hello, Mister Garrison.  
SS: Uh, hello? Do I know you?  
AA: You do not yet. I am a colleague of your mother.  
SS: Oh. Hi, I guess.  
AA: I am also here to help you on your quest.  
SS: You know about this?  
AA: Yes. I also know that you have received little in the way of potent instruction.  
SS: Yeah, my stupid sprite is probably the worst guide anyone could have.  
AA: Indeed. Which is why I’m offering my services.  
AA: Consider me your guardian angel, here to keep you from wandering astray.  
SS: Okay, I guess. What am I supposed to be doing?  
AA: You are searching for a treasure. Attempting to comb every square inch of all of these islands would be a foolish waste of time.  
AA: I will lead you directly there. You can lay claim to your prize immediately.  
SS: Okay, I’m cool with sequence breaking.  
AA: Good. It’s a pleasure to be working with you, Mister Garrison.


	44. Chapter 44

This is the strangest thing you’ve seen in a long time. It’s as though someone decided to design a man-made volcano. The surface is polished to a mirror sheen, with temperature and pressure gages at regular intervals. Reinforced tubes run down the face into the floor, presumably to transport magma to safe containment. You can see bolts where the individual plates that make up the structure meet.  
  
It would be a lot more impressive if it worked, though.  
  
\-- audaciousArchitect [AA] began badgering equineEngineer [EE] –-  
  
AA: Tiffany. Can you find me?  
EE: maybe  
EE: gimme a sec  
EE: aha!  
EE: found you! ;)  
AA: Any idea what I’m looking at here?  
EE: woah!  
EE: umm  
EE: lemme see  
EE: oh! its the forge!  
AA: It appears to be a volcano – or at least a reasonable facsimile.  
EE: yeah  
EE: its part of your quest  
AA: My quest?  
EE: hang on  
EE: steve wants something  
  
Well. While she’s busy with him, you should see if you can obtain any more information.  
  
GREG: Shiva. What is this quest I supposedly have?  
SHIVASPRITE: user.aspect = SPACE  
SHIVASPRITE: getQuest(user.aspect)  
SHIVASPRITE: user.quest = forge.stoke()  
SHIVASPRITE: for(int i = 0; i < planet.getFrogCount(); i++)  
SHIVASPRITE: user.quest += getDNA(planet.frogs[i]);  
  
That’s… interesting. You have to make this volcano erupt, and then… something about obtaining DNA from frogs? Liz mentioned frogs, and you assume that all of the sealed compartments you keep seeing are where they’re kept. You can’t imagine how you’re supposed to get their DNA, though. Perhaps that will be more clear once you stoke the Forge.  
  
Which will be quite the task by itself. Assuming the volcano is active at all, you’d need something drastic to set it off. Tiffany seems to have gained a great deal of information all of a sudden. She likely knows something.  
  
AA: Tiffany. Tell me more about the Forge.  
EE: greg!!!  
EE: >:(  
AA: Pardon?  
EE: steve told me about how you were a dick to him!  
AA: I was no such thing.  
EE: you made him climb a huge ladder!  
AA: I offered him the most efficient method of reaching his gate. It saved both time and grist.  
AA: And it meant I could return to working with you.  
EE: oh no you dont  
EE: dont try to make this about us  
EE: you need to stop fucking with steve  
AA: I’m just doing what’s best for everyone.  
AA: Steve needs opportunities to grow, and you and I need to progress as far as we possibly can.  
EE: >:(  
EE: greg why do you have to be a jerk all the time  
AA: I have no idea what you’re talking about.  
AA: If people happen to react negatively to me, that’s their problem.  
EE: >:(!!!  
AA: What do you want from me, Tiffany?  
EE: i want you to apologize to steve!  
EE: and then to stop being such an asshole!  
EE: god greg!  
EE: youre really smart and cute and confident and stuff!  
EE: why do you have be a jerk too!  
AA: I have never intentionally been a jerk.  
EE: really?  
EE: >:(  
AA: Okay, perhaps occasionally I have been unnecessarily harsh to Steve. But only for his benefit.  
AA: He needs someone to push him.  
EE: no  
EE: you need someone to push!  
EE: >:(  
AA: I most certainly do not.  
EE: dont give me that!  
EE: i see right through you!  
EE: its not enough for you to be cool  
EE: you have to be cooler than everybody and make sure they know it!  
AA: Preposterous.  
EE: im not talking to you anymore greg  
EE: you want to be better than everyone else then fine  
EE: go be perfect by yourself  
  
\-- equineEngineer [EE] blocked audaciousArchitect [AA] \--  
  
Wh…  
  
What?  
  
She…  
  
She blocked you.  
  
That’s impossible. You’re a SMOOTH OPERATOR.  
  
Sure, you act a little arrogant, but that’s part of SMOOTH OPERATING. She likes that. She said so.  
  
…What do you do now?


	45. Chapter 45

You decide to take a rest on a nearby pew. Walking across your planet is a tall order, and the bell your quest demands you ring never seems to get any closer. All the fireplaces may give the place a cozy feel, but it’s not great for making a long journey comfortable. At least word of your pilgrimage has travelled, and your mouse friends have scurried out of their holes to offer you supplies. The only payment they accept is readings of scripture; you don’t know that they fully understand the words you speak, but they certainly seem happy to hear them.  
  
Which is more than you can say for the imps you’ve encountered. On a lark, you tried converting one through the Word rather than the book. It lasted through four verses before clamping its hands over its ears (you think; it’s hard to tell how weird carapace creatures hear) and begging you to go away. You had to put the poor thing out of its misery.  
  
You take a sip from the canteen that Duchess Margaretta Alderdice generously donated to your cause. There haven’t been any rivers or lakes that you have seen to provide water to these blessed creatures, but you certainly won’t turn down such a thoughtful gift. They show true compassion, and your heart swells to think of how wonderful everyone has been.  
  
Then you receive a message.  
  
\-- equineEngineer [EE] began badgering phaithfulPhysician [PP] -–  
  
EE: liz :’(  
PP: Oh dear. What happened, Tiff?  
EE: i yelled at greg for being a jerk  
EE: and now im not talking to him  
PP: I see.  
EE: im just so mad!!  
EE: why does he have to be so difficult  
PP: I’m afraid that’s just Greg.  
EE: i was kind of looking forward to doing all this with him  
EE: maybe get a chance to be alone  
EE: but then it turns out he put steve in real danger!  
EE: and i just want to smack him!  
PP: Let me guess. He said something about making Steve face his fears to become a better person.  
EE: something like that  
EE: he cant just be a normal cute smart guy  
PP: You’ve already heard my thoughts on the matter.  
EE: you and your freudian excuses  
PP: I don’t think this technically falls under Freud’s theories.  
EE: whatever  
EE: just ugh  
EE: i think im going to let him sit for a while  
EE: you and i can do stuff instead  
  
You have been rather negligent in your server duties. Come to think of it, your server hasn’t helped you either. Everyone else has been so busy with their own problems that you’ve been kind of forgotten. Not that you’re complaining, of course; you’re more than capable of keeping yourself busy, and you’d rather they handle their affairs than trouble themselves with you.  
  
Oh dear. And this is why.  
  
\--  audaciousArchitect [AA] began badgering phaithfulPhysician [PP] -–  
  
AA: Liz. I know you’re talking to Tiffany.  
PP: Just drop it, Greg.  
PP: I’ve already heard it, and I happen to agree with her. Your behavior, as always, was deplorable.  
AA: You’ve heard what Tiffany said Steve said.  
PP: Do you deny making him climb a fifty story ladder without help or safety measures?  
AA: It’s not that simple.  
PP: Isn’t it?  
PP: We all have Slopbox now. We can share grist. Resources aren’t a constraint.  
AA: It was efficient timewise as well.  
PP: So is a ramp. But you didn’t build him a ramp, did you.  
AA: It was all I could think of in a hurry.  
PP: First, you weren’t in a real hurry. There was no ticking clock saying you had to get Steve through the gate immediately. You wanted to brush him off quickly so you could go back to flirting with Tiffany.  
PP: More importantly, I know you can think better than that. You know you can think better than that.  
PP: You wanted to see Steve in danger because it makes you feel good.  
AA: It was for his own benefit!  
PP: How many times do you have to say that before it becomes true?  
AA: He needs to be challenged so he can see that he’s capable of more than he shows. Without a firm push, he just languishes and makes himself look terrible.  
PP: And you are so concerned about that.  
PP: You don’t want Steve to look good.  
PP: Because if Steve is as good as you say, he’s smart, funny, charismatic, and most importantly, not some kind of sociopath.  
PP: And Tiffany won’t give you the time of day.  
AA: Look. Just tell her to unblock me so I can explain.  
PP: No, I don’t think I will, Greg.  
PP: In fact, I think that was the smartest thing she’s done since all this started.  
PP: You do need to see just how unpleasant you can be.  
PP: So I’m going to follow suit.  
AA: You can’t do this!  
PP: It’s for your own benefit, Greg.  
PP: Think of it as a chance to grow.  
  
\-- phaithfulPhysician [PP] blocked audaciousArchitect [AA] \--  
  
You really shouldn’t be feeling this smug.  
  
PP: I’m sorry about that, Tiff.  
PP: So. Let’s get to work on getting you through that gate.


	46. Chapter 46

After three hours of walking, you finally reach the far end of the island. It shouldn’t have taken that long; you had to make long detours to avoid the natives. You’ve had enough experience dodging tropical fruits that you now have the reflexes of a ~~ninj~~ awesome sneaky pirate. Unfortunately, as years of grinding has taught you, avoiding combat doesn’t earn you levels. You’re hoping that this shortcut your weird new guide is describing will help with that.

The beach on this island is covered in driftwood. You wonder where it came from; the monkeys don’t seem the seafaring type. There’s enough random bits of flotsam that you could build a raft if you really needed it. That wouldn’t be smart though – a few hundred feet from the shore you can see a large whirlpool. If you tried to cast off here, you’d inevitably get sucked in. This is going to make searching for this supposedly amazing treasure difficult.

\-- siliconSwashbuckler [SS] began badgering anonymousAdvisor [AA] –-

SS: Uh, hello?  
AA: I am here, Mister Garrison. I am always here.  
SS: Okay, that’s not creepy.  
SS: So… what am I supposed to do now?  
AA: You have a number of tasks to accomplish. Three is a nice number. Let’s say three tasks.  
AA: You will need a seaworthy vessel. Thankfully, you have all the necessary material before you.  
SS: Uh…  
SS: I’m not a shipbuilder. I don’t know the first thing about it.  
AA: The proper term is shipwright, and you needn’t worry in that regard. The primates that have troubled you are fine carpenters.  
SS: Great. I was hoping I wouldn’t have to deal with them anymore.  
AA: You just need to learn how to talk to them.  
SS: Ugh.  
SS: Even if I do get a ship, I won’t be able to go anywhere. That whirlpool would just sink me.  
AA: Actually, that will not be a problem. The whirlpool is your first destination.  
SS: Uh… what?  
AA: Think of it like a Gate.  
SS: Oh. Does it take me to the next gate?  
AA: You don’t want to go through any more Gates.  
SS: I don’t? I thought that was kind of the point.  
AA: The first Gate on a player’s planet leads to the most pivotal point on that planet. For you, it is this island, where you will build your ship.  
AA: The second Gate leads to the planet of the player’s server. Do you really wish to travel to Mister Carsten?  
SS: Yeah, no.  
AA: Precisely. Your best course of action is to stay on this planet and find your treasure.  
AA: Your second task is to obtain a map.  
AA: Ordinarily, you would sail the seas, combing each island and charting territory as you go. This would be very slow and arduous. I imagine you would much rather skip straight to the end.  
SS: Yeah, I never did like screwing around until the next plot coupon pops up.  
SS: Does this mean I miss a lot of experience? I don’t want to end up underleveled.  
AA: I have a plan for that. You needn’t worry.  
SS: Okay. So what’s the third thing?  
AA: That I think you’ll enjoy.  
AA: You need to be rid of the dead weight dragging you down.  
SS: Dead weight?  
AA: Your hindrance of a sprite.

That may be the best news you’ve heard all week.

STEVE: Hey Marcus Fauxnix.  
ACTIONSPRITE: I LIVE TO SERVE  
STEVE: Not any more you don’t. I’m banishing you, or releasing you or whatever.  
ACTIONSPRITE: I DON’T UNDERSTAND “banishing you, or releasing you or whatever”  
STEVE: Get. Lost.  
ACTIONSPRITE: STEVE  
ACTIONSPRITE: DON’T DO THIS  
STEVE: I have a new guide. One who’s actually helpful.  
STEVE: And doesn’t annoy me.  
ACTIONSPRITE: STEVE  
ACTIONSPRITE: YOU CAN’T LISTEN TO HIM  
ACTIONSPRITE: HE’S TRYING TO RUIN YOU  
STEVE: Really?  
STEVE: He wants to help me find that treasure that’s so important.  
STEVE: What do you want me to do?  
ACTIONSPRITE: YOU NEED TO CONTACT YOUR SERVER AND BUILD TO THE NEXT GATE  
STEVE: Really. And where will that lead me?  
ACTIONSPRITE: WHERE YOU NEED TO GO  
STEVE: Would that happen to be Greg’s world?  
ACTIONSPRITE: …MAYBE  
STEVE: You weren’t going to tell me that, were you?  
STEVE: You were going to send me to the doorstep of the guy who almost killed me, and you weren’t even going to tell me.  
STEVE: Yeah, I think I trust this guy more than you. Get out.  
ACTIONSPRITE: …IS THIS REALLY WHAT YOU WANT?  
STEVE: Yes!  
ACTIONSPRITE: …  
ACTIONSPRITE: WHENEVER THERE IS A MEETING, A PARTING IS SURE TO FOLLOW  
ACTIONSPRITE: HOWEVER  
ACTIONSPRITE: THAT PARTING NEED NOT LAST FOREVER  
ACTIONSPRITE: WHETHER A PARTING BE FOREVER OR MERELY FOR A SHORT TIME...  
ACTIONSPRITE: THAT IS UP TO YOU  
STEVE: That would almost be touching if I didn’t know you were just parroting Zelda.  
ACTIONSPRITE: STEVE  
ACTIONSPRITE: IT’S DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE  
ACTIONSPRITE: TAKE THIS  
ACTIONSPRITE: PLEASE

He hands you a necklace. The pendant on the end is a circle of ceramic with the spirograph logo on it in blue.

ACTIONSPRITE: IF YOU EVER NEED HELP  
ACTIONSPRITE: YOU CAN CALL ME  
STEVE: Yeah, whatever.  
ACTIONSPRITE: AND STEVE  
ACTIONSPRITE: WHEN DEALING WITH THAT MAN  
ACTIONSPRITE: PREPARE FOR UNFORSEEN CONSEQUENCES  
STEVE: Get the hell out of here.

You almost feel bad as your sprite floats dejectedly away. Almost.

SS: So. Building a ship, huh?  
AA: Yes. Gather up your shipwrights, and I’ll translate for you.


	47. Chapter 47

Okay, this was not your best idea.

Luckily, the giant robots don’t seem to want to chase you into the ruins of this city, so you have a chance to catch your breath. You’re still trapped in a crumbling building by a pair of enormous mechanized monsters, but you don’t have to worry about dying immediately. Just if you try to move.

Your goddamn stupid automail arm doesn’t have enough power to hurt them directly, and you don’t have anywhere near enough grist to try to transmute one. There probably isn’t enough grist in the world. So now you’ve pissed off two giant robots and got nothing out of it. Great job, dumbass.

\-- bebopBelter [BB] began badgering intenseImpressionist [II] \--

BB: uh  
BB: hey  
II: what  
BB: i  
BB: uh  
BB: need some help  
II: what did you do  
BB: turns out i suck  
II: what a surprise  
BB: these mecha are about to kick my ass  
BB: i need a rescue  
II: Ill see what I can do

\--

You hunker down. The ground shakes each time one of them takes a step. This was a really fucking bad idea.

Where is your fucking sprite right now? You really need something to punch, and the asshole who suggested that you need to fight things the size of buildings sounds like a good target. There is no way this is what you’re supposed to be doing. Imps? Sure. You can even take some of those big ones. But this is goddamn ridiculous.

The hell? Now you’ve got a weird message.

\-- anonymousAdvisor [AA] began badgering bebopBelter [BB] \--

AA: Hello, Mister Stelios. I understand that you’re in need of assistance.  
BB: uh  
BB: who the hell are you  
AA: A friend. One capable of solving the predicament in which you find yourself.  
BB: um  
BB: dude i dont know who you think are  
BB: but im kind of fucking busy now  
BB: go troll somebody else  
AA: My my.  
AA: I would be surprised at your stubbornness if I didn’t know everything.  
AA: Very well. Allow me to make a token gesture of goodwill.

\--

All of a sudden the ground stops shaking. Hesitantly, you peer out of your decaying hiding hole.

The giant robots are gone. Like they were never there in the first place. In fact, the only way you can be sure they were is because there are still giant footprints stomped into the ground.

\--

BB: what the fuck  
AA: As I said, I am a friend.  
BB: you did that  
AA: Indeed.  
BB: uh  
BB: thanks  
BB: how the hell did you do that  
AA: I possess many talents.  
BB: okay weird dude  
BB: what do you want  
AA: I want the same as you. My aim is the completion of your quest and the success of you and your friends.  
BB: sweet  
BB: your here to help me fight these giants  
AA: Is that what you think you must do?  
AA: Oh dear.  
BB: thats what my sprite said  
BB: i gotta build the biggest mecha ever and fight some evil asshole  
AA: That’s among the most preposterous things I’ve heard.  
BB: yeah  
BB: thats what i said  
AA: No, your goal is ascend through both Gates here on your planet.  
BB: oh  
BB: why  
AA: The first Gate will lead you to the second, which will transport you to the planet of your server player.  
BB: oh  
BB: then what  
AA: You shouldn’t worry about events that far down the road.  
AA: What matters most is that you and Miss Nestore meet, and you aid her in her quest.  
BB: uh  
BB: you just said my quest was stupid  
BB: isnt hers pointless too  
AA: She is a special case. It is absolutely imperative that you help her complete her assigned task.  
BB: if you say so dude  
AA: I do.  
AA: Ascend through the second Gate, Mister Stelios.  
AA: You and Miss Nestore have an important duty together.  
BB: what

\-- anonymousAdvisor [AA] ceased badgering bebopBelter [BB] \--

That was weird. Really weird.

Well, you can’t really complain. You’re not in danger anymore, and you have a quest that sounds a hell of a lot more doable. And honestly, you wouldn’t mind spending more time with Stephanie. She’s actually pretty cool.

\--

BB: hey  
BB: nm on that rescue  
BB: some weird dude helped me out  
II: okay  
BB: and he said we gotta meet up  
BB: im going back to my house and going thru the gate  
BB: when we find the next one itll take me to you  
BB: then i help you with your quest thing  
II: okay  
II: sounds good  
BB: sweet  
BB: thanks

\-- bebopBelter [BB] ceased badgering intenseImpressionist [II] \--


	48. Chapter 48

\-- phaithfulPhysician [PP] began badgering equineEngineer [EE] \--

PP: I think that should be high enough to reach the gate.  
EE: lemme see  
EE: ooo!  
EE: yeah that looks great! :)  
PP: Give it a test. I’m not sure how structurally sound it is.

You finish brushing Marie’s hair and approach the spiral staircase Liz made. All the stairs are embedded around a column, stretching all the way up to the enormous portal in the air. You lean your weight onto the first few stairs, and it holds. Liz has better architectural skill than she admits.

EE: its perfect!  
PP: And you know where this will take you?

You peer into the folds of paradox space. In another timeline, a version of you describes the nature of the Gates. You repeat her explanation.

EE: yeah  
EE: its like halfway across my planet  
EE: close to the atomic cymbal  
PP: What is that?

Your temporal sight again shows you the answer.

EE: in case we fuck up really badly  
EE: it lets us reset everything  
EE: but like everything everything  
EE: so we probably shouldnt do that X\  
PP: Pardon my interruption, but where are you getting this information?  
PP: I was under the impression your sprite didn’t talk.  
EE: yeah maries quiet :/  
EE: im seeing it from other mes  
EE: i think its part of being a seer  
EE: i can look at all the alternate timelines and see what other versions of us do  
PP: Oh my.  
PP: That sounds useful, if rather disturbing.  
PP: How much information can you gleam from this? It would be nice to know what we should and shouldn’t do.  
EE: its kind of hard  
EE: all of the other versions of us are from doomed timelines  
EE: so i can see what they do but its not a good idea for us to do it  
PP: Doomed timelines?  
EE: yeah :(  
EE: theres only one alpha timeline and thats us  
PP: So there are alternate parallel versions of us that are doomed to… failure and misery, I assume, merely because they aren’t us?  
EE: yeah  
EE: it really sucks  
PP: There must be something we can do.  
EE: no  
EE: thats what dooms some of them  
EE: they say not to worry though  
EE: things will be okay for them  
EE: the important thing is that you and i do what we have to do  
PP: …I refuse.  
PP: I will not give up on them so easily.  
PP: But I won’t push the issue now.  
PP: So go ahead and enter the gate. I’ll find you on the other side.

You stare through the multiverse. Some versions of you attempt to climb the stairs, which collapse and leave those yous plummeting to horrible deaths. Others are suddenly attacked by enormous GRASS OGRES, and the strife turns terrible. If you focus, you can tune out the ones who fail right now and see just the ones whose deaths come later. All of this disaster is kind of depressing, so you shut out your infinite sight.

Your ascent is unremarkable. No horrors assail you, no tragedy befalls you, no misfortune awaits you. At the top of the stairs, you step through the gate.

It deposits you on a hill overlooking a vast plain. At its center is the Atomic Cymbal, the construct used for performing a scratch. Its brass surface stands in stark contrast to the grassy fields around it. The herds grazing and galloping across the landscape stay far clear of it. Something that powerful deserves fear and respect.

You take one last look through your other selves, searching for any who might cause a scratch. There are some there – in the infinity of paradox space, you can find a version of yourself that does almost anything. Sifting through the visions, you find them. Every one working with Greg and Steve to reset the universe after terrible failure, and every one falling to the hordes that appear at the threat of a scratch. The Incipisphere resists the attempt with everything it has, and you’re never strong enough to stop it.

You’d better not fuck up, then.


	49. Chapter 49

You are legitimately going insane.

For the first few days of your imposed exile, you handled yourself well. Having a goal helped; you spent hours analyzing the structure and mechanisms behind the Forge. Your Sylladex is crammed full of diagrams detailing its inner workings. Once you understood the layout of the volcano, you began drawing up blueprints for a device that would ignite it. Inside, at the bottom of the funnel, is a blast door that radiates heat. The magma must be trapped behind it. There are no clear operational mechanisms to open the door, so you’ll have to rip it off through force. Unfortunately, none of the robots you’ve designed have enough torque to do the job, and you don’t have enough in the way of raw materials anyway.

By the time you came to the conclusion that you lacked the means to solve your problem alone, you had been abandoned for a week. Tiffany and Liz still had you blocked, and Tiffany hadn’t done anything as your server at all. Steve has refused to answer any messages either. At point you went so far as to strike up a conversation with ButlerBot. He’s probably the worst conversationalist ever, though – all he does is agree with everything you say and offer you tea that he doesn’t have.

For week two, you decided to try a new approach to the Forge problem. If you didn’t have the necessary equipment, you’d just have to fabricate it. Your unparalleled intellect immediately discerned the best method of doing so was to crack the code behind the captcha cards. You would just figure out how the eight-character codes correlated to the objects they represented, and then you could alchemitize anything. First, you went on a two-day hunting binge, slaughtering imps to build up your grist cache. You then sat down and started cracking. Your room is now full of pointless items, often composed of multiple things jammed into each other in defiance of the laws of physics.

It’s been more than three weeks now, and all you’ve been able to determine is that the captcha system makes no goddamn sense.

GREG: This is all your fault.  
BUTLERBOT: Yes, sir. I am a disappointment.

That was the most stimulating conversation you’ve had in nearly a month.

Legitimately insane.

You rub your eyes, shadowed by dark rings. The first night, when you fell asleep here and woke up on Derse, you tried to find the dream selves of the other two. Something crazy had been happening there, though, and both other towers were empty. The few Dersites that would talk to you only stuttered something about a team of monsters killing off royalty before dashing off into hiding. You haven’t slept much since then. There’s no point.

The clock on your HUD says it’s time to try opening the lines of communication again. Every day, you check BadgerBud to see if you’ve been unblocked. After the second week, you lost all hope. It’s routine, though, so you give it another try.

Nope.

Hell, at this point, you’ll even talk to James.

\-- audaciousArchitect [AA] began badgering bebopBelter [BB] \--

AA: James.  
BB: just fucking great  
BB: im busy here  
AA: Please.  
BB: no  
BB: fuck off

\-- bebopBelter [BB] blocked audaciousArchitect [AA] \--

This is it, then.

You’re going to die here, alone, a complete and utter failure. You’ll never accomplish your assigned task, you’ll never learn the point of all this. You’ll never get to apologize to Tiffany.

GREG: This is…  
BUTLERBOT: All my fault, yes, sir. May I make up for it with crumpets?  
GREG: No.  
GREG: This is all my fault.  
GREG: I wasn’t charming enough. I’m supposed to be smooth. I should have been able to talk her out of it.  
BUTLERBOT: As you say, sir. Might I suggest a drink to calm your nerves?  
GREG: …Is that really it?  
BUTLERBOT: Of course it is, sir.  
GREG: …I just wanted what was best for everyone.

Your throat is starting to hurt. You haven’t talked this much in a month.

GREG: I had to be the example that Steve needs.  
GREG: I had to be the prize Tiffany wants.  
GREG: They needed me to be better than them so they could aspire to greatness.  
BUTLERBOT: And you are great, sir.  
GREG: …I’m not, am I?  
GREG: It’s all an act.  
GREG: I’m a cocky asshole who needs to push people around.  
GREG: I…  
GREG: I drove away all my friends.  
BUTLERBOT: Indeed, sir.  
GREG: And now none of them will talk to me at all.

…Wait. That’s not entirely true.

\-- audaciousArchitect [AA] began badgering intenseImpressionist [II] \--

AA: Stephanie.  
II: what  
AA: Can I please ask you something?  
II: no  
II: were busy  
AA: You and Steve?  
II: me and james  
II: were working on my quest  
AA: Please. I need to talk to Tiffany, and she won’t speak to me.  
II: no  
II: go away  
AA: Please. I’ll do anything.  
II: then do me a favor and go away  
AA: …Okay.

\-- audaciousArchitect [AA] ceased badgering intenseImpressionist [II] \--

And your last hope dwindles away.

…

…

A favor.

Favor!

\-- audaciousArchitect [AA] began badgering siliconSwashbuckler [SS] \--

AA: Steve.  
AA: I know you’re there.  
AA: If you don’t respond, I will exercise my power as your server.  
AA: I’ll drop something on you.  
SS: You know, I was really enjoying not being bothered you for a month.  
SS: I was talking to an AA who didn’t constantly tell me how terrible I was.  
SS: It was great.  
AA: Steve. I need to talk to Tiffany.  
SS: No.  
SS: She and I have actually had enjoyable conversations lately.  
SS: You didn’t come up in them at all.  
AA: Steve. I’m sorry.  
AA: I was an ass.  
AA: Now please, tell her to talk to me.  
SS: Ha!  
SS: If you think I’m going to believe that, you’re a bigger idiot than James.  
AA: …Please, Steve. Accept my apology.  
SS: No.  
AA: …I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this.  
AA: I’m calling in my favor.  
SS: What?  
AA: When I agreed to be your server, you promised me a boon of my choice.  
AA: This is it. Get Tiffany to contact me.  
SS: …  
AA: You owe me, Steve. You know you do.  
SS: …  
AA: Are you the kind of guy who would go back on your word?  
SS: …I hate you.  
SS: I fucking hate you.  
SS: Hold on.

…Did it work?

\-- equineEngineer [EE] began badgering audaciousArchitect [AA] \--

EE: greg?  
AA: Tiffany.  
AA: Please listen.  
AA: I have been an ass.  
AA: I have been terrible to you and to Steve.  
AA: I have done nothing but hurt both of you.  
AA: And I am sorry.  
AA: Please.  
AA: Can we be friends again?  
EE: …  
EE: :O!!!  
EE: do you really mean that?  
AA: I do.  
AA: You were right. I needed time alone to see how big a dick I really was.  
AA: I’m sorry.  
EE: greg!  
EE: i am so glad to hear that!  
EE: tbh  
EE: i really missed you! ;)  
AA: I missed you too.  
EE: ive been telling steve that i wished you would come back  
AA: …Really?  
EE: uh huh  
EE: we should build you up to the gate so you can come here  
EE: im gonna give you the biggest hug ;)  
AA: …I haven’t completed my quest yet. I can’t light the Forge.  
EE: maybe i can help with that  
AA: I’ve been trying to reverse-engineer the captcha code for an explosive that would set off the volcano, but the system is utterly impossible.  
EE: ill check another timeline and see if i can find something  
AA: …Excuse me?  
EE: okay  
EE: i have the code for the bomb you need  
EE: ready?  
AA: …How did you get that?  
EE: its kind of complicated  
EE: ill tell you when you get here  
AA: Okay. Give me the code.  
EE: kabooom!  
AA: …  
EE: thats the code  
AA: …

You smack your face so hard it leaves a mark.

AA: Okay, I’m making the explosive now.  
AA: Yes, this is exactly what I’m looking for.  
EE: told you :)  
AA: Let me go set it up.

You stash the timebomb in your Sylladex and start climbing the volcano. Early on you figured out the quickest path, so it doesn’t take you long. You set the timer, take careful aim, and chuck the bomb at the blast door.

Then you run like hell.

The Forge erupts brilliantly, lava launching into the air before draining down the multitude of pipes and grooves down the face of the volcano. As it seeps down, the machinery around starts to whir.

EE: woah!  
EE: all the factory parts are starting  
AA: They must be thermal powered. Lighting the Forge activated the whole planet.  
EE: and look!  
EE: frogs!

All of the sealed compartments you’ve been seeing in the ground are opening as the machinery hums to life. Frogs of all shapes and sizes leap out, croaking at each other.

AA: This is part of my quest too.  
EE: i know  
EE: come through the gate  
EE: i have an idea for how to make it easier  
AA: Alright.  
EE: greg  
EE: im so glad youre back ;)  
AA: I am too.


	50. Chapter 50

This past month has been kind of the worst.

You’ve spent most it wandering around in the dark, looking for a mirror that’s somehow different from the hundreds of others you’ve encountered. Every single one looks exactly the same, though. You’re pretty sure you’ve walked halfway across the planet, and you’re no closer than when you started. You don’t even know if you’ve made any progress.

The consorts of the planet have tried to help, but they don’t know what you’re looking for any more than you do. Occasionally one of the panthers will plod over and direct you to a particular mirror. You’ll pull out the Chromatic Cleaver and call forth a ray of light onto the reflective surface, but nothing happens. You don’t even know if something is supposed to happen.

JAMES: Hey Steph, try this one.

That’s the other problem.

You haven’t had real time to yourself all month. Sometimes you have to wrap yourself in the Vanishing Veil just to go hide somewhere for a few minutes. It’s never long enough, though.

After spending three weeks with James, you’ve come to a conclusion.

He is really, really irritating.

For the first week, it was kind of nice to have somebody to discuss manga and anime with. As great as Steve is, he isn’t as devoted to Japanese culture as you are. You were able to have serious debates about the works of Satoshi Kon, even if he is totally wrong about when the group died in Happy Family Planning. Sure, he tended to ramble, and his taste is kind of one-dimensional, but it was actual conversation about things you like.

And the fight happened.

You’re still not sure exactly what occurred, but Steve and James ended up blocking each other on BadgerBud. James spent the next few days in a rage. He kept muttering expletives under his breath, and he punched a few of the mirrors (thankfully, only ones you’d already checked). You’re kind of scared of him now. He hadn’t ever showed any sign of explosive anger before.

And you’re pretty sure he’s got a weird crush on you. When you suggested after the fight that he spend some time on his own world to get his thoughts together, he insisted that hanging out with you was just what he needed. Then he wouldn’t leave your side for hours. Being around him is utterly exhausting.

And there’s the terrible jokes. They’re not even jokes, just stupid things he says. He thinks they’re funny or clever or something. You had hoped that if you stopped acknowledging them at all, he’d stop making them. Now he thinks he has to be even “funnier” to get your attention.

JAMES: Steph, where are you?

Now you’re hiding, hoping that maybe he’ll give up and go away.

He never does.

STEPHSPRITE: ♥ Steph! ♥  
STEPHANIE: Shh!  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ Why? ♥  
STEPHANIE: I’m trying to hide from James.  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ But he’s our friend! ♥  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ And he’s Steve’s best friend! ♥  
STEPHANIE: I don’t care! He’s annoying, and I want to be left alone.  
STEPHANIE: So shut up and go away!  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ Steph, that isn’t very nice! ♥  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ We should try to be nice to Steve’s friend so he’ll see how good we are! ♥  
STEPHANIE: I don’t care!  
STEPHANIE: I’m tired of putting on that act, and I’m tired of dealing with him, and I’m tired of searching for this stupid mirror.  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ Then don’t! ♥  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ Use your brush and get through the Gate! ♥  
STEPHANIE: And I’m tired of listening to you, too.  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ But Steph! ♥  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ I’m trying to help! ♥  
STEPHANIE: Well stop!  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ Steph… ♥  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ If you go through the Gate, you’ll go to the Land of Tides and Trials. ♥  
STEPHANIE: I don’t care.  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ But then you can see Steve and be happy again! ♥  
STEPHANIE: I don’t need Steve to be happy!

Your sprite looks like she’s been slapped.

STEPHSPRITE: ♥ Wh… ♥  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ …What? ♥  
STEPHANIE: I’m perfectly capable of being happy on my own!  
STEPHANIE: I’m not some mopey bimbo who needs Steve to be complete.  
STEPHANIE: I’m not you.  
STEPHANIE: I hated you. Because you were happy, and I wasn't, and every time I looked at you it reminded me that I should be happy.  
STEPHANIE: But that's not right.  
STEPHANIE: I pity you. Because your happiness relies completely on Steve, and I don't need him.  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ …You don’t like Steve anymore? ♥  
STEPHANIE: Of course I do.  
STEPHANIE: I never stopped.  
STEPHANIE: But it doesn’t define me.  
STEPHANIE: Not anymore.

You stand up.

STEPHANIE: I'm a complete person, and I always have been.  
STEPHANIE: I'm done with this.  
STEPHANIE: You’re going to take me to the mirror. You know where it is.  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ … ♥  
STEPHANIE: And this place is going to stop being my prison.  
STEPHANIE: I’m not worthless anymore.  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ …Steph. ♥  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ …Is this really how you feel? ♥  
STEPHANIE: Yes. I’m tired of being nothing.  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ …Okay. I’ll take you where you need to go. ♥


	51. Chapter 51

\-- siliconSwashbuckler [SS] began badgering anonymousAdvisor [AA] \--

SS: How am I not there by now?  
SS: I’ve been sailing for a goddamn month.  
AA: Patience, Mister Garrison.  
AA: You will arrive exactly when you must.  
SS: How about I arrive when it’s convenient for me?  
SS: Like weeks ago?  
AA: Temper, Mister Garrison.  
AA: I have not led you astray.

Why did you bother trying to talk to him anyway? He’s never helpful. No one is ever helpful.

For the past month, you’ve been stuck on a ship built out of driftwood by monkeys, sailing in and out of whirlpools and accomplishing not a damn thing. Your stupid guardian says you’re taking the correct path, but you’ve definitely passed by the same island three times. It probably would have been faster to try to find this stupid treasure on your own.

Of course, you haven’t been very successful in your own endeavors. When Greg was banished, you had the perfect opportunity to spend some quality alone time with Tiffany. And you fucked it up like always.

Almost every conversation with her has involved Greg. You both have bitched about his behavior, but it’s pretty clear she always means it regretfully. She definitely wants him back. You’ve tried to steer the conversation to other topics, like stuff you both enjoy, but your miserable social skills meant that you could only talk for a few minutes before drifting back to Greg.

This abject failure to impress Tiffany carried over to your other relationships as well. Liz has been no help whatsoever, and things with James turned terrible quickly. You had a huge argument over it. Sometimes you look back over the BadgerBud conversation, trying to understand what the hell happened.

BB: maybe you should stop trying to flirt with a girl who has no interest in you  
SS: She does not have no interest in me!  
BB: really  
BB: then why the hell does she always talk about another dude  
SS: Because he’s an asshole!  
BB: yeah  
BB: its not because shes not into you  
BB: its all the fault of the guy who isnt even here  
SS: Like you have room to talk.  
SS: You’re no Casanova yourself, dumbass.  
BB: you goddamn idiot  
BB: your blaming me because your too stupid to see when its hopeless  
BB: and go for someone who clearly cant stop thinking about your fucking stupid ass  
SS: What, Liz?  
SS: You’re the idiot, idiot!  
SS: Liz doesn’t think of me that way, and I’m not into her either.  
BB: o my god  
BB: you are that fucking clueless  
BB: what the fuck does she even see in you  
SS: I told you, she doesn’t.  
SS: Try listening sometime, smartass.  
BB: your goddamn hopeless  
BB: keep on failing like the loser you are  
BB: im fucking done with you

\-- bebopBelter [BB] blocked siliconSwashbuckler [SS] \--

SS: Yeah, well I’m done with you too!

\-- siliconSwashbuckler [SS] blocked bebopBelter [BB] \--

You still can’t believe he thinks Liz is in love with you. That’s stupid. She’s like your sister. You watch each other’s backs, like two halves of a square or something.

Of course, now you can’t talk to him. Not that you want to – if he’s going to be a stubborn dick, he can go fuck off.

…No.

…Please no.

\-- audaciousArchitect [AA] began badgering siliconSwashbuckler [SS] \--

AA: Steve.  
AA: I know you’re there.  
AA: If you don’t respond, I will exercise my power as your server.  
AA: I’ll drop something on you.  
SS: You know, I was really enjoying not being bothered you for a month.  
SS: I was talking to an AA who didn’t constantly tell me how terrible I was.  
SS: It was great.  
AA: Steve. I need to talk to Tiffany.  
SS: No.  
SS: She and I have actually had enjoyable conversations lately.  
SS: You didn’t come up in them at all.

He doesn’t need to know.

AA: Steve. I’m sorry.  
AA: I was an ass.  
AA: Now please, tell her to talk to me.  
SS: Ha!  
SS: If you think I’m going to believe that, you’re a bigger idiot than James.  
AA: …Please, Steve. Accept my apology.  
SS: No.  
AA: …I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this.  
AA: I’m calling in my favor.  
SS: What?  
AA: When I agreed to be your server, you promised me a boon of my choice.  
AA: This is it. Get Tiffany to contact me.  
SS: …  
AA: You owe me, Steve. You know you do.  
SS: …

No. You don’t.

AA: Are you the kind of guy who would go back on your word?

You are.

For him, you are.

…

No. Damnit, no, you aren’t.

SS: …I hate you.  
SS: I fucking hate you.  
SS: Hold on.

Why are you doing this?

\-- siliconSwashbuckler [SS] began badgering equineEngineer [EE] \--

SS: Tiff.  
EE: hi steve  
SS: Greg wants to talk to you.  
EE: he does? :O  
SS: Yeah.  
EE: did he apologize to you?  
SS: Yeah, he did.  
EE: :)!!!  
EE: yay!  
EE: brb

You shouldn’t have done that.

AA: Good news, Mister Garrison. You’ve finally arrived.  
SS: What, here?  
AA: Yes, the island before you. The treasure you seek is there.

You steer your ship up to the coastline and lower the gangplank. It’s a short trudge down the beach to a trail through the dense vegetation. Everything is eerily quiet; you haven’t seen either an imp or a monkey hiding in the shadows.

After a few minutes winding through the jungle, you reach a clearing.

SS: This is it?  
AA: Yes. Your prize, Mister Garrison.

You poke the wooden chest with your staff, and it fails to react. The hinges creak as you lift the lid.

SS: What is this?

It’s a thin metal rectangle, the size of a notebook. The glass on the front has been divided into six squares. You fumble on the side, finding a button. When you press it, one of the squares lights up. It’s filled with a picture of yourself, right now, peering at the screen in your hand.

You press the button again. That screen goes dark, and the one beside it lights up.

It’s the Land of Salts and Sonance. You recognize it from the description Tiffany gave you.

And there she is, standing on a hill. It looks like she’s waiting for something.

Or someone.

No.

Fuck no.

Hell. Fucking. No.


	52. Chapter 52

The CUTE GUY you’ve been missing for the past month steps through the gate and you can see the bags under his eyes and how messy his fantastic hair is and you look into his eyes and you can see that he’s sorry he’s actually sorry and finally he’s cute and smart and confident and not a jerk and you’re so happy to see him that you leap forwards and throw your arms around him and he wraps his around your waist and you can’t help yourself and your lips meet his and god he kisses just like you’d hoped and it’s so amazing and you could just stay here forever.


	53. Chapter 53

NONONONONONONONONONONO

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!

THIS CAN’T HAPPEN!

YOU CAN’T LET THIS HAPPEN!

BUT IT’S HAPPENING!

HOW?!

AA: My condolences, Mister Garrison.  
SS: …Go to hell.  
SS: I don’t know who you are.  
SS: But I never want to speak to you again.  
AA: That would not be wise, Mister Garrison.  
AA: After all, you do want to undo this, don’t you?  
SS: What?  
AA: All of this misfortune that has befallen you.  
AA: All of the mistakes you’ve made that have led up to this moment.  
AA: I can help you wipe them away.  
SS: …  
SS: You can?  
AA: There is a way to wind back the clock. You can start over, armed with the knowledge you’ve gained from your tribulations thus far.  
AA: You can correct your mistakes.  
AA: It will require sacrifice.  
AA: It will not be simple or easy.  
AA: But if you wish it, yes, I will help you.  
SS: I’ll do it.  
SS: Anything to fix this.  
AA: Wonderful.  
AA: Then let me tell you about a scratch.


	54. Chapter 54

Another perfect operation completed due entirely to your management skills. As always, calm, confident direction saves the day.

Ms. Nestore proved surprisingly resourceful in a desperate situation. You're still not quite certain how she managed to rewire the strange small one's explosives, but it produced results. In the end, nothing else matters.

You consult your PDA for updates on your team. Now that you wrested control of the Battlefield's sendificator, you can travel between Prospit and Derse with acceptable levels of hassle. The arrangement isn't perfect, but it serves well enough. You don't do any of the traveling, of course; management needs to sit back and be objective, a state difficult to maintain when avoiding inconvenient stabbings.

Derse is now down three archagents. The Curious Deputy was dispatched by the Nestore girl's handiwork, and the Dersites learned the folly of using explosives. Stelios fought the Hale Behemoth several times before the giant finally succumbed to its wounds. You must give the old man credit; while fist fighting the beast was far from the most efficient solution, it did frighten the Derse royal guard into giving you room to operate. An effective leader allows his team to function according to their strengths, and the old man has a right hook worthy of song.

The Duplicitous Drudge proved far more difficult to overcome. Unlike the other two, he was intelligent enough to avoid frontal confrontations after his encounter with Ms. Garrison. Your games of cat-and-mouse occupied most of the last month. He would appear to threaten your subordinates, and you would attempt to draw him into disadvantageous fights. Even with you coordinating careful traps, your team was unable to pin him down. Finally, you pulled out your secret trump. The Drudge never expected Madam Marek to wield a cane with such ferocity. He didn't realize his hostage was a plant until she was raining blows upon his carapaced head.

All that remains is the Sinister Schemer himself. He's clearly your dark mirror, maneuvering his team in attempts to counter yours. Each move has been carefully calculated; he managed to neutralize Ms. Orrin, and it cost you dearly to recover her. The folly you committed in trying to place her in the field demonstrated the enemy's cunning and resolve. You haven't made that mistake again - she's far more useful organizing the Prospit army.

At last, though, the game is coming to a close. You've deduced the Schemer's location with minimal Prospitan sacrifices, and you've placed your team in position to prevent his escape. A reserve unit is on its way from the Battlefield. The noose is tightening with every passing second. It's a shame to see such a worthy adversary fall, but you'll savor the victory regardless.

…

Of course. Every plan must have its wrinkles.

\-- anonymousAdvisor [AA] attempted to address efficiencyExpert [EE] \--

AA: I told you we would not speak again. I'm afraid that was not entirely accurate.  
AA: What is about to happen will happen regardless, but I am now inclined to give you a short explanation.  
EE: I have nothing to say to you. Our business was concluded.  
EE: And after the threats I received previously, I will do no further business with you.  
AA: I had no intention of working with you again.  
AA: I am merely fulfilling my previous promise.  
EE: You made no such promise.  
AA: I told you that your son would be caused incredible strain when you would be hurt.  
AA: And indeed, it will.  
AA: I would say that I am sorry for this, but I have lied enough already.

\-- anonymousAdvisor [AA] announced an adieu to efficiencyExpert [EE] \--

That man.

You have no idea what nonsense he was spewing, but-

…

You are no longer in the Orrin girl's tower on Prospit.

You are now in the throne room of Derse.

In front of the Black Queen.

Who has a fully prototyped RING OF ORBS SIXFOLD.

And a terribly wicked smile.

This was not part of the plan.


	55. Chapter 55

\-- anonymousAdvisor [AA] began badgering siliconSwashbuckler [SS] \--

AA: I apologize for that momentary distraction. You once again have my undivided attention.  
SS: How am I supposed to get to Tiffany's world to scratch this cymbal?  
AA: That is a simple matter. You will fly through the Gate that connects you to Mister Carsten's planet, and from there you will ascend into the Gate to the Land of Salts and Sonance.  
SS: How? In case you haven't noticed, I am not a bird.  
AA: The solution that is also the solution to the other problem of a scratch.  
SS: Which is?  
AA: The temporal energy released by the scratch construct will completely reset the universe.  
AA: All events preceding the moment of the scratch will be undone, and no record of them will exist.  
SS: So no one will remember any of this.  
AA: Correct.  
AA: Which would rather defeat the purpose. If you are to prevent this unfavorable outcome, you will need to retain those memories.  
SS: And how do I do that?  
AA: You will need to reach a level of power previously unseen.  
AA: Immortality, Mister Garrison, overrides the power of even a scratch.  
SS: Uh, I'm not immortal either.  
AA: The fix for that is far simpler than you would expect.  
AA: It requires very little on your part.  
SS: Okay. What do I do?  
AA: One moment. I will need to move your dreamself, and I cannot do so while you are consciously inhabiting its form.  
AA: A special privilege granted the Heroes of a session.

The air pops, and your sleeping dreamself appears on the deck of your ship. It's kind of weird, staring at yourself next to you sleeping in yellow pajamas. You have the urge to poke yourself and see what happens.

AA: That would not be wise, Mister Garrison.  
SS: Huh?  
AA: Do not disturb your dreamself. It will play a vital role, and you need it unharmed.  
SS: Okay. Now what?  
AA: The whirlpool in front of you will take you where you need to go.

More sailing. It was really cool at first; you got to be a real captain, with a cool ship of your very own. She was quickly christened the Flying Shadow, a nod to one of James' animes. By now, though, it's just a chore. The novelty has worn off, and days of baking in the open air have soured your opinion of high-seas hijinks.

Travelling through a whirlpool never got any less frightening. You sail directly at it, feeling the sharp current yank your ship off course. The raging waters throw you back and forth, and with a lurch you're dragged into the dark abyss.

Then you just pop out of another one and sail away.

This time, you emerge in front of an island you're sure you haven't seen before. It's got all the hallmarks of a tropical island - palm trees, coconuts (god you hate coconuts), a jungle just beyond the coastline. This is only the second island you've seen with a path through the jungle, though. Most are completely untamed, forcing you to carve your way in.

AA: Here you are. Your destination is within.  
SS: That last time you sent me down a jungle path kind of really sucked.  
AA: This will be far better. Trust me.

With a frustrated sigh, you drop the gangplank and head ashore. The path is much shorter, and it only takes you a few minutes to reach the clearing at the center of the island.

SS: What is this?  
AA: Stand on it. I will do the rest.

You climb onto the stone slab. It kind of reminds you of a bed - there are four stone columns at the corners like bedposts. Some sort of white orb sits at the top of each, just like the towers on Prospit. That gives you a bit of comfort; the bright planet has always been relaxing, and nothing terrible happened there.

At the center of the slab is an oddly drawn heart. The left half is solid, while the right is a thick line marking out the outline. It's a brighter red than the rest of the slab, looking almost pink.

SS: Okay, I'm standing here.  
SS: Now what?

The air pops.

Standing in front of you are two giant robots. They look just as confused as you for a moment, and then they focus fully on you.

You only have a moment to gape before they pulverize you.


	56. Chapter 56

After a wonderful eternity, you finally break your kiss to breathe. Greg seems just as stunned as you.

TIFFANY: So, uh, hi.  
GREG: Hi yourself.

Your face is flushed. There's a tingle that's running through your whole body.

GREG: So…  
TIFFANY: So.  
TIFFANY: Can we make out some more?

Ugh!

Your stupid BadgerBud chimes, totally killing the mood.

And it's a weird message too. All blank. You try highlighting the empty spaces.

\-- anonymousAdvisor [AA] began badgering equineEngineer [EE] \--

AA: Hello, Miss Orrin. I'm afraid we haven't the time for proper introductions.  
AA: I am a friend of Mister Garrison and Mister Stelios. And I would like it if you would consider me a friend as well.  
AA: But we're on a very tight schedule.  
AA: Your beau's father won't last long.  
EE: what?  
EE: gregs dad is in trouble?  
AA: Indeed.  
AA: Mortal danger.  
AA: You are capable of rescuing him, but you must act now.  
EE: umm  
EE: youre some weird guy who wont even type in a legible color  
EE: why should i trust you?  
AA: Ask your alternate selves.

You open your infinite sight, and your doomed selves have the same conversation. In some of them, the creepy stalker guy sends a picture of Greg's dad being ripped apart by the queen of Derse. By the time those versions of you receive the picture, it's too late to save him. Greg never forgives you.

EE: eep!  
EE: okay!  
EE: what do i do?  
AA: I have taken the liberty of placing your dreamselves in position outside the Derse royal palace.  
AA: If you inhabit them now, you can stage a daring rescue.  
AA: But you must act quickly.  
EE: so we need to go to sleep?  
AA: Immediately.  
AA: Should you need assistance, I can provide.  
EE: yes!  
EE: hurry!

You lock eyes with Greg. He's confused. You plant a quick kiss on his lips, and then you both lose consciousness.


	57. Chapter 57

You are freaking awesome.

Parrots of every color imaginable flock around you as you float over your Quest Bed. A veritable rainbow swirls around you as you feel the incredible power of godhood course through you. The first real wind the Land of Tides and Trials has seen rushes through the palm trees, bolstering the glow that you feel rushing out of every inch of your immortal body.

…

OH GOD YOU LOOK SO STUPID

Your entire outfit is decked in the same red-and-pink hues as your Quest Bed. The heart insignia is emblazoned on your shirt.

More importantly, your lower half is only covered by a fuchsia speedo.

You do not have the legs to pull off a sexy pair of underpants.

\-- anonymousAdvisor [AA] began badgering siliconSwashbuckler [SS] \--

AA: Welcome to god tier, Mister Garrison.  
SS: …Um.  
SS: Is it normal to be half naked?  
AA: For a Page, yes.  
AA: You are uniquely blessed.  
AA: The Page class is difficult, starting extremely weak.  
SS: …Yeah, that sounds like me.  
AA: And yet with experience and understanding, it is the strongest class of all.  
AA: Pages are capable of feats beyond that of any other.  
AA: And you'll have plenty of time to understand how to harness that power after the scratch.  
SS: Do I have to keep wearing this?  
AA: No. You are absolutely allowed to return to your previous attire.  
AA: But it is hardly worthy of your newfound potential.  
SS: Yeah, I think I'll change.

  
You go back to wearing the Captain's Accoutrements. It's a whole lot more dignified.

SS: So now I'm god tier. Whatever that means.  
AA: The ramifications are legion.  
AA: First, you've transcended the limits of your ordinary Echeladder.  
AA: Scenarios that would previously challenge you are now inconsequential.  
AA: This is important, as the Medium will resist your efforts tremendously.  
AA: It will require all of the power you have mustered in order to find success.  
SS: Limit break. Got it.  
AA: Additionally, you now possess functional immortality.  
SS: Functional?  
AA: Outside of two cases, you cannot die.  
SS: And those cases?  
AA: First, if you were to die a heroic death – defending the life of another, for instance – the demise would be permanent.  
AA: I don’t foresee this being a problem.  
SS: What? Why?  
AA: You won’t encounter any of your friends on this task. You will need to travel through the lands of Mister Carsten and Miss Orrin, but both are otherwise occupied.  
AA: The other case is a just death. Should you abuse your newfound power and then find yourself dispatched by a hero, you would be seen as justly slain.  
AA: Again, this is no issue for you.  
AA: Outside of those two instances, should you suffer a fatal wound, you will simply revive instantly.  
SS: And this will let me live through the scratch.  
AA: Precisely.  
SS: Okay. Now what?  
AA: Might I recommend a test of your skills? The automatons are still on the island with you. They will prove a fine demonstration of your abilities.  
SS: Oh yeah. Where did those come from?  
AA: A loan from the Land of Whim and Will for your ascension. They are no longer necessary.

You flex your newly supercharged muscles. It’s like having lightning running through every vein. On a lark, you try doing a loop in the air. A new sense you don’t quite understand governs your flight, giving you perfect aerial control. You pull out Archimedes’ Worldmover and roll it along your shoulders, spinning it and flipping it with tiny muscular contractions. Every minute movement is precise and perfect, better than you ever were before. You snap your staff out, the crisp motion cracking the air.

The sound draws attention. Your murderers stomp through the jungle, enraged that you’re someone still alive. Their enormous metal fists still drip with your blood.

You smirk, whirling the staff before you like a buzzsaw. Payback’s a bitch.


	58. Chapter 58

Wow, what a fucking waste of time.

You’ve spent the last month stumbling around in twilight, trying to find some special mirror or, even better, a joke to cheer up the cool cute girl you’ve been spending all your time with. She likes good anime and can argue better than you can and she’s clearly crazy over your stupid best friend who’s an idiot asshole for not seeing how goddamn awesome she is. He definitely doesn’t deserve her.

This is all his fault. He’s been whining about his stupid crush, and it drove everybody away. Liz refuses to talk to anyone (not that she really talked to you much anyway), Greg’s been kicked out (finally), and Stephanie hasn’t laughed at even your best jokes. Steve always talked big about being a badass leader – captain of a ship or lieutenant of a squad – and you always backed him up. But now he got the chance to show that all that gaming and all that hero worship meant something, and he flopped like a dead fish.

You study the next mirror. Like all the others, its frame is a dull metal – brass or something, probably. You’re no metal expert (you’re more a classic rock guy). The dim light projected by your Digital Display bounces off the reflective surface, but it dies out after a few feet. This isn’t it either.

Maybe you’ll just stop. You did kind of abandon your own quest. Sure, it was kind of impossible, but you could give it another shot. You’re not exactly doing anything useful here.

\-- bebopBelter [BB] began badgering anonymousAdvisor [AA] -–

BB: yo  
BB: you there weird dude  
AA: I am always here, Mister Stelios.  
BB: i think im going back to my world  
BB: were not getting anything done here  
AA: I’m afraid that no longer matters.  
BB: huh  
AA: Mister Garrison has finally begun the final preparations.  
AA: Your game is coming to an end.  
BB: what  
AA: You have spoken to Miss Orrin. You are familiar with the concept of doomed timelines.  
BB: yea  
BB: she said when we make a mistake we stop being the alpha and all end up dying  
AA: Correct. And your course is finally set.  
BB: shit  
BB: did steve fuck everything up  
BB: i fucking knew it  
BB: im going to kick his ass  
AA: No, Mister Stelios.  
AA: This has always been your doing.  
AA: As Prince of Light, you have always been your own worst enemy. At every step, you have sabotaged yourself and your compatriots, and it is now beyond repair.  
BB: bullshit  
BB: i didnt do anything  
AA: Shall I lay it all out for you?  
AA: This all began that fateful Tuesday.  
AA: Steve had requested you as his server player. Due to your negligence, he was forced to contact Mister Carsten, who demanded a boon in exchange.  
AA: Mister Carsten demanded the payment of that boon in the form of a return to communication between himself and Miss Orrin, which Mister Garrison facilitated.  
AA: This led to the two lovebirds reconciling with a kiss, an event Mister Garrison witnessed. It pushed him over the edge and gave him the motivation necessary to put an end to this failed session.  
BB: your lying  
BB: theres no way thats my fault  
AA: I am far from finished.  
AA: Your unreliability required Miss Nestore to provide you with a compressed version of the software necessary to transport you to the Medium.  
AA: This manifested as a slight quirk in the operation of the Phernalia Registry; you were able to do something you should not have been allowed.  
BB: i sold the alchemiter  
AA: Had you the Alchemiter, you would not have found your personal quest impossible. Your arrogance would have been tempered, and you would have discovered the necessary components to finish your anthropomorphic vehicle.  
AA: Your quest would have been successful, and you would now be capable of preventing Mister Garrison from erasing you from existence.  
BB: no  
BB: your fucking full of shit  
AA: And I am still not finished.  
AA: The guardians who raised you and your friends woke you on Prospit and Derse with my aid.  
AA: They should have waited for Miss Orrin to enter the Medium and focused on her first.  
AA: Instead, your grandfather feared your unrestrained temper and chose to abandon my suggested order. He insisted on waking you immediately in an attempt to give you counsel.  
AA: This led to his battle with one of the agents of Derse. His victory inspired your guardians to meddle in Dersite affairs. The Derse royal guard was placed on alert, making them capable of intercepting and injuring Mister Carsten’s father.  
AA: Now Mister Carsten and Miss Orrin are on Derse staging a rescue instead of blocking Mister Garrison on the Land of Salts and Sonance.  
AA: The Prince is a dangerous class, fit only for one who can channel its destructive power for benefit rather than harm.  
AA: The Light aspect is among the most powerful, governing chance and opportunity.  
AA: A team with a Prince of Light needs him to be extremely competent, or he will bring them to ruin.  
AA: You are a failure, Mister Stelios, and you have cost your friends everything.  
AA: I suggest you simply wait for Mister Garrison to fix your mistakes as he always does.  
AA: It will not be long before he wipes this slate clean, and paradox space can forget what an utter and abysmal disgrace you are.

\-- anonymousAdvisor [AA] blocked bebopBelter [BB] \--

You…

You…

You did it again, didn’t you?

He’s right. You fucked everything up. And Steve’s going to abandon everyone to try to fix it. And he’s probably right.

You’re just going to sit here and wait for the world to end.


	59. Chapter 59

THIS IS SUCH A TERRIBLE IDEA

You’re currently running for your life because you followed the advice of a guy who you’ve never met who seems really creepy and untrustworthy but you don’t exactly have any other choice and she’s right behind you and you’re not sure if this counts as a heroic death but you really don’t want to find out and there’s the exit…

As you dash out of Echidna’s lair, you clutch the Captcharoid Camera to your chest. Your weird guide laid out what sounded like a good plan at the time. First, you’d use the code he gave you to make the camera so you could obtain captcha codes easily. Then you’d go to the Land of Factories and Frogs and take a picture of the denizen Echidna. That code would let you make the Quills of Echidna, the final element necessary to perform a scratch.

What he didn’t tell you was that you were sneaking into the home of a giant spiky snake monster who doesn’t like visitors.

It looks like you’re finally safe. She won’t leave her hole. Enormous gusts of her hot breath rush out, but she’s clearly staying put.

\-- siliconSwashbuckler [SS] began badgering anonymousAdvisor [AA] \--

SS: You could have told me I was pissing off a giant snake thing!  
AA: Echidna is the mother of monsters. I assumed you were well versed in classical mythology.  
SS: The only echidna I know of is a red guy who punches things and shows up in games that stopped being good years ago.  
AA: My apologies. Did you succeed?  
SS: Yeah, I took the picture.  
SS: I’ve got a code now.  
AA: Wonderful. You’ll need to alchemitize that.

You enter the return gate and travel back to your home. The island hasn’t changed at all in the past month. Waves still lap at the shore, filling the air with the scent of salt. Seeing this place again stirs something within your chest.

SS: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I kind of missed this place.  
SS: Will it come back after the scratch?  
SS: It’s my planet, right? Do I get a different one, or will I come back here?  
AA: I’m afraid that is beyond my knowledge.  
AA: Skaia works as it wills, and it tells its secrets to no one.  
AA: It’s of no particular consequence, though.  
AA: You have completed your quest and reached god tier. As you are neither a Time nor a Space player, those two objectives are the purpose of your planet.  
SS: I guess.  
SS: I get another sprite, too.  
AA: Correct. And you will have the foreknowledge to choose a more productive prototype.  
SS: …There’s something seriously wrong with me.  
SS: I almost thought that I was going to miss that idiot.  
SS: I’m going to get to work.

You head back up to your mom’s room. The house is surprisingly untouched. Part of you thought that there would be imps camped out eating out of your fridge and playing your consoles, but it looks like they left the island alone after you left. Maybe they have their own hideout with weird imp games.

SS: Uh… crap.  
SS: These are stupid expensive.  
AA: They are a weapon of legend and an integral part of resetting the game state.  
SS: I don’t have enough grist, even after a whole month of grinding.  
AA: There is enough in your shared storage.  
SS: I don’t really feel comfortable spending everyone’s grist on one weapon, even if it’s that good.  
AA: All of that grist would be lost in the scratch regardless. And your friends will not remember it.  
SS: …I’m kind of getting cold feet about this. Are they really going to be okay besides forgetting everything?  
AA: Yes. The scratch will not harm them.  
AA: And it is the only option for you to secure a second chance at Miss Orrin’s affections.  
AA: That is what you want, is it not?  
SS: You’re right.

You empty the entire Slopbox. The Alchemiter chugs for a few minutes, and then the top floor of your house explodes. Sitting in the wreckage of your mom’s room is an enormous pair of pearly white needles with jagged edges. They have be at least three stories tall.

SS: Woah.  
AA: Indeed.  
SS: Uh, so what do I do now?  
AA: You have additional space in your Strife Portfolio, yes?  
SS: Yeah. I was thinking about making a gun to fit in the holster of my coat.  
AA: Apply the Quills instead. You will need the Needlekind specibus to operate the scratch construct.  
SS: Aw man. Alright.

The Quills vanish into your Portfolio, leaving you in the middle of the hole in your house.

AA: Time is of the essence, Mister Garrison.  
AA: Your window is closing.  
SS: Alright. I just want a moment to take a last look. If I never come back here, I still want to remember it.  
AA: Very well. But don’t let your nostalgia compromise your resolve.  
SS: Don’t worry. I’m committed.  
SS: I’m going to fix everything.


	60. Chapter 60

STEPHSPRITE: ♥ Okay! This is it! ♥  
STEPHANIE: This one? It’s just like all the others.  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ I’m sure of it! ♥

You stare at a mirror that is utterly unassuming. Nothing differentiates from the hundreds – maybe even thousands – that you checked before. Dull metal frame, clean surface. How your sprite decided this particular mirror is beyond you.

With a shrug, you switch the Cleaver to yellow and draw.

光線

A beam of light strikes the reflective surface, cutting through the gloom around you.

Beyond a few feet, though, the light dies.

STEPHANIE: Nothing. This is the wrong mirror.  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ Huh? ♥  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ It can’t be! This is the mirror that points to all of the other ones! ♥  
STEPHANIE: Then why didn’t it work?  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ I don’t know! ♥

You sigh and drop to your knees, rolling the Cleaver between your fingers.

STEPHANIE: What’s the point of this anyway?  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ It’s part of learning to be a Knight of Void! ♥  
STEPHANIE: What?  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ That’s your role! As a Knight, you’re the best fighter ever! And you have power over Void, or nothingness! ♥  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ So you’re the hero of nothing! ♥  
STEPHANIE: …So you think I’m nothing.  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ Umm! ♥  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ Not exactly like that! ♥  
STEPHANIE: This whole quest was supposed to make me see how I’m the master of nothing.  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ Err! ♥  
STEPHANIE: …Fine.

You spin the mirror around. It pivots as though on an invisible string. Flicking the Cleaver to your favorite purple, you inscribe.

何か

Nanika.

Something.

STEPHANIE: I am not nothing.  
STEPHANIE: I am me.

You spin the mirror back and cast another ray.

The light that bounces back is blinding, and you slam your eyes closed. Even through your eyelids, the beam shines like the sun. You squeeze one eye slightly open and see the light travelling from mirror to mirror. Darkness evaporates like smoke as your beam races around the world. You marvel as the dull metal of each frame brightens until the air glitters like diamond.

It takes a few minutes for your eyes, weakened by weeks of shadow, to adjust to the light. As they do, you see a figure slumped against the back of a mirror.

STEPHANIE: James?  
JAMES: Go away.  
STEPHANIE: You look like shit.  
JAMES: I am shit. Go away.  
STEPHANIE: You aren’t shit.  
JAMES: I fucked everything up from the beginning.  
JAMES: I pissed off Steve and he won’t talk to us anymore.  
JAMES: I couldn’t even help with your quest.  
JAMES: Some Prince of Light I am.  
STEPHANIE: Prince of Light?  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ That’s his role! ♥  
STEPHANIE: What’s it mean?  
JAMES: It means I’m the biggest fuck-up in the goddamn world.  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ The Prince is a destroyer! And Light is about chance! ♥  
STEPHSPRITE: ♥ So Prince of Light would mean “destroyer of opportunity”! ♥  
JAMES: See?  
JAMES: All I do – all I ever do – is ruin things for everybody else. I get mad, or I do something stupid, and everybody has to clean up.  
JAMES: You would have been better off if I had been crushed by that meteor.  
STEPHANIE: …You know what my role is?  
JAMES: No.  
STEPHANIE: I’m the Knight of Void. It’s like “master of nothing”.  
STEPHANIE: But that’s not what I am. I’m not nothing.  
JAMES: I don’t think you’re nothing.  
STEPHANIE: James…  
STEPHANIE: Your role doesn’t have to be literal. It doesn’t define you.  
JAMES: What?  
STEPHANIE: The role doesn’t make us. We make it.  
STEPHANIE: I’m not master of nothing. I can create anything.  
STEPHANIE: So maybe you’re not the destroyer of opportunity.  
STEPHANIE: You’re like… I dunno. The monkey wrench that ruins our enemy’s plans or something.  
JAMES: …You really think so?  
STEPHANIE: Yeah. I think we couldn’t do this without you.

You offer him your hand. He takes it and pulls himself up. Your eyes meet his, and you stare into each other.

JAMES: I like you.  
STEPHANIE: I know.  
STEPHANIE: I’m in love with Steve.  
JAMES: I know.  
JAMES: …You’re a really good friend, Steph.  
STEPHANIE: You too, James.  
STEPHANIE: Let’s find the Gate back to your world. If completing my quest helped me, it’ll help you too.


	61. Chapter 61

It took you a month, but you’ve finally reached the belltower. You’ve had plenty of help along the way; Lord Castleton left his stately manor (as far as mouseholes go, it was the finest you’ve seen) to meet up with you and act as your guide. His company was much appreciated – by the fourth night, he even started to join you in nightly prayers. It made the monotonous journey considerably more enjoyable to have another traveler at your side, even if he wasn’t much of a conversationalist. You passed the time by telling him the stories of Lady Trumpington. He was such a good listener you resolved to write him into the next tale somehow.  
  
Perhaps it was for the best that you had to walk so far. You’re now in the best shape of your life, which makes climbing this interminable staircase manageable. Lord Castleton looks a little winded, so you decide to take a break. There isn’t any rush, as far as you know. All you have to do is climb the tower and ring the bell at the top.  
  
SARAHSPRITE: My stars, dearest! It has been far too long!  
ELIZABETH: Hello, Sarah. It has been quite a while, hasn’t it?  
SARAHSPRITE: You look marvelous, darling. And your fine new gentleman as well.  
BARTHOLOMEW: Squeak?  
ELIZABETH: Ah yes. Pardon me. Lady Sarah Trumpington, Lord Bartholomew Castleton.  
SARAHSPRITE: Charmed.  
  
The mouse takes her offered hand in his paw and raises it to his lips.  
  
SARAHSPRITE: Such a courteous young man!  
ELIZABETH: What brings you here, Sarah? I was under the impression that you were out spreading the Gospel.  
SARAHSPRITE: I was, dear, but you need me more here now.  
ELIZABETH: I do?  
SARAHSPRITE: Your quest draws to a close, dear. It is, without question, the most important event in the world.  
ELIZABETH: What exactly will happen when I ring this bell?  
SARAHSPRITE: A hero – or heroine – must complete his – or her, of course – personal quest to fully understand the role assigned by fate.  
ELIZABETH: I see.  
ELIZABETH: What is my role? I know Tiffany is the Seer of Time, and that appears to entail seeing alternate timelines.  
SARAHSPRITE: Your role is most important of all. You are the Sylph of Hope.  
ELIZABETH: So I am involved with hope in some way.  
ELIZABETH: I like it.  
SARAHSPRITE: When you ring the bell, everything will become clear. And it cannot happen a moment too soon!  
ELIZABETH: What do you mean?  
SARAHSPRITE: Your gentleman friend needs your help most desperately!  
ELIZABETH: Who?  
SARAHSPRITE: Up you get! Up, up, up!  
  
She hurries you up the stairs, waving a gloved hand to shoo you on. Terrible thoughts race through your mind as you climb. Did something happen to Greg? Or James? Heaven forbid, Steve?  
  
The staircase ends at a wooden door with a humble brass handle. You ease it open and walk out onto the belfry.  
  
From this height, you can see entirely across the Land of Hymns and Hearths. Your house is a small speck off in the distance. The altar where you held your first Mass is an even smaller dot, surrounded by tiny lines that must be pews. You’re even high enough that you can look down on the stained glass windows depicting Skaia and the inhabitants of Prospit and Derse. Up here, you can marvel at the intricacy of the craftsmanship that went into their construction.  
  
Over your head is the bell. It’s enormous – it has to weigh at least a ton. The surface has been polished to a mirror sheen, and the clapper is so large you wouldn’t be able to wrap your arms around it. A single rope dangles down for you to pull.  
  
ELIZABETH: What is this symbol on the floor?  
  
In the middle of the pale gold-colored stone of the belfry is a strange sigil in white. It looks like six swirls, mirrored down the center with three on each side. The two on top branch meet in the middle and then extend down to branch off in a V-shape at the bottom.  
  
SARAHSPRITE: Heavens me! It’s the symbol of Hope.  
ELIZABETH: So this is part of understanding my role.  
SARAHSPRITE: I… yes, dear. I believe you should stand there and ring the bell.  
ELIZABETH: Alright, I will.  
SARAHSPRITE: Wait just a moment, dear. I… I fear it will be too loud for Lord Castleton. I’ll just take him back down to enjoy it from the ground. Ring it once we reach the bottom.  
ELIZABETH: Okay.  
  
You watch your sprite place her arm in his and float down towards the ground. An odd look on her face gives you pause, but you brush it off. If she was right, one of your friends needs you now, and this is the only way to help.  
  
When you can no longer see the two of them, you grab the rope with both hands and pull with all your might.  
  
The ringing is beautiful. It sounds almost just like the bell on the church back home, its harmonious clangs calling all to joyous celebration. You close your eyes and bask in the vibrations running down your whole body, feeling a rush as you start to sway with the tones.  
  
This is just too much to take. You drop to your knees, overwhelmed by the sensation of being exactly where you need to be at the just the right moment. As you lay down, you know that everything is perfect, everything will be alright, you and your friends can do anything together.  
  
Your consciousness slips away just as the bell swings loose from its yoke and crushes you.


	62. Chapter 62

You finish securing the Quills in the arm over the Atomic Cymbal. Once you start it up, the Quills will scratch across the Cymbal’s surface, releasing all its temporal energy.  
  
\-- siliconSwashbuckler [SS] began badgering anonymousAdvisor [AA] \--  
  
SS: Okay, it’s ready.  
AA: Wonderful.  
AA: I suggest pausing a moment to ready yourself. The resistance you will face will test even your godhood.  
AA: It is imperative that you succeed here.  
SS: …Everything is going to stop existing.  
SS: Does that include you?  
AA: My part in this is merely to ensure that you successfully perform the scratch.  
AA: What happens after that is out of my hands. I am trusting that you will understand what to do afterward.  
SS: You’re not afraid to stop existing?  
AA: No.  
SS: …  
AA: Please get started, Mister Garrison.  
  
You pull out your staff and start going through the warmups you learned so long ago. Thrust, block, spin, plant foot and swing. Your muscles don’t really need stretching, but it’s comforting.  
  
What are you going to change when you go back?  
  
The obvious choice is to make sure that you don’t owe Greg anything. Maybe give James a reminder that morning to download the game so he can be your server.  
  
But you don’t have to do that. You could set things up so you become Tiffany’s server instead. Working with her more closely would give you a huge edge over Greg and let you have conversations that are cool and impress her.  
  
Could you change other things as well? Maybe you could make sure that your parents enter when you do so they don’t have to face danger on Derse. You’ll already be awake on Prospit, so you could handle waking up everyone else.  
  
…There’s so much that needs changing. You’ve made so many mistakes, and you’ll only have one chance to fix them all.  
  
ELIZABETH: Steve?  
ELIZABETH: What are you doing?  
  
You turn around.  
  
Liz is floating there. Her outfit is a muted gold (beige? You never did understand colors), and her hood extends two long droopy tips down the front. A white swirly symbol sits on her chest.  
  
She’s god tier too.  
  
STEVE: I…  
  
What do you do?  
  
If she’s god tier, then she’ll remember things after the scratch too. Is that a problem?  
  
STEVE: I’m…  
STEVE: I’m fixing everything.  
ELIZABETH: What?  
STEVE: I screwed it up. All of it.  
STEVE: Tiffany… and Greg… and…  
STEVE: I can reset the universe and do it right this time.  
STEVE: It won’t hurt anyone. They won’t remember.  
STEVE: Just us.  
STEVE: It'll be like none of this ever happened.  
STEVE: We get a second chance.  
  
She stares at you, her jaw dropping slightly.  
  
ELIZABETH: You…  
ELIZABETH: You’re going to erase everyone’s minds and undo all our progress?  
ELIZABETH: Everything we've learned?  
ELIZABETH: The hard work we've done?  
ELIZABETH: All of our sacrifice?  
ELIZABETH: Because Tiffany didn’t want to date you?  
STEVE: No!  
STEVE: It’s not that!  
ELIZABETH: Isn’t it?  
STEVE: I…  
  
She flits forward and slaps you.  
  
ELIZABETH: How dare you!  
STEVE: I messed all this up! I can fix it!  
STEVE: I have to fix it!  
ELIZABETH: Steve.  
ELIZABETH: I cannot believe you.  
ELIZABETH: You are more arrogant than Greg.  
STEVE: What?  
ELIZABETH: You think all of this revolves around you?  
STEVE: I…  
STEVE: I’m the reason that they got together in the first place.  
STEVE: If I had been cooler…  
STEVE: If I had been smarter…  
  
She slaps you again.  
  
ELIZABETH: Tiffany isn’t just some… stupid treasure in some game!  
ELIZABETH: You don’t do all the parts of the quest and win her!  
ELIZABETH: Tiffany chose to date Greg because she is a person with a mind of her own. She made a decision, and you have to respect it!  
ELIZABETH: Because she is your friend!  
  
You don’t need the slap this time. Your whole face burns already.  
  
AA: Mister Garrison.  
  
The sudden message on your iPatch is a jolt.  
  
AA: You must not listen to her.  
SS: But…  
AA: This is part of the Medium’s attempts to resist you. It has placed her here to break your resolve.  
SS: …Should I really be doing this?  
AA: You must!  
AA: She is a danger, particularly as she has also reached god tier.  
AA: I told you that this would require you to steel your nerves and make sacrifices.  
AA: You must eliminate her.  
  
Now it’s your jaw that’s dropping.  
  
SS: What?!  
AA: She is attempting to impede you in your most vital duty.  
AA: It would count as a Just death.  
AA: As a Sylph, her powers are no match for your own. You must strike her down and finish what you started.  
SS: …Dear god.  
SS: You’re insane.  
SS: No. You’re evil.  
AA: I am your only friend, Mister Garrison!  
AA: I am the only one who seeks to see you achieve your dreams!  
AA: I alone want what’s best for you!  
AA: PERFORM THE SCRATCH MISTER GARRISON  
  
Your hands are shaking, and your vision is starting to blur.  
  
SS: You’ve been lying to me all along, haven’t you?  
SS: What does this really do?  
AA: I HAVE TOLD YOU NO LIES  
AA: THIS WILL RESEST YOUR SESSION AND GIVE YOU THE SECOND CHANCE YOU SO DESPERATELY CRAVE  
AA: BUT ONLY IF YOU REMOVE THAT GIRL  
AA: AND  
AA: PERFORM  
AA: THE  
AA: SCRATCH  
  
You blink away tears, but they just keep coming.  
  
STEVE: Liz…  
STEVE: I screwed up again.  
STEVE: It’s me… I’m the one who went crazy.  
  
She moves forward again, and you steel yourself for another deserved slap.  
  
Her arms wrap around you, and she paps you on the back as you bury your face in her shoulder.  
  
ELIZABETH: It’s okay, Steve.  
ELIZABETH: You’ll be okay.  
  
You spend a few minutes there, just holding each other.  
  
STEVE: I’m so sorry, Liz. I…  
ELIZABETH: Shoosh.  
ELIZABETH: You get knocked down, and then you get up again.  
STEVE: …Okay.  
STEVE: I think I need help.  
ELIZABETH: I know.  
ELIZABETH: But that’s why we’re all here.  
STEVE: What do I do?  
ELIZABETH: I don’t know.  
ELIZABETH: But we’ll find out together.  
  
She breaks the embrace and tries to straighten your hair.  
  
ELIZABETH: Did you complete your quest? I completed mine, and it helped me.  
STEVE: I…  
STEVE: I don’t know.  
STEVE: I thought I did, but now I’m not sure. The guy who was giving me instructions may be evil.  
STEVE: In fact, now that I think about it, I think it might have all been a trap.  
ELIZABETH: Why don’t you return to your world and try again?  
ELIZABETH: There must be something that can tell you what you need to do.  
STEVE: …I think there is.  
STEVE: And I owe him an apology.  
  
She nods and gives you a gentle push toward the gate.  
  
STEVE: …I…  
STEVE: Liz, you…  
ELIZABETH: Steve. It’s my job to support you no matter what.  
ELIZABETH: I’m the Sylph of Hope.  
ELIZABETH: But more importantly, I’m your friend.  
ELIZABETH: Now get going.  
  
As you fly over to the gate, you look back into your iPatch.  
  
AA: THIS WILL NOT STAND MISTER GARRISON  
AA: I HAVE NEVER FAILED  
AA: AND YOU WILL NOT STOP THIS FROM HAPPENING  
SS: You’ve done too much damage already.  
SS: It’s time I started listening to my real friends and do something I should have done a long time ago.  
  
\-- siliconSwashbuckler [SS] blocked anonymousAdvisor [AA] \--


	63. Chapter 63

A SMOOTH OPERATOR is prepared for anything.

But you were not at all prepared for how slippery your dad's blood would be.

He gasps with every step, which makes you want to slow down. Any time you stop, however, he wheezes out a command to keep moving. All you can do is haul him as quickly as possible.

The Miles tear through the palace behind you. It took you and Tiffany a tremendous effort to distract the Black Queen long enough for your dad to slip away. Tiff is a ways behind you, using her temporal sight to dodge red tendrils of destruction and keep the Queen's attention. At this point, she's even better than you are. She could probably kick your ass twelve ways to Sunday.

And she's your girlfriend now.

That's goddamn awesome.

You drag your dad around the corner and down the front steps. The guard has already scattered; according to Tiff, James' grandfather has them so scared they won't leave their barracks. It's a good thing - there's no way your dad could stand on his own, and you're good but not good enough to fight with two hundred pounds of dead weight.

All your Eagle Scout first aid training isn't much help against these kinds of wounds. You can tell just by looking that he's probably never going to use his left arm again, and you're going to need to get him immediate help if he's going to keep his legs. Liz has the most medical knowledge - you'll even put up with her meddling and accusing questions if it saves your dad.

His breathing is even more ragged as you pull him into the open street. You press against the largest open wound, trying to keep him stable.

DAD: Pressure... keep the wound elevated...  
GREG: I know, Dad. I have you.

His arm slips from the gash at his side, and you shift to try to cover that one too.

TIFFANY: Greg!  
TIFFANY: She’s almost here!

Your girlfriend sprints out of the palace, the Miles licking at her feet.

TIFFANY: We have to get out of here!  
GREG: I know! I’m working on it!

The two of you can just wake up and you’ll be okay, but your dad doesn’t have a dreamself.

GREG: Can you see something in one of the other timelines?  
TIFFANY: I don’t know! I just keep seeing us dying!  
TIFFANY: Can you do some sort of spacey thing?  
GREG: How will winning an Oscar help?  
TIFFANY: Not funny, Greg!

You concentrate as hard as you can.

Space.

Some sort of space thing.

You’re the hero of space. You have to have some sort of space power. Tiffany has time powers. You have to have space powers.

A SMOOTH OPERATOR would have space powers.

The Black Queen steps onto the top stair. Her face is wide with the most wicked grin you’ve ever seen.

Your dad needs you to have space powers.

Everything goes black.

You’re standing on the hill on the Land of Salts and Sonance beneath the gate back to your world. Tiffany’s there in front of you, and your dad is still on your arm.

TIFFANY: What... happened?  
DAD: Space... motion... position...

He finally collapses.

GREG: DAD!

Tiffany rushes over, and the two of you each grab one of his hands.

GREG: Stay with me, Dad.  
DAD: Greg...  
GREG: I’m here.  
DAD: Taught you... everything...  
GREG: Yeah, Dad. You taught me everything. I wouldn’t be half what I am without you.  
DAD: No...  
DAD: So much... better...  
DAD: Best of... Carsten name...  
DAD: Make me... so proud...  
DAD: So proud of you, Greg.

His hand slips out of yours.

It seems like hours before the tears stop.

TIFFANY: ...Greg?  
GREG: I’m okay.

She wraps her arms around you, and your legs give out.

It’s even later when you finally lift your head from her shoulder.

GREG: So.  
GREG: We’re not done.  
TIFFANY: ...No, we’re not.  
GREG: We have to breed the frogs on my planet.  
TIFFANY: Yeah. But that’s going to take a while.  
GREG: I have time.  
TIFFANY: ...Um.  
TIFFANY: I have a shortcut.  
TIFFANY: But I don’t know if you want to hear it.  
GREG: ...My dad said shortcuts were never worth it. You don’t grow if you don’t push yourself.  
TIFFANY: Okay.  
GREG: ...No. What is it?  
TIFFANY: Are you sure?  
GREG: I won’t lose anyone else because we were too slow.  
TIFFANY: ...There’s a level above what we can do normally.  
TIFFANY: God tier.  
GREG: What do we have to do?  
TIFFANY: Um.  
TIFFANY: ..Follow me.

She leads you across the plains, past the mounds of crystals, until you finally reach a red stone slab with raised corners.

TIFFANY: This is my Quest Bed.  
GREG: So you need to sleep on it.  
TIFFANY: No, Greg.  
TIFFANY: I have to die on it.  
GREG: No.

She takes your hands and kisses you before looking into your eyes.

TIFFANY: My other self will reach god tier.  
TIFFANY: You can use your space powers to move it here.  
TIFFANY: I won’t really be dead.  
GREG: ...I’m not going to lose you.  
TIFFANY: You won’t.  
TIFFANY: I promise.

You stare into her beautiful green eyes. She’s got the best figure you’ve ever seen, curvy in all the right places but still muscular, but it’s her eyes that are easily her best feature. You could get lost in her eyes.

Almost without thinking, you move her other body to rest beside the stone.

GREG: You’re sure.  
TIFFANY: Yes.  
GREG: Absolutely sure.  
TIFFANY: I am.  
GREG: ...You’re really sure.

She kisses you again, and you hold it until neither of you can breathe.

Then she steps back, and you slide the Hidden Chainblade from its sheath in your arm.

GREG: ...I love you, Tiffany.  
TIFFANY: I love you too.

The blade slides effortlessly across her neck.


	64. Chapter 64

Even though you know it won’t last, it’s still hard to hit Greg with your Toxic Truncheon. You have to close your eyes as the bonds connecting his molecules fizzle, the electrons scattered by the intense energy of your crop. In moments, there’s only a pile of goo oozing on his Quest Bed. There’s a few strands of gorgeous blonde hair sitting atop the refuse, which kind of makes it worse.

Watching him ascend is a lot better.

Brightly colored moths flit away from the iridescent bulbs glowing on the weird machines making up the planet. They swirl around his glowing, floating hot body as it transforms.

...His god tier outfit is kind of the best.

It’s all black, which really looks good on him. The white Space symbol stands out on his chest, and the ridiculously long hood trails behind him. It has to be like twenty feet long. On somebody else, it would probably look really silly. They would trip over it, and it would completely ruin the effect. But on Greg, it’s perfect. He has the confidence to fill the whole thing, and rather than looking like he’s wearing a dumb hood that’s too big for him he looks like he finally has something that’s the right size. All of his charm and intelligence and heart fill out the outfit until he looks like he was born to wear it.

GREG: ...Woah.  
TIFFANY: It’s weird, isn’t it?  
GREG: I...  
GREG: I understand everything.  
GREG: All the mysteries of physics. Quantum motion, uncertainty, the interaction of quarks...  
GREG: Everything fits.  
GREG: It always fit.

You are so totally jealous.

TIFFANY: So, um.  
TIFFANY: We should totally start on those frogs.

They’ve been hopping around and ruining the mood since you got here. If they weren’t so important, you’d try to get rid of them. Croaking is only romantic if you’re riding a gondola down a sunset river surrounded by fireflies.

GREG: Right.  
GREG: ...I have to admit, I’m not exactly sure how to do this.  
GREG: I didn’t pay that much attention in biology. It’s the softest of the sciences.  
TIFFANY: Eww!  
TIFFANY: We don’t actually make them do it!

You try desperately to suppress the image of amphibians getting intimate. It’s probably the grossest thing ever.

TIFFANY: There’s a machine we have to find.

Your temporal sight leads you along one of the mechanical roads. After a short walk, you reach the Ectobiology Lab. There are six large empty vats positioned around a circular pad and a computer terminal.

TIFFANY: Okay.  
TIFFANY: So, we can use this to combine the frogs’ DNA.  
GREG: It appears to be similar to the Alchemiter. I assume it operates similarly - we combine the frogs through a game mechanic.  
TIFFANY: Yeah, kind of.  
TIFFANY: That computer lets you target one specific frog. If you try to teleport it in a way that would cause a paradox - like if you tried to send it five minutes ago even though we see it now - it’ll make a paradox clone out of its DNA.  
TIFFANY: We need to collect that from every frog on the planet.  
GREG: ...That could take weeks. Possibly even months.  
TIFFANY: But now that we’re god tier, I have a shortcut.  
TIFFANY: I can just tell you what coordinates to punch in to get the paradox slime.  
TIFFANY: We’ll make our alternate selves do all the work.  
GREG: It will still take at least a day.  
TIFFANY: Probably.  
TIFFANY: You don’t mind spending a day with me, do you?  
GREG: This may be forward, but I intended to spend the rest of our lives together.

!!!!!

TIFFANY: GREG!  
GREG: Tiffany.  
TIFFANY: That’s... kind of soon!  
TIFFANY: I mean, we just started dating!  
GREG: ...You’re right. We’ll wait on that.

Good. Right now you’d probably say yes.

...Is that such a bad thing?

He’s one of your best friends. You’ve known each other since middle school, and you still totally think he’s the best guy ever.

Okay, so you don’t have to decide now. You do have a long time to decide.

TIFFANY: Okay, I’ll just tell you where to point it. That still saves us a bunch of time.  
GREG: Then you take the reins.  
TIFFANY: Hee hee!


	65. Chapter 65

Dying doesn’t hurt as much as you thought it would.

Sure, you don’t really remember it. That happened to your other self. Still, you’re pretty sure that you should have felt more. Maybe the Calligrapher’s Cutlass is better than you thought. It’s no match for the Chromatic Cleaver, but that doesn’t work for him. Now you understand why – the power never came from the Cleaver at all.

JAMES: ...That is the weirdest shit I’ve ever seen.

You have to admit that dying and becoming more powerful is something you’ve never seen outside of Star Wars. If it hadn’t just happened to you, you probably wouldn’t have believed it.

STEPHANIE: ...It’s weird.  
STEPHANIE: I think I understand nothing better than ever.  
JAMES: So becoming a god made you dumber?  
JAMES: I’m not surprised. I always knew religion rots your brain.

Maybe reaching god tier will make his jokes not suck.

He’s the last one who hasn’t ascended. Greg and Tiffany have been moving everyone’s dreamselves to their Quest Beds, so you can revive right there. They’re supposedly busy right now doing something with frogs, but you think they’re probably just having sloppy makeouts.

You’re happy about that. Sure, it’s good that your friends are happy together, and you want them to be happy. It’s been a really long time coming, and you’re kind of shocked that it took this long.

But it also means that maybe Steve will finally open his eyes.

You almost feel like you have the confidence to just tell him outright.

Maybe you’ll wait for the right moment, though.

JAMES: Okay, so. We ready to head back and kill me now?  
JAMES: Man that is fucking weird to say.  
JAMES: Like I should call a hotline.  
JAMES: Hey, I’m about to have my friend cut off my head so I can become a god.  
JAMES: They’d be like, “Holy shit.”  
JAMES: And I’d be like, “Nah, not until after dinner.”

The vibration of the Illustrator’s Interface is a welcome distraction.

\-- anonymousAdvisor [AA] began badgering intenseImpressionist [II] \--

AA: I may not be able to see you, Miss Nestore, but I know I can still contact you.  
AA: You believe that your godhood will protect you.  
AA: I will take pleasure in robbing you of that foolish arrogance.  
II: steve and liz already told me about you  
II: Im not listening  
AA: I will kill him.  
II: what?  
AA: I will obtain his mother and force him into an impossible fight to protect her.  
AA: It will be a Heroic death, and he will be gone.  
II: dont you dare  
AA: And your only recourse to save your beloved will be to complete the scratch.  
AA: I have never failed, Miss Nestore, and I will not fail now.  
II: I wont let you  
AA: You will perform this scratch one way or another. Whether Mister Garrison suffers a painful death is your choice.  
AA: But I warn you.  
AA: My patience wears very thin.

\-- anonymousAdvisor [AA] ceased badgering intenseImpressionist [II] \--

Just calm down. You can do this.

But you could use a little help.

\-- intenseImpressionist [II] began badgering phaithfulPhysician [PP] \--

II: liz  
PP: Hello, Stephanie. I understand you completed your quest and your ascension.  
PP: Congratulations! I’m proud of you.  
II: I just talked to that white text guy  
PP: Oh dear. I hope you didn’t take any advice from him.  
II: he said hes going to kill steve unless we do the scratch  
PP: …  
PP: That is a problem.  
PP: Did he say anything else? We still don’t know why he’s so insistent.  
II: no  
PP: Tiffany confirmed that the scratch does exactly what he claimed it would do. How does that benefit him? What are his goals?  
II: I dunno  
II: but we have to protect steve  
PP: Agreed. Did he give any clue as to how he intended to hurt Steve?  
II: he said hed hurt steves mom and make him die a heroic death  
PP: Well. I suppose we could have Greg move her to safety. I’d prefer not to disrupt his work, though. The sooner he finishes the Genesis Frog, the sooner we can complete this.  
PP: Do you have any ideas?  
II: umm  
II: he did say something weird  
PP: I was under the impression that weird was his modus operandi.  
II: he said he couldnt see me  
PP: …That is weird.  
PP: He clearly has, if not omniscience, very extensive surveillance.  
II: do you think its part of my role?  
PP: You’re the Knight of Void, yes?  
PP: It could very well be that you are invisible to him.  
PP: …Maybe we can use that to our advantage.  
II: you want me to try to find him and sneak in and stop him?  
PP: I worry that we don’t have the time, and we don’t even know where to start.  
PP: No, I think you should go directly to Steve and keep him safe.  
II: okay  
PP: I know he could use some company right now.  
PP: And I think there’s no one better for that than you.  
II: okay  
II: I get it  
II: Ill try to be brave  
PP: You can do it, Stephanie.  
PP: Good luck.

\-- intenseImpressionist [II] ceased badgering phaithfulPhysician [PP] \--

JAMES: Yo. You ready?  
STEPHANIE: I have to go. Steve’s in trouble.  
JAMES: Shit. Okay, let’s go.  
STEPHANIE: No. You need to go to your Quest Bed.  
STEPHANIE: I’m the only one who can do this.  
JAMES: …Okay, if you say so.  
JAMES: I guess I can kill myself.  
STEPHANIE: Be careful, James.  
JAMES: You too.

He turns to leave, and you do the same.

JAMES: Oh, Steph?  
JAMES: When you see Steve, tell him he’s a dumb asshole, and I’m sorry that I am too.  
JAMES: And then tell him you love him.  
STEPHANIE: …I’ll try.  
JAMES: You can do it. You’re awesome.

He gives you a bittersweet smile as he steps through the portal.

You steel your courage and walk through your own.


	66. Chapter 66

The scent of salt is soothing as you land back on the sand. You are really glad that you won’t lose this place. Sure, the consorts are terrible, and you’re sunburned on every exposed inch of skin, and you’re still not quite over your seasickness, but it really is a tropical paradise. The scurvy dogs of legend sailed seas like these, trying to eke out a slice of the world where they answered to no one, where every man was his own master and owned whatever he could take and keep. Seeing this place, seeing the waves lapping the shores and the untamed jungles claiming the sands, you can see why it would be worth fighting for.  
  
It’s too bad you lost the Flying Shadow. She didn’t survive the fight with the giant robots after your ascension. It would have been nice to try to patch her holes and smooth out her bumps and turn her from a splintery deathtrap into a seaworthy schooner.  
  
Well, you’ll just have to fly instead.  
  
As you soar upward, you peer out over the sparkling waters. The whirlpools that break up the monotony of the ocean churn, and you glide over one and stare down into its gaping maw. Were they actually portals that cut across the planet, or was that part of the white text guy’s trick?  
  
…No, they weren’t. He definitely said that he couldn’t manipulate you while you were conscious, and everything he did supported that. They really are just a weird quirk that makes the Land of Tides and Trials what it is.  
  
Just like before, you don’t see anything that would make one particular island special. You won’t be able to do this alone.  
  
Well, you’ve been putting this off long enough.  
  
You draw the spirograph necklace from your Sylladex.  
  
STEVE: Hey, Fluke Nukem. Where are you?  
ACTIONSPRITE: NUCLEAR LAUNCH DETECTED  
  
A glint in the sky rockets down, and your idiot of a sprite crashes into the sand.  
  
ACTIONSPRITE: ACTIONSPRITE HAS JOINED YOUR PARTY!  
ACTIONSPRITE: GIVE A NICKNAME TO ACTIONSPRITE?  
STEVE: I… can’t believe this, but I’m glad you’re back.  
ACTIONSPRITE: NICKNAMES CANNOT BE LONGER THAN SEVEN LETTERS  
ACTIONSPRITE: GIVE A NICKNAME TO ACTIONSPRITE?  
STEVE: Don’t push it.  
  
He grins.  
  
STEVE: So… I guess I’m sorry. I was kind of a dick to you, and all you wanted was to help.  
ACTIONSPRITE: GOOD MEN MEAN WELL  
ACTIONSPRITE: WE JUST DON’T ALWAYS END UP DOING WELL  
STEVE: Yeah.  
STEVE: I shouldn’t have kicked you out like that.  
STEVE: I was so desperate for what I thought I wanted that I pushed everyone away.  
STEVE: So, I’m sorry.  
ACTIONSPRITE: NO ONE CAN CHANGE THE PAST  
ACTIONSPRITE: THE ONLY THING WE CAN DO IS STRIVE TO MAKE UP FOR OUR MISTAKES  
STEVE: Uh…  
STEVE: Is that “apology accepted”?  
ACTIONSPRITE: THERE’S NO USE CRYING OVER EVERY MISTAKE  
ACTIONSPRITE: YOU JUST KEEP ON TRYING UNTIL YOU RUN OUT-  
STEVE: Okay, enough of that.  
ACTIONSPRITE: I’M GLAD YOU’RE BACK STEVE  
  
He sticks out a beefy hand, and you give it a firm shake.  
  
STEVE: So. I think I already know the answer to this, but I haven’t completed my quest, have I?  
ACTIONSPRITE: NO  
STEVE: That chest and the screen were just part of his trick.  
STEVE: Can you help me find the real treasure?  
ACTIONSPRITE: LET’S-A GO  
  
He zips off through the air, and you follow directly on his… well, he doesn’t have heels, so his weird ghostly sprite tail. The path you follow zig-zags, flitting between islands and whirlpools. His speed is incredible, far greater than you had ever seen him display before, and it’s just as incredible that you can keep up.  
  
As you both start to slow, you see the island ahead. It has the first structure you’ve seen on the planet, a stone ziggurat flanked by carved totem poles. You don’t know how you failed to see it before; you’re pretty sure that you recognize the islands nearby from your month-long wild goose chase.  
  
He lands at the start of the path leading to the pyramid, so you do to. The stones are cool as your feet touch down on them. You stopped wearing shoes during your sailing expedition after the first few waves made your every step squelch.  
  
STEVE: Why did we stop?  
ACTIONSPRITE: THE TREASURE LIES AT THE TOP OF THE PYRAMID  
STEVE: Okay. Let’s go up.  
ACTIONSPRITE: AS A HERO OF HEART, YOU WALK THE PATH OF SELF  
  
It doesn’t look too far. If he wants you to climb up on your own feet, you can oblige.  
  
STEPHANIE: Steve?  
  
You turn around just as she throws her arms around, and you return the hug with a smile.  
  
STEVE: Hey, Steph.  
  
Her outfit is a deep blue (cerulean? Indigo? Wait, that’s more like purple), with a hood and long pants. When you step back, you can see a circular swirly pattern on her shirt.  
  
STEVE: So you’re god tier too?  
STEPHANIE: Yeah. Knight of Void.  
STEVE: That’s awesome. Way better than Page of Heart.  
STEPHANIE: Let me see your god suit.  
  
Your face burns.  
  
STEVE: Uh…  
STEVE: You don’t want to see it.  
STEVE: It’s really dumb.  
STEPHANIE: I bet it’s part of your quest. You have to wear it.  
STEVE: No way!  
  
The corners of her mouth creep up.  
  
STEPHANIE: Hey sprite.  
STEPHANIE: The god tier outfit is part of the quest, isn’t it?  
ACTIONSPRITE: UH  
ACTIONSPRITE: I AM ERROR  
STEPHANIE: That means yes.  
STEPHANIE: Put it on, Steve.  
  
You keep staring into her wide eyes. Those circle-rimmed glasses magnify them, and you can see that sparkle they get when she starts smiling.  
  
STEVE: …Crap.

Sighing, you close your eyes, and the Captain’s Accoutrements switch to the stupid pink shirt and embarrassingly small leggings.  
  
STEPHANIE: …Woah.  
STEVE: Augh it’s so stupid!  
  
You wince as you see her gaze drop to your bare legs. The heat in your cheeks is scalding.  
  
STEVE: Okay, I am changing now.  
STEPHANIE: No!  
STEPHANIE: I mean, you have to keep wearing it for your quest.  
STEVE: …Fine.  
STEVE: I’ll be right back. I just have to go up there.  
STEPHANIE: I’m coming too.  
STEVE: What?  
STEPHANIE: That guy with the white text said he was going to kill you.  
STEPHANIE: I’m invisible to him, so I’m staying with you.  
STEVE: …Well, okay, but I don’t think you’re allowed.  
STEVE: As a Hero of Heart, I have to walk the path of self, or something like that.  
ACTIONSPRITE: THAT IS CORRECT  
STEPHANIE: You have to walk the path of self? What does that mean?  
STEVE: …I don’t actually know. I think it means I have to learn to stand up for myself or something. That sounds like the kind of dumb moral this quest would have.  
STEPHANIE: Well, you have to walk the path of self, but you don’t have to walk it alone, do you?  
STEVE: …I guess not.  
  
She gives you a gentle shove, and you start walking. Stephanie stays in step with you.  
  
STEVE: So what was your quest?  
STEPHANIE: It was kind of the same thing. Learning to stand up for myself and that I’m not nothing.  
STEVE: Well geez, I could have told you that.  
  
You climb the tiered steps up the ziggurat, trying to ignore your bare legs. Somehow all the hair on them has disappeared. It’s kind of disquieting.  
  
At the top of the pyramid is an altar. Etched into the sides are the same heart symbol as on your chest.  
  
STEVE: What… what is this?  
  
On the top of the altar is a sheet of notebook paper. You pick it up.  
  
It’s a drawing.  
  
STEVE: This…  
  
It’s a starry moonlight night on a pier – it looks like the one from your yearly beach weeks. There’s a bench – you’ve eaten lunch on it before – and you’re sitting on it. Stephanie’s sitting beside you, with her head on your shoulder, and you’re holding her hand. She’s smiling, and she’s beautiful.  
  
STEVE: You… drew this, didn’t you?  
  
She takes one look at it and turns as red as you are.  
  
STEPHANIE: How did that...  
STEPHANIE: But I…  
STEPHANIE: That can’t…  
  
A shiver runs through you.  
  
STEVE: …This is the picture you used for your sprite, isn’t it?  
STEPHANIE: Uh…  
  
Dear god.  
  
You are such an idiot.  
  
STEVE: You… didn’t want yourself as a sprite.  
STEVE: You wanted me.  
STEVE: I am so stupid.  
  
She snatches the paper from your hand.  
  
STEPHANIE: No you aren’t!  
STEPHANIE: You’re a genius!  
STEPHANIE: And you’re nice – maybe even nicer than Liz.  
STEPHANIE: And funny, unlike James.  
STEPHANIE: Steve, you shouldn’t be jealous of Greg.  
STEPHANIE: You don’t need to go on a quest to see how great you are.  
STEPHANIE: We all know. You’re the best person out of any of us.  
STEPHANIE: That’s why we follow you as our leader.  
STEPHANIE: And…  
STEPHANIE: That’s why I love you.  
  
You stare into those sparkling eyes made large by silver glasses, into the eyes of the person who always listens to what you have to say and says more back, into the eyes of the friend who always has a clever quip or an interesting story and makes every day interesting, into the eyes of the girl whose charm and beauty and wit light every dark corner of your life.  
  
And you pull her in for the fiercest kiss in paradox space.  
  
ACTIONSPRITE: ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED  
ACTIONSPRITE: PARAMOUR  
  
You pull back for a second.  
  
STEVE: Hang on. I’m going to go kill him.  
STEPHANIE: No.  
  
Then she pulls you back in, and you both lose yourselves.


	67. Chapter 67

SHONENSPRITE: SENSEEEEI!  
SHONENSPRITE: YOU’RE BAAAAAACK!  
JAMES: Yo.  
  
You’ve got a welcoming party waiting for you on this side of the Gate. While you were away, your sprite and consorts have been busy. You left them with the scrap of one robot, and it looks like they kept going. It must have been your sprite who got them the rest of the material they needed.  
  
Wolves scamper up the scaffolding around the red and blue mech, toolboxes in their mouths. They use their freakishly flexible paws to hammer and ratchet pieces, adjusting the joints and calibrating the controls. The mech is huge, probably at least ten stories tall, and it’s surprisingly polished in this dusty wasteland. In place of the head sits a cockpit with a clear dome shield, giving the pilot full views of every angle. The torso is a giant face, with yellow eyes and a grimly set mouth. You don’t know how they got the design – maybe your sprite tapped into the pure essence of anime – but it couldn’t be more perfect.  
  
JAMES: That…  
JAMES: Is…  
JAMES: BADASS!  
SHONENSPRITE: KYAAAA!  
  
You indulge your sprite and strike a pose with him.  
  
JAMES: Alright. Let’s fucking do this.  
  
You dash up the scaffolding, scattering wolves as you switch back to your favorite vanilla glove. Behind you, your sprite shouts and follows you up. The clear dome parts down the middle, and you slide into the seat. A set of levers and buttons rotates to meet your hands. You’ve never touched them before, but you instinctively know exactly what to do. It’s like you were born for this.  
  
SHONENSPRITE: OKAY SENSEEEEEEI!  
SHONENSPRITE: WE HAVE TO KILL THE MONSTER THAT THREATENS THIS WOOOOORLD!  
JAMES: Fuck yeah we do.  
JAMES: But first we have to find my Quest Bed so I can off myself.  
SHONENSPRITE: OKAAAAAAY!  
  
He starts off across the rust-colored plains. You pull the levers, and your mech starts sprinting after him. Each step shakes the ground as metric fucktons of metal pound the dirt. Outcroppings of rock zoom by at breakneck speeds. It’s a little weird that you don’t see any other figures as you go; your mech isn’t big enough to use up the parts of all the robots you saw back when you were exploring.  
  
SHONENSPRITE: OKAAAAAAY!  
  
You bring the mech to a stop in front of your sleeping dreamself. Looking down at yourself asleep from the cockpit of a giant robot is fucked up.  
  
JAMES: Hey spiky dude. Will you do the honors?  
SHONENSPRITE: OKAAAAAAAY!  
  
The robot bends down so you can step out onto the yellow stone slab, and your sprite floats onto the seat in your place.  
  
JAMES: Okay, give me a second to get r-  
  
You’re floating, iridescent beetles swirling around you. It takes you a second to get your bearings.  
  
JAMES: Goddamnit, I said I wasn’t ready!  
SHONENSPRITE: SORRY SENSEIIIIII!  
  
As you fly up to the cockpit, you flip him off. Stupid spiky haired shouting asshole killing you before you say it’s okay.  
  
You definitely got stiffed in the wardrobe department too. The cape is kind of cool, if too short, but you’re wearing fucking tights. Prince your ass.  
  
JAMES: Okay, where’s this monster we’re fighting?  
SHONENSPRITE: HEPHAESTUS WAITS IN HIS FOOOOOOORGE!  
JAMES: And where’s that, shitforbrains?  
SHONENSPRITE: FOLLOW MEEEEEEE!  
  
He zooms off, and you slam your robot into overdrive after him. Once again, you see nothing worth notice.  
  
Until you find the forge guards.  
  
JAMES: HOLY SHIT!  
  
You figured out where all the missing robots went.  
  
They’re standing in formation at the mouth of the cave, hands balled in fists in front of their chests. It’s a wall of metal between you and your goal.  
  
JAMES: Alright, motherfuckers.  
JAMES: WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM?!  
  
Your voice carries through an unseen speaker, blaring out over the horde before you. It’s goddamn awesome until you realize that it was your sprite shouting the words.  
  
The gleaming guardians stand impassively for a moment.  
  
Then, in one motion, they part, leaving you a clear path in.  
  
JAMES: James Motherfucking Stelios, that’s right.  
  
The heat is intense as you pilot your mech in. Flames race up and down the walls, and you can hear the rhythmic pounding of metal on metal. A quick search for some sort of A/C comes up empty.  
  
JAMES: ...Damn.  
  
You open the clear dome and stare at Hephaestus.  
  
JAMES: ...What?  
  
It’s like your ears and your mind heard two different things. You’re positive that the sounds it uttered were completely alien, deep bellows, snarls, and roars. But you know exactly what he says.  
  
JAMES: A choice?  
  
Roar.  
  
JAMES: Right, The Choice.  
  
Roar.  
  
As lord of the forge, he’s offering to make you something.  
  
JAMES: Like what?  
  
Roar.  
  
You are Prince of Light, fated to the realm of chance.  
  
He will make you a luck charm.  
  
JAMES: Like a rabbit’s foot?  
JAMES: Uh...  
JAMES: I thought the god of the forge could make something better than a good luck charm.  
  
Roar.  
  
JAMES: Or a bad luck charm?  
  
Roar.  
  
So that’s the choice. Wait, The Choice. You can have a perfect good luck charm, or a perfect bad luck charm.  
  
JAMES: What do you mean, perfect?  
  
Roar.  
  
...Well shit.  
  
The perfect good luck charm would give you complete control over your fate.  
  
You would never make another mistake.  
  
You could change fortune to your favor at any time ever.  
  
You could have the perfect life, free from suffering and anger.  
  
You could pull Stephanie from Steve.  
  
JAMES: How would this work?  
  
Roar.  
  
It will cost you your ride. That’s a damn shame, but it’s worth it.  
  
JAMES: ...Okay.  
  
Roar.  
  
JAMES: Don’t ask me which one. You already know, snake dick monster.  
  
Flames burst around your robot, which melts into a puddle of silvery goo. You float over it, watching it reform into a small shape.  
  
JAMES: And this is perfect?  
  
Roar.  
  
You reach out and take the pearly white voodoo doll. It’s simple, just a cylinder torso with knobby limbs and a large round head.  
  
As you touch it, understanding floods your mind.  
  
JAMES: Thanks, dude.  
  
Roar.  
  
You float out of the cave and swap gloves.  
  
\-- bebopBelter [BB] began badgering intenseImpressionist [II] \--  
  
BB: yo  
II: hey  
BB: i need your void powers  
II: Im busy protecting steve  
BB: thisll do that better  
II: how  
BB: i have the perfect bad luck charm  
BB: were going to fuck up that white text asshole  



	68. Chapter 68

You give Steve one last wonderful kiss before pulling out the Illustrator’s Interface.

\-- intenseImpressionist [II] began badgering audaciousArchitect [AA] \--

II: okay Im ready  
II: did james tell you where were going?  
AA: Yes. It will take only a moment.  
II: okay

\-- intenseImpressionist [II] ceased badgering audaciousArchitect [AA] \--

Steve gives a longing look as you disappear.

JAMES: Yo.

You’re standing in a room full of machinery, punctuated by the enormous viewscreen and console at the center.

Also, James is wearing tights.

STEPHANIE: Uh…  
JAMES: Yeah, it’s fucking stupid. Let’s just do this so I can change.

He hands out the white voodoo doll and starts fiddling with the machine. The screen springs to life, displaying the two of you standing in the room you’re in now. You glance around for a camera before realizing that there probably isn’t one. At this point, you just have to accept this weird shit.

While James dicks around, you step over to the nearby window. The rest of the Veil is clearly visible outside your little meteor lab. Very soon the Reckoning will start, and your session will come to a close. Tiffany and Greg had better have that frog finished. You came this far and finally got Steve, and you’re not going to lose all of it because they couldn’t keep it in their pants until later.

The screen jumps between the rooms in the towers on Prospit and Derse. You glance at the one you woke up in, and you’re confused.

STEPHANIE: Wait. What was that on the walls?  
JAMES: Part of the code.  
JAMES: We all sleepwalked or something and wrote it on our walls, and we don’t remember it.  
STEPHANIE: What?  
JAMES: Beats the fuck out of me. That’s what the giant snake monster said.  
STEPHANIE: …

After scanning each room, the screen returns to showing the lab.

JAMES: Okay, done.  
STEPHANIE: Now what?  
STEPHANIE: What exactly are we doing, anyway?  
JAMES: Creating the white text douche.

You cock your head as your jaw drops.

STEPHANIE: …What?  
JAMES: The code gives him his god-vision and teleportation bullshit, but we have to give him a body too.  
STEPHANIE: How about we don’t?  
JAMES: Tiffany said it’s some predetermined shit. We have to create him because he’s already here or whatever.  
STEPHANIE: …How does that work?  
JAMES: Shenanigans.  
JAMES: Fuck if I understand it. I’m the luck guy.

You shake your head and sigh.

STEPHANIE: Okay, so that’s what this doll is for?  
JAMES: Yeah. We make him out of it, and it fucks him up. Perfect bad luck.  
STEPHANIE: …That’s not reassuring.  
JAMES: Hey, a giant snake monster told me to do it, and I wasn’t going to argue.  
JAMES: You could say I was kind of rattled.

Pointedly ignoring him, you turn the doll over in your hands. Something doesn’t feel right. You’re missing something.

STEPHANIE: …There’s something else we have to do.  
JAMES: Like what?  
JAMES: Hephaestus just said to bring you here and use the doll to make Mr. Vanilla Milkshake.  
STEPHANIE: …That is a stupid name.  
JAMES: You have a better one?  
STEPHANIE: So why did you need me?  
JAMES: I guess ‘cause you can hide us doing this?  
JAMES: If he saw us, it would fuck up the whole thing.

\-- anonymousAdvsior [AA] began badgering intenseImpressionist [II] \--

AA: Your time is up, Miss Nestore.  
AA: I have been far too patient with you.  
AA: I know not where you are, but I can see the Atomic Cymbal, which means you are not there.  
AA: I offered you the chance to save Mister Garrison’s life.  
AA: You have clearly made your choice.  
AA: I am going to seize control of your display, and you will watch as he suffers.

James looks at you.

JAMES: Well? Stop standing there and let’s do this.  
STEPHANIE: …No. I’ve got it.

You whip out the Chromatic Cleaver, dial to black, and draw on the face of the doll.

黒

Kuro – black.

STEPHANIE: Okay, do it.

James aims the ectobiology apparatus at the doll. A green paradox clone momentarily appears on the pad before vanishing.

JAMES: …  
JAMES: That’s it?  
JAMES: I thought something would happen!  
JAMES: I’m supposed to be the one who fucks up his plans!  
JAMES: Destroy his chances or some shit!  
STEPHANIE: You did. Now it’s my turn.

You close your eyes. In your mind, you can feel the trigger. It’s always been there, but you haven’t been able to reach it until now.

II: youre done  
AA: No, Miss Nestore, I am merely beginning.  
AA: I will butcher every one of you until you perform the scratch.  
AA: I no longer tolerate you deviating from my plan.  
II: your plan is fucked  
AA: I am omniscient.  
AA: I am omnipresent.  
AA: I am omnipotent.  
AA: I am beyond the miserable machinations of a teenage

With your mind, you reach through the void and pull the trigger.

AA: I am  
AA: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA  
AA: BLIND  
AA: BLIND  
AA: WHAT DID YOU DO  
AA: NO  
AA: NONONONONONO  
AA: HOW  
II: knight of void  
AA: THIS ISN’T POSSIBLE  
AA: I CAN’T SEE  
AA: I CAN’T MOVE  
AA: WHAT DID YOU DO  
II: bye asshole

\-- intenseImpressionist [II] blocked anonymousAdvisor [AA] \--


	69. Chapter 69

\-- audaciousArchitect [AA] began a bulletin --  
\-- siliconSwashbuckler [SS] broaches --  
\-- intenseImpressionist [II] broaches --  
\-- phaithfulPhysician [PP] broaches --  
\-- bebopBelter [BB] broaches --  
\-- equineEngineer [EE] broaches --

BB: yo  
EE: hi everybody :)!  
EE: its been like forever since we all talked  
II: yeah  
SS: Everybody okay?  
BB: yea  
EE: yep!  
PP: I’m glad to hear that.  
AA: The Genesis Frog is complete.  
EE: hes kinda cute!  
EE: all blinky and rainbow colored  
PP: I hope you have him somewhere safe. I’d hate to lose him at the last second to some unforeseen disaster.  
AA: I placed him in a hermetically sealed container I crafted from pieces of the Forge. I personally vouch for its security.  
BB: ok  
II: are we done then?  
AA: Not yet. He needs to be delivered to the center of the Battlefield on Skaia so he can grow.  
AA: All of Derse will stand in our way.  
SS: My mom says they’ll take care of the queen.  
AA: They won’t be able to deal with her. She’s too powerful.  
SS: I trust my mom. If she says she can do it, then she can.  
AA: Tell her to stay away. We’ll find another way.  
SS: No. She said she’ll do it, and we need to fight the king anyway.  
AA: The queen is beyond the power of anyone below god tier as long as she has the ring.  
BB: i say we let her do it  
BB: ive seen her kick ass  
AA: I will not let anyone else enter harm’s way when I can prevent it.  
BB: what  
EE: do you want me to tell them?  
PP: Tell us what?  
AA: Our mutual enemy placed my father in her throne room. We were unable to rescue him before he received fatal injuries.  
BB: oh shit  
BB: sorry dude  
SS: …Wow.  
SS: I’m sorry, man. Are you okay?  
AA: I'm over it.  
AA: We don’t have time for pity parties. We have to get this frog to the Battlefield.  
II: okay  
II: well all go there now  
AA: Wait.  
AA: This will be the finale. It will test us beyond anything we’ve faced.  
PP: You have a point. Are we really ready for this?  
II: were all god tier  
PP: Is everyone comfortable with their abilities?  
BB: fuck up peoples luck  
BB: im good at that  
EE: yep!  
EE: i think i can focus on just whats about to happen and make sure nobody gets hurt  
AA: This will be a difficult operation. We’ll need to carve our way through the entire Dersite army, and that will be the easy part.  
AA: We need strong leadership to see us to victory.  
BB: ug  
II: fine  
II: tell us what you want us to do  
AA: Actually, I was hoping someone with experience would take the lead.  
AA: Steve, we’ve reached the end of the game. What happens now?  
SS: …Wait, what?  
AA: You’re the one with the best game credentials. And we all trust you, don’t we?  
PP: Absolutely.  
EE: yep! ;)  
BB: im cool with that  
II: agreed  
SS: …Really?  
AA: You’re clearly the best for the job.  
AA: So, what do we do now?  
SS: …Uh.  
SS: Okay. Before the final boss, we finish all the sidequests and get the best gear. Did everybody complete their quests?  
II: I did  
BB: me too  
PP: As did I.  
EE: i think my quest was just to help make the frog, so i did!  
SS: Okay, so. We have a lot of grist. Can we make better weapons?  
AA: I’m fairly certain I’ve already made the greatest weapon in the game.  
EE: um  
EE: we do need to save a bunch of grist for the ultimate alchemy  
BB: what  
EE: i think its part of making the frog grow :/  
SS: Okay, we can probably do fine with the weapons we’ve got.  
SS: I think all that’s left is some last minute grinding.  
EE: :O!  
EE: steve! >:/  
PP: That’s incredibly inappropriate!  
SS: Woah woah!  
SS: Not like that!  
SS: I mean getting the last bit of experience we need to earn the best moves!  
SS: I’m pretty sure this is one of the games that resolves romance plots after the finale anyway.  
PP: …We are going to have a talk when this is done.  
SS: It was a joke!  
BB: rofl  
AA: My consorts did make mention of something called a fraymotif. I took the liberty of investigating and found that they were unnecessarily expensive, so I disregarded them.  
AA: We should have enough funds now.  
BB: oh hey  
BB: thats weird  
BB: i think i have one already  
EE: :O you do?  
BB: yea  
BB: when i put on my white glove i can do this dance move  
BB: its really fucking strong  
AA: Fascinating.  
SS: Okay, so we should all get as many fraymotifs as we can. Don’t worry about hording boondollars.  
BB: shit  
BB: i was gonna retire on this  
BB: buy my own island  
BB: jamestown  
SS: Trust me, islands are way overrated.  
PP: Shall we meet again in an hour?  
SS: Make it two. Everybody do whatever you need to get ready, and we’ll meet on the Battlefield.  
AA: Understood.  
BB: whatever you say fearless leader  
EE: see you guys soon! ;)

\-- equineEngineer [EE] bids goodbye --  
\-- phaithfulPhysician [PP] bids goodbye --  
\-- bebopBelter [BB] bids goodbye --  
\-- intenseImpressionist [II] bids goodbye --

AA: Steve.  
SS: Yeah?  
AA: You can do this.  
AA: I’ve never said it before, but I am impressed by you.  
AA: And I’m glad to call myself your friend.  
SS: You know, Greg. You can be really annoying some times.  
SS: But even when you’re acting smug, it’s because you’re cool enough to deserve it.  
SS: And I’m glad we’re friends too.  
AA: I wouldn’t follow anyone else.  
SS: I’ll try not to let you down.  
AA: I already know you won’t.

\-- siliconSwashbuckler [SS] bids goodbye --  
\-- audaciousArchitect [AA] bids goodbye --


	70. Chapter 70

You land on the Battlefield next to the rest of your friends. Everyone is in full god tier regalia – Tiffany and Liz in red and gold robes, Greg with a hilariously oversized black hood, Steph in her awesome navy cloak, and James is ridiculous yellow tights. Your face burns as you see everyone glance at your smooth, bare legs.

JAMES: Wow, and I thought mine was bad.  
ELIZABETH: Well, I think it’s dashing.  
JAMES: It’s dashing my brains against my skull.  
STEVE: I’m sorry the tights are cutting off the circulation to your head.  
JAMES: What?  
JAMES: …Damn it, okay, that was good.

He holds out his hand, and you’re not going to leave your best friend hanging. You share a brotherly fist bump.

The Battlefield stretches before you, checkered tiles running off as far as the eye can see. Already you can see fallen Prospitan soldiers strewn about, clearly fighting a losing battle. They made a valiant stand, but they were never going to be able to hold forever.

Ranks of black carapaced soldiers march toward you. Their forces seem almost endless, with lines of scowling Dersites holding ebony spears and waving black flags. A legion on horseback trots on the right flank, and giant black ogres stomp along on the left. It’s hard to see at this distance, but you’re pretty sure you can make out a tall figure with four arms directing the horde.

The Black King.

GREG: Okay, Steve. Take charge.  
STEVE: Right. Tiff, you had a fraymotif you thought would work here?  
TIFFANY: Uh-huh.

She closes her eyes, pulls her crimson hood over her head, and then activates her SIGHT SOSTENUTO.

TIFFANY: I can see…  
TIFFANY: Everything!  
STEVE: Okay, stay near the back and keep us posted. If you see attacks incoming, tell us where to dodge. Anyone hears word from Tiffany, that takes priority.  
STEVE: Try not to get into fights, but if you see an opening, don’t be afraid to take it. Just remember, your eyes are our most valuable resource.  
TIFFANY: Okay!

She pulls out her Toxic Truncheon and steps back to a safe position.

STEVE: Steph, Greg, you’re our best frontline. With your weapons you can deal with lots of enemies quickly.  
GREG: Correct.  
STEVE: I’m putting you both out in the center. Our ultimate goal is to clear a path to the king, but don’t overextend. Stay close to where the rest of us can support you.  
STEPHANIE: Got it.

She scrolls the dial on her paintbrush, trailing a rainbow through the air. Greg flicks his wrist, and a blade covered in serrated teeth slides out of his sleeve.

STEVE: James, you’re on the left. Those giants are the biggest threat. Once they’re down, we can make a play for the king.  
JAMES: Sweet. I love big guys. There’s more to hit.  
STEVE: …Somehow I always knew.  
JAMES: Woah, no!  
STEVE and JAMES: Not that there’s anything wrong with that!

He cracks his knuckles and takes up his position.

STEVE: Liz, you’re our backup. Keep us patched up, and watch for anything that makes a break for Tiff.  
ELIZABETH: Understood. I made sure to stock up on bandages and ointments. We’re well prepared.

Her fingers run over the heavy tome before she tucks it away and clasps them in prayer.

STEVE: I’ll take the ones on the right. My staff has the best range to deal with the horses.  
TIFFANY: Um. I know they’re evil and stuff, but can you try not to hurt them?  
STEVE: …I’ll see what I can do.

You roll your shoulders and shift your weight to a defensive stance. Archimedes’ Worldmover spins between your fingers.

STEVE: Anybody got any last words?  
ELIZABETH: May our Heavenly Father watch over us.  
JAMES: Hold my beer and watch this shit?  
STEVE: Alright, screw it.  
STEVE: LEEEEEEEROY!  
STEVE: JEEEEEEENKINS!

Your staff snaps out, cracking against black heads as you take to the air. It spins in your hands, turning away spear thrusts and unseating riders, and you lash out with kicks at anyone foolish enough to get close. The staff is a blur in your hands – it arcs around, and again, π radians to smash an exposed arm, 3π/2 to intercept a spear. Sine! Cosine! Tangent!

Behind you, Liz opens her book and performs the BOLSTERING BATTLEHYMN. Her voice rings clear over the carnage, and your muscles burn with new strength. Whirling the staff in a protective sweep to the front, you perform your ACTUALIZED ARPEGGIO. A fierce pink aura bursts from your body, and your staff slams a rider so hard he flies backwards like a rocket, clearing a swath in his wake.

TIFFANY: Steve! Up!

You kick yourself higher into the air, barely avoiding the blade that scythes through what would have been your stomach. The bearer gets a face full of marble for his trouble.

On your left, Greg flashes across the fight, his TELEPORTAMENTO letting him be everywhere at once. The roar of his chainblade drowns out the shouts from his foes. He’s tearing through their forward line, barely visible as more than a ghostly afterimage before reappearing to cut down more soldiers.

You crack another rider, kicking him off his horse and landing on the saddle. The beast lets out a terrified scream and bolts, barreling through its brethren and breaking the disciplined charge. Another ACTUALIZED ARPEGGIO, and your superstrength strikes scatter the cavalry. You perform an acrobatic pirouette off the saddle, landing in a solid stance to intercept what stragglers remain.

The air crackles as Stephanie’s CHROMATIC CRESCENDO bursts into bloom. Dersites panic as they are simultaneously ignited, frozen, and electrocuted. Her firm strokes etch symbols through the air, and beams of light and shadow rip through their lines. They try to flee, only to find that their escape routes have suddenly vanished.

TIFFANY: Steve! Right!

You yank your focus back to your side of the battle. The knight you had unseated charges, his lance lowered and locked at your chest. Master Robinson’s words echo in your head, and you pivot on the balls of your feet, letting his momentum carry him off balance. He stumbles past you to sprawl at Liz’s feet. She gives him a disapproving glare before bashing him on the head with her book.

TIFFANY: Greg! James needs help!

Far off to the side, James tumbles head over heels backwards. The ogre he was fighting winds up for another haymaker. Instantly, Greg appears to grab James by the shoulder, and they vanish. The air over the ogre pops, and James drops fist-first into its massive face.

RHYTHM AND BLUESHIFT!

The giant beast teeters over, crushing a platoon of footsoldiers under its bulk.

TIFFANY: Steve! Look!

Splintered ranks part, and the Black King advances. He must be fifteen feet tall – smaller than an ogre, but somehow much more imposing. Even the corset around his chest doesn’t detract from his menace. Through silver glasses he glares at you, and he cracks the knuckles on all four hands. You can see the golden RING OF ORBS SIXFOLD on one finger. He hands his back staff, tipped with the globe of Skaia, to an underling and steps forward.

STRIFE!

You AGGRESS, staff jabbing at his muscular chest. He ACCEPTS the blow, which bounces harmlessly off. His meaty fist crashes into your temple, flinging you backward and blurring your vision. As you stagger to your feet, he ASSAULTS you with a two-fisted hook, and you fly back again.

Your head crashes into Liz’s ankles, and she pulls you up. Her hands rub something on your forehead, and your double-vision collapses to normal.

STEVE: Ow…  
TIFFANY: Steve! Liz! Look out!

The king lowers his shoulder and charges, pounding across the checkered ground. You shove Liz aside as he barrels into you, the wind violently shoved from your chest as he carries you off. Feebly, you whack at his spiky hair before he grabs your shirt and slams you into the ground.

STEPHANIE: Steve!

Through the spots in your eyes, you can see her start to move toward you before another squad intercepts her. Your hand waves her away, and you throw a kick at the king’s knee. He simply sidesteps and lets out a monstrous laugh before planting another fist in your gut.

STEVE: Nnnnngh!

You grab his shoulder and try slamming your forehead into his face.

That was stupid.

He sends you flying with another hook, and you crumple into a heap when you land.

STEVE: I…

Your legs don’t seem to want to support your weight.

STEVE: I am…

His steps are slow, patient as he rounds in on you. The black staff of Derse looks heavy in his hands.

STEVE: A…

He raises it over his head, a triumphant smirk on his face.

STEVE: Hero!

Liz’s song fills your bones, and your SOUL SYMPHONY flood your body with power. As the king swings the staff down, you catch it in a glowing hand. The look of surprise on his face is beautiful when you tear it from his grip. You whirl it around, feeling the balance, and grip it just below the center of mass.

The globe shatters over the king’s head, and he falls.

LIZ: Steve!

The song fades, and the power that kept your legs working drains away. You fold up, collapsing just as she arrives. Her hands grab you under your arms, and she pulls you back to your feet. The healing power restores you enough to keep you upright.

JAMES: Yo! You okay?

As the Derse army beats a hasty retreat, your friends pull back to gather around you.

STEVE: …We won.

You stare at the black staff, broken beyond repair, and at the black army soundly defeated.

STEVE: We won!  
TIFFANY: We won!  
JAMES: YEAH!

You find your friends’ arms around you, and you pull them in. Laughs and shouts bellow across the broken plains as you seize each other in comforting embrace. Greg slaps you on the back, and Stephanie yanks you away for a breathtaking kiss.

STEVE: We won!  
STEVE: WE WON!


	71. Epilogue

JAMES: So, what do we want our new universe to look like?  
JAMES: I vote for mecha. All the fuck over the place.  
TIFFANY: Ew! No!  
STEPHANIE: Do you even know what those are?  
TIFFANY: I know James wants them, so they're probably something weird and gross.  
ELIZABETH: I think we shouldn't mess with what we know works.  
STEPHANIE: Does it really work?  
STEPHANIE: The world was destroyed by meteors.  
ELIZABETH: I admit, we could probably change that part.  
GREG: I think it's our leader's decision.  
GREG: He's responsible for our victory. The honor is his.  
STEVE: Uh, I don't know about that.  
STEPHANIE: I vote for that. Steve gets to choose.  
JAMES: Second.  
TIFFANY: I'm okay with that!  
ELIZABETH: Then it's agreed.  
STEVE: Well... uh...  
STEVE: Okay, I guess.  
TIFFANY: So what do you want it to be?  
STEVE: Well...  
STEVE: I think Liz is right. I kind of liked our old world, even with all its problems.  
STEVE: That's what made it interesting.  
STEVE: And as long as you guys are all there, that's all I really want.  
TIFFANY: I can go for that!  
GREG: We will be gods of a sort there. I suppose we can ensure that nothing truly disasterous happens.  
JAMES: So no mecha?  
STEVE: Dude, you can't even drive a car. I'm not giving you a giant robot.  
JAMES: Man, this is bullshit.  
STEPHANIE: I vote against James owning a giant robot.  
TIFFANY: Yes!  
STEVE: Okay. Everybody ready?  
JAMES: You know it.  
ELIZABETH: I am.  
TIFFANY: Me too!  
GREG: A smooth operator is always ready.  
STEPHANIE: I vote against Greg being allowed to say that anymore.  
JAMES: Second.  
STEVE: Alright. Here goes nothing!  
  
\-- The End --


End file.
